Posted 10/8/2010 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
hi, my son is now 19. when he was growing up, i had a challenge. around 12 he wanted to go live with his father, who was most of his life an active in the disease of alcoholism and addiction to drugs. at my son's age of 10 his father got into serious trouble and received 10 years probation. while all the mess, he did and still does love his son. I chose this man back then and I then came to realize later that I had to accept who he is and was while protecting my son. My son is extremely close to his father. I tell you this to give you alittle background because I can truly relate to what you are saying. your story is similar to mine. My X husband manipulated to the extreme to get my son to live with him. At his age 12, I would not allow him to live with his father, but 3 days before he turned 18 he moved out. He always talked to me nasty, disrepected me, etc. The way I handled it was I continued to be his mother no matter what. I disciplined him at each incident when needed and I would tell him that was disrepectful. They are learning over and over and test us over and over so I had to tell him over and over that that behaviour is not tolerated with me. and told him I will always love him no matter what. I never received any support from his father nor my husband. My husband talked down to me a lot too so my son was learning his behavious (another story) I was always there at every game, event, etc. hurtful things in the past happened with his dad's long extended summer visits of not telling me he signed him up for things and i never knew. so my son probably thought i was a horrible mom not attending things he was involved in in the summers. I know it will come around one day where we can talk about these things, but not now, now is not the right time. I have to wait until my son brings it up. he is still growning and finding his path to his journey, not mine. Now that he is older, I had amends to tell him and that was where I felt I needed to control and fix things that were out of my control to begin with. I was a lot smothering out of my anxiety and fear of losing him or him getting hurt. This is where I had lack of trust in God, myself and in my son. I tried to do the best I could do with what I had. I knew no better. However, I am his mother and I will always be his mother. He blew me off on mothers day to spend with his step mother while his dad was in jail for missing probation mind you...I felt like my heart was severed. I had to tell my son, I did not like that. He will never know how I feel unless I tell him (at the appropriate age of course) because they are selfish and it is all about them right now. They are in a rough spot of being a child and becoming a young adult. When he moved out I was devastated. I knew it was coming and knew his age, but it still was a blow to my heart after raising him all these years. It hurt. It took some time to heal. And what hurt the most is that he never called never came by, nothing. I still continued to call him, love him, make plans with him, without smothering him of course. He is now in college and our relationship is starting to grow into something beautiful. It is very slow, he has a lot of resentment against me, never know if it is his dad's manipulations or if he feels liek I just kept him away from who knows what. I at his age was full of rage with my mom and now realize she was just trying to do her best and she was not a bad mom, she was a great mother who loved me. . I had to learn things about myself. Find my place of where I am in his life. I knew it was a seperation anxiety, but it is not a severed relationship, it is change that was hard for me to accept. I had to put myself in his shoes. He is finding his life, he's got his own wings to spread and fly and not mine. I had to let go and trust in God to take over. I learned that when we make plans, i cherish those moments now. He was only given to me to raise. Your son is still young and I feel you are doing the right thing by continuing to show your love no matter what. Keep doing what you are doing and make every length you can to attend every function and communication you have with him. Your reward will come to pass in due time. I personally know a lady that left her son and rarely speaks to him and now the son is showing a lot of anger and I am sure he feels abandoned. However this is not your situation, but if you continue showing your love even in the tweeks of these teenage years, your son will never forget that from you. He is torn between two people that he loves dearly and by keeping your side of the street clean and free, you have nothing to explain or justify.
I wish you the best.
we cannot control no one but ourselves and by allowing everything to be as it is, we can let go of the burden that was never ours to begin with.