mentall breakdown

well i guess im doing better now but i still wanted to write this out i dont even really care if anyone responds or even reads this i just need to write this.  i have had a hard time with depression and anxiety earlier in life, i had spent many years of practicing and training my brain to not let depression get the better of me.  I must say i did good for about 6 years, and for a time i was absolutly happy.  But tonight my mom wiped all that away with just a few sentences from her mouth.  Its amazing i thought i was getting stronger mentally that i was actually doing good but something so little can destroy so many years of hard work.  For starters my mother is a controll freak and yells and says things i dont think she really means but who knows.  She once told me that her and my father were going to get a divorce and it was all my fault, oh did i mention i was only 12. one of her favorite lines was "your going to be like your uncle, 55 and living with your parents a useless slob... no women will ever love you unless you try harder and do better..."  What i HATED the most is when she would yell at me about my school work.  Her favorite time to yell at me was in the car, probably cuz i couldnt run away and she could yell all she wanted, The yelling usually had to do with school work.  If i got a C in anything I would get screamed at for being stupid and not using my brain, if it was a B i would get yelled at for not getting an A, and if i got an A i would get yelled at for not getting an A all the time. And i never practiced my trumpet enough and when i did what i played was never good enough. After a few years of this i became an emotional wreck.  Anxiety/panic attacks bouts of depression suicide thoughts even a half ass attempt.  But what really scares me is now that im older those feelings of depression and self loathing have turned on my mother, into utter anger.  Most of the time i have a controll on them but not tonight.  Im in college now and i told her i had gotten a 75 on an algebra test and she just looked at me with those cold dark eyes filled with anger and said "you should have gotten a 93 whats wrong with you" and thats what set me off, all those emotions and feelings i thought i had a hold on swept up and crippled me.  My legs probably didnt stop shaking for half an hour, i punched a hole through my wooden door and tried to drive away but couldnt even do that so i collapsed next to my car. I screamed for a while then cried and shook uncontrolably, anger i had always known was there i just didnt known i thad grown so intense.  i guess burrying those emotions and not working them out was one of my problems. well thats why im here instead of burrying my feelings im letting them go kinda.  It does help a little to write it out maybe i can actually get some sleep tonight. so here i am tellin people my problems on the internet, not even sure if anybody's reading this but like i said before i dont care. thats my story and thats my freakout thanks i feel better know.

Hi, welcome and glad you found us. Your story is poweful and heartwrenching. I am sorry for what you have been through. Strong emotions can indeed trigger anxiety/panic and others emotional disorders. While females tend to internalize abuse, males more often will have anger issues. The danger for girls/women is mostly to themselves-for boys/men it is towards others.
I would urge you to seek help and healing for your abusive past. Not only for yourself, but for those around you, and your future relationships. You state in your post suprise at the intensity of your anger. This is a frightening place to be, but you can seek therapy to change your situation.
You deserve to live a life anxiety and anger free. You did not choose your upbringing, but you can choose the path of your future.
Feel free to post here anytime you feel the need-we are listening.
Best wishes,
Scaredy Cat

I was never an angry person and used to avoid conflict at all costs (usually to myself). But things built up inside and I eventually realized that I was only hurting myself. It sounds like you've held a lot in too, but are now realizing that you need to get those toxic emotions out. Although it may have surprised you, in a sense it's good that you hit that wall. It was the start of getting your emotions out - and better a wall than another person! Now you know what you have to do - find a healthy way to get your emotions out so that they don't continue to build up. Writing, counseling, talking, praying, drawing, singing, etc. are all forms of getting things off your chest.

And as far as your mom specifically... You may not be able to change who she is, but you can change (especially now that you're older - are you AWAY at college?) how you allow her to affect you. It's your life to live, not hers. If she doesn't think a B is good enough, then that's simply her opinion. She's entitled to her opinions and views, but what matters most is whether or not you're happy with the B. Besides (although most people don't admit this to college students) once you get your degree, grades really don't matter. It's more about the person you become and what you can do that employers look at, not your GPA.

Dealing with your emotions is a lifelong process. I'm sure you've learned a lot from all that you've done and grown a lot as a result. Now you have the skills and may simply need to continue to apply them, or update them. Give yourself credit for what you've done. Six years... great! That's a success in my book. Six years is a whole lot longer than six hours or six days...