Going out and being around my friends yesterday I think was just what the doctor ordered. Granted I shouldn't have drank as much as I did and I'm paying for that this morning with this ridiculous headache (and the hangovers make the anxiety much worse), but it's not something that I haven't dealt with before. But I took away some positive things from last night for a change, normally I just take away the negatives lately but I'm beginning to see SOME changes, and I feel like I just need to focus on those for the time being and everything might work itself out.
Positives
#1 - I actulaly WANT to go out and be with my friends. Something I can honestly say, even pre-anxiety, probably the last 2-3 years or so, I really didn't want to do. I was definetly depressed for awhile before this anxiety and depression hit me hard, and going out and socializing wasn't really something I was doing much of the last 2-3 years. Now I am atleast totally open to going out and just talking, meeting people, trying to better myself. It may be out of desperation bc I know thats the way to heal, but whatever the reason, I look foward to it.
#2 - My memory is coming back to me a little bit these last 2 weeks. Taking small victories out of just remembering things I have to do, conversations that I've had that day, what I did the last hour or so before I think about it lol. These might seem like small ridiculous victories, but something that I've had a lot of trouble dealing with with this anxiety.
#3 - I'm not alone. I know that everyone here in the forums deals with a lot of the same stuff, but it's weird though. It's not as reassuring until you meet people in your everyday life face to face who deal with similar problems that you actually feel "normal". I was talking about my unemployment status last night and how it's been rough because I'm waiting for a good job to come along, and one of the other guys I was hanging out with even said he was dealing with the same problem awhile back but then he realized, I just have to take something for now, anything. Just to get by until I can find something I want. Kind of made me realize that all these things I complain about and think I'm the only one, it's really something that everyone else deals with as well, I just magnify the hell out of it. Something I will be working to correct.
Negatives (always has to be negatives lol)
#1 - Still just don't feel right. Still very nervous a lot of the time for no reason and overly think just about everything. Funny thing is though when I actually decide to let go and enjoy the moment, for that brief period of time I actually CAN enjoy it. Last night there was times I would flip out and get myself so nervous, but then tell myself "just dont worry about it and just focus on the conversation", and I would get back into it and would completely forget about my problems for a little bit.
#2 - I still cannot relax or sleep, absolutely sucks. I seriously think I have the worst case of insomnia known to man. There's no more afternoon naps, no more 15 min naps, no more even getting tired really. Like I'm constantly tired.....it's just I don't get that wave of tiredness where your eyes start closing and you are physically going to pass out. I really have to FORCE myself to sleep at night, and without medication (ambien) it normally doesn't work out well at all. 3-4 hours maybe, without ambien. 7-8 with it, but I'm running out of it and my psychiatrist says he doesn't think I need any meds right now to help. I just hope sleeping improves in the next week or so before i run out of the ambien.
#3 - Really worry sometimes about who I'm becoming. Was so used to being this homebody guy, just staying home and relaxing and being low-key. Which I still am low-key, but I always have this impulse now to go out and do something. And when I go out socializing and drinking with friends I feel like I always want to bar hop now, totally jump into conversations and meet new people. These are things that aren't abnormal, but abnormal for me. I just worry it would lead to me becoming really wild or something and out of control.