Anxiety over abusive mom

I am sorry clairelacy, for your pain. I know exactly how you feel. My parents and husband are abusive. Is this the first time you have ever really told anyone? You probably feel either guilty or slightly relieved, because it has been hidden so long. It would be hard to tell anyone. I think you should though. Maybe you and your mom should try to take family counseling.I know that you didn't want to hear that but, your relationship with your mom will not get better on its own. If you get bit by a venomous snake and say " it'll be ok, i will get better soon", and don't get any anti-venom, you will die. Your relationship is like that and the anti-venom is bringing it out in the open, in front of a professional. I seen my mom verbally and physically abuse my niece a few weeks ago. I felt hopeless. You need to bring this out because if you ever have kids you don't want it to happen to them too. I have prayed for you. Hope you can soon get this resolved.

Dear Clairelacy, my heart broke as I read your post. I am so sorry to hear of the sadness that you are experiencing in what should be a safe and close relationship. The fact that you don't harbor bitterness is a testiment to your wonderful spirit. You stated that you don't want to talk to a counselor/therapist regarding this, but I urge you to just that. The way in which we are raised shapes us into the adults we are today, and sometimes it is impossible to break the chains of disfunction without outside help. You will be doing yourself, your mother and all of your future relationship a great favor by seeking help. You will grow as a person, finding strength, confidence and purpose. Your mother and your relationship could actually benefit form this. Your ability to love, nuture, bond and parent in the future will be vastly improved. You can't change situations and people in your life sometimes, but you can take control of your reactions to them. You referred to yourself as a victim. You are right in the sense that the abuse was/is not your fault. Now as an adult, you have the power to change that title into survivor-someone who has come out the other side stronger, better and able to say "It stops here." Please look into getting an appointment-you won't regret it. Welcome to the forum, hope that you post often and let us know how you are doing.
Take care,
Scaredy Cat

Awe, I think everyone said the same thing, but in thier own way Claire, people aren't silly on here, if they didn't believe you, they would say, so I think everyone agrees and are here for you.

Until you are ready to talk to someone, can I suggest some strategies to help you deal with the fighting.

When Mum starts yelling at you, can you say, in a calm voice, 'Mum, I don't want to fight about this, I am going home now, I will phone you tonight". And with that, you pick up your bag, and leave, and make sure you phone her when you said you would. And you may need to do this for a few weeks, always remaining calm, and always following through, until Mum understands, you are not her outlet, for all the hurts she has ever felt.

Anger feds anger, this will confuse her at first, util she knows you really mean it. And if you phone that night, and she screams again,, repeat the excercise, 'Mum, I am not going to fight with you over this, I will phone you tomorrow.

She will either never give up, or start to change the way she interacts with you.

We can't change another person, only change the way we react to it, and hopefully they change as a result. I think someone else said this above as well.

Does anyone else have stratigies that may work? I have been up 25hrs, and not thinking too clearly at the mo.

As long as what you say, you follow up with action, and you remain even toned when you say it, it may just work.

Good luck Kiddo, xxxxxx

wolflover,
Thanks for sharing your story. And, thanks for the truth about how some counselors will not always see what you tell them is going on. I need the truth about that because even though that is what I am afraid of . . . if I do ever end up going, I need to be prepared because at this time I am in such a place with this situation that I can't take another blow. I really know that I should talk to someone with my mom to try and fix things, but that doesn't make it easier, in the meantime, to do so. I'm writing, I haven't even gotten to the point of speaking. And, because of this, I know I'm not in much of a position to say anything to anyone else about what they are going through but, for what it's worth . . . I completely understand how when you were feeling at your lowest you went back to someone who has caused you pain. My mom is not my husband but right now I am still young and my mom is the person I love most no matter what and when she hurts me, I run to her. It is all I have ever done my whole life (I barely know my dad so it's me and mom). When things happen between us, she is the only one I can go to and the only one I want to go to about what has happened. So, I might be completely wrong, but I think I might be able to empathize with that part of your story (abusive part aside). And also with therapy as a last resort (although, seeing as you have been able to get there, you seem to be a few steps ahead of me). Good luck with getting up the strength not only to leave but to begin somewhere else.

