Coping strategies for anxiety and family

Hi K19821110:

It sounds like you've got some challenges ahead of you that will. My only, and non-professional, recommendation would be as follows:

- have very adult conversations with them and have them frequently. Let them know that life can be good, and lead by example. Show them kindness and patience, but do not forget that they cannot be allowed to run your home.
- I've always felt that one of the biggest problems is that people treat children like children and then expect them to behave like adults. I think you've got to realize that they're adults in training, so treat them like adults but don't forget to provide the (cleverly hidden) training-wheels.
- When you ask/tell them to do something, don't be short and say "because I say so"-- provide them with an explanation. They don't want to be "controlled" and will rebel, so it is far more effective (and more respectful) to provide an explanation.
--> E.g. "Please go mow the lawn, Dave." Dave: "Why?". "Well, your uncle and I work all day to provide for this household so we lack both time to do it ourselves and money to pay someone else. In addition, it's very important to have responsibilities. Having responsibilities will prepare you for your independence as an adult." Or, "Please do your homework before you play X Box." Dave, "Why?" You: "Well Dave, there are many good reasons. One is to train yourself to complete your duties before you have fun. When you are living on your own you will need good work ethic to be a desirable employee or profitable business owner. In addition, doing your homework -- whether or not you presently see it this way -- does in fact prepare you for a better life. For example, people immediately judge you based upon your communication skills. Fair or not, it's reality. And, if you are a proficient communicator people are more apt to feel comfortable working with you and to have more confidence in your abilities. Things like algebra, which seem totally useless, actually come into play all of the time at a basic level. Lastly, doing your homework in high school prepares you for the option of college. A college degree can provide you with (a) a stable job with a decent salary (b) a feeling of self satisfaction--it is actually very nice to be educated, skilled, and desirable. Oh, and lets not forget that if you've got a great job you'll be able to keep up with all those video games you like so much :)
- I'd consider some sort of reward system for good behavior / school performance in addition to quite a bit of time talking about lifes "realities" once you're an independent person.
- Let them know how immensely happy it would make you to see them grow up to become successfully, independent, stable adults and that you will do your best to help guide them in that direction. Also let them know it will require their participation, however.

That's about all I have to offer.

I'm not a counselor or any sort of professional in that field, but I did grow up around a lot of troubled youth and the problem with them is (a) a lack of guidance, and (b) a lack of respect--given or recieved. If they are informed, respected, and loved there is a great chance they can turn their lives around. Now, please be patient because you've got 14 of the most impressionable years of their lives behind them, and those were bad years.

As for coping, just use this as an excuse to convince yourself you've got to become even stronger--when people depend on your strength, it's a very good motivator. However, if you need time away from them, get together with your husband and go do something for the day. Go out and enjoy yourselves. Just don't allow yourself to become lost in the difficulties associate with raising troubled youths. Remember, your brain has a wonderful feature called "plasticity". This means you can change how it works! This is the whole basis behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). On that note, it's be very good to start reading up on CBT, or seeking counsel from someone who can train you in CBT if you haven't started on such a program already.

Best,

trn450

Post Edited (trn450) : 9/28/2010 11:04:34 PM (GMT-6)

Clearly these children have had a traumatic experience with the death of their mother and the fact that it was a murder as opposed to an accident may only make it more difficult for them. I really hope that they're in counseling and it wouldn't be a bad idea for your newly expanding family to meet with a family counselor. You don't necessarily even have to meet weekly, but it could help them to work through the trauma of their mother's murder, you and your husband as you adjust to a growing family, and the family as a whole learning to co-exist. There are counselors who specialize in working with families such as "systems" therapists and "marriage and family therapists" (often abbreviated MFT after their name).

But I'll agree with trn450 in that you have the potential to have a profound impact on their lives by showing them a positive example, being there for them when they need to talk, while also giving them space when that's what they need. One other thought on things like chores... I would suggest options. For instance, "We're a family and we all help out. Would you rather wash the dishes or clean the floors?". This approach is often useful because you're not simply saying "Do this!", but rather empowering them to feel that they have some control and to make a decision, while at the same time reminding them that doing nothing is not one of the options.

Finally, be patient with them and yourselves. There will be an adjustment period and it may not be easy (especially at first). You're learning to adjust to them, just as they're learning to adjust to you. Good luck!!