Hi clairelacy,

I'd like to just echo a few things that others have already said. First and foremost, it took courage to share your story here. Even though it's anonymous and nobody here knows who you really are it gives you a chance to get some things off your chest, out in the open, and to get some feedback from others. Even if you're not ready to start talking about your family life yet, you've taken an important step in the right direction and I hope that you realize how important that is.

Also, as was already said... as much as we may want to change others we cannot. We can't force other people to be the way we'd like them to be. We can be honest with them and tell them how their actions and words affect us and hope that they'll work with us, but we can't make that happen. We can though change how we allow what others do and say to affect us; not that it's always a simple thing to do.

As far as the whole counseling thing... I know it's already been suggested that you and your mom look into seeing a counselor. But I would suggest that you might like to see someone on your own, or at least to start there. You can't make your mom go, and I'm not sure if she would want to or be willing as that might mean her having to accept responsibility for things being as they are. I know a mom that doesn't believe that her daughter was sexually abused, because if the mom accepted the possibility that her daughter was abused then she'd feel like the worst parent on earth for "allowing" it to happen. But one-on-one with someone you trust, who will listen in a non-judgmental manner, and who you know will not share anything you tell them may help to get to a better place. A counselor should be able to help you feel validated (that you're important and you're issues are real), to help you come up with some coping techniques - specific things you can do when talking with Mom, and to help you to explore the impact she's had on your life, as well as what to do going forward. My guess is that she's affected you in ways that you may not even be totally aware of right now.

I don't know what your arguments are like. But if she gets loud and you get louder and she gets louder still.... then both of you are inclined to feel unheard. A better approach is to let the other person say what they will without interrupting. Then when you respond speak slowly, calmly, and with a soft voice. It may seem unnatural at first, but it often encourages the other person to likewise calm down, by subtly saying "you don't have to scream to be heard". If you're cut off calmly and gently remind her that you let her speak and that she should now allow you to respond. The other thing you can do is after she says something to in one sentence summarize what she just said before you reply. For instance, "I understand Mom that you're upset with me about whatever and that it may have been embarrassing to have the neighbors see the cops pull up to our house. However, I did what I did because I feel _______ and I was trying to __________. Do you understand why I might have done that or felt that way?".

Going back for a moment to the counseling thing. There are a lot of different types of counselors and it'll be important to find the right one for you. You obviously want someone you'll be comfortable with, somebody with experience working with family issues and who would be open to the possibility of bringing Mom into a session in the future if she's willing. There are therapists for instance trained in and called "marriage and family therapists" (MFTs). You might also find someone who describes his/herself as taking a "systems" approach. Talk to the therapist on the phone before you make the first appointment and get a feel for their personality. Do they let you talk or cut you off? Do they sound patient, supportive, non-judgmental, encouraging, knowledgeable....? You can do the same with your first few appointments. It can take some time to establish a working relationship with someone and so you want to give it some time, but also be willing to move on to someone else if the first therapist isn't working out. Some are wonderful at their job, but personality wise the two of you just might not click... and that's OK.

One last point I'd like to make. It is totally normal and completely understandable that in spite off all that your mother has and continues to put you through that you'd still like to have a relationship with her. Unfortunately you may not be able to have the precise kind of relationship that you'd like. Hopefully with time you'll gain a better idea of where you can connect with her and where it's best to stay away.

I'll give you a personal example before I end. When I lived with my parents growing up as a teenager I wanted to get away. I didn't feel like I was good enough in their eyes and I also wanted to prove to myself that I could make it on my own. When I was in college our relationship actually improved. We could talk on the phone and have nice chats (focusing on some subject and avoiding others). I think that having some physical distance since I went away to school actually helped bring us closer.

Also, I didn't realize it growing up because I had no regular contact with other adults besides my parents, but my dad was really sexually crude. I just didn't know that what he would say and do wasn't normal until I moved to college and began to interact with more people. His behavior has significantly impacted my romantic relationships even though I didn't fully realize it until 15 or so years later. I recently confronted him about his off-color "jokes" and inappropriate comments. I told him how it affected me and my own relationships. Even though he hasn't changed his behavior and doesn't feel that he was/is wrong, I feel a lot better now that I've "unburdened" myself. We also have a better relationship than ever before. I talk to him about things I previously wouldn't have. But I also now know the limits of the relationship. We don't talk every day and we only talk for so long when we do and only about certain topics. I also know that I cannot and will not talk to him about my relationships.

Hope some of this helps. I wish you well.