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dinner at parent's house triggers....but

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Posted 11/7/2010 2:05 AM (GMT 0)
For the past year or so I've been going to dinner at my parent's house every sunday schedule permitting and it's always been alot of fun.  I get to see my parents, my sister, and my grandparents all in one shot at a nice dinner.

Now my parents are mid-divorce, but still living in the same house, trying to keep it as civil as possible until my dad finds a place to live and I cannot stand the tension.  My hubby says he doesn't notice anything, but I know my family and I know when all is not as it should be.  When dinner is served, I have no appetite, and can't wait to go home.  I feel terrible because I do love my family and want to see them, but I also can't stand the anxiety the whole thing triggers.  I can't say anything because then it will be even more awkward as they try to act 'noticably normal' you know?  Not to mention that my mom gets kind of defensive if you're 'critical' of her... but that's a whole other issue in itself. 

So tomorrow is sunday and I already agreed to go, but i'm dreading it.  Also my grandma was sick recently with a stomach bug and being emetophobic, as mean as this sounds, I don't want to be anywhere near her.  I'm working on alot of this stuff in therapy, but i'm not out of the woods yet and I don't really want to not see my family until i can properly deal with how my brain works, because that could take a while lol.  I'm very good at avoiding my triggers, sometimes to an unhealthy level, but it's all i have until i get further into my CBT.  I just feel guilty, but i'm also in survival mode sooo i'm torn.

Posted 11/7/2010 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
Hey rmc, I am so sorry to hear about your parents. No matter what age, as children, it is hard to see our parents seperate! Family is one of those things in life that can bring us a myriad of feelings/emotions-comfort, joy, anger, sorrow-you name it, a family can produce it. Conflicts within familys are things that are nearly impossible to completely avoid. When it affects one or two people, it affects all. Your parents probably really need you at this time. That said, you also need to take care of yourself and your health. Consider putting limitations on your visits. Maybe every other week, or a shorter duration of time spent at your folks would be better for you. Preparing yourself mentally for the tension of the visit could also help. When my sister and I were having a conflict, I would go over possible senarios and reactions in my head before a gathering. This gave me a sense of control over the situation, and helped me to face the stress without the fear of becoming overwhelmed to the point of panic. Remeber to buff up on your breathing/relaxation exercises before and after too!
As far as your phobia regarding the stomach-flu, I struggle with this too. Recently my daughter and went to a friend's house for dinner/play date. While the other mom and I were cooking in the kitchen, her daughter starting throwing-up everywhere. We hustled it home, but not before my daughter told me that they had both been playing the same harmonica!!! I was really struggling with anxiety all that night, expecting my daughter to wake-up sick. The next day was rough too, but she didn't catch it! If my daughter survived that exposure, I'm sure that you will be fine around your grandmother. If she has been fever/symptom free for over 24hrs, and she is not preparing the food, there is really no risk (maybe use another bathroom from hers to make you feel even safer)
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. May this time of transition lead to more peaceful times for all of you.
Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 11/7/2010 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
I have to second what Scaredy Cat said. I like the idea of putting limits on your visits so that you see them, but you don't feel "forced" to sit there anxious and awkward for hours having mixed feelings about staying vs. leaving. Also preparing yourself for possible events can help. I have a hard time with family get togethers because of how all the different personalities interact. With the holidays I found it helpful last year to come up with how I'd respond to possible scenarios so that I wouldn't be caught off guard.

I'm sorry to hear that your parents are divorcing. Mine got divorced when I was away at college. I found out via a letter my mom wrote me that started with the line "How are you? So I got divorced this morning...". The signs were there when I was younger, but they tried to hide it. Despite their problems, they'd make a point of engaging in PDA so no one would be suspicious. As much though as I didn't (and still don't) want to see my family break apart, I can realize now in retrospect that they are both much happier and more fulfilled as a result. They have both become new people and grown a lot through the divorce. I know it's tough and I hope rmcconn85, that you'll be able to see a silver lining one day just as I did.
Posted 11/7/2010 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry to read of this difficult time.  A divorce can be overwhelming and devastating to young children but this is equally so for adult children of divorcing parents.

My best advice is to act as normal as possible if your parents have to be together, particularly during special family gatherings. Leave them enough room to sort themselves. They will appreciate your reason for  giving them enough space while they are in the same place. And do not tiptoe around them, either. Remain casual and observant and be ready to diffuse tension.

As your  parents are divorcing, you may experience a lots of feelings. Your emotions may change frequently, too. You may feel angry, frustrated, upset, or sad.  You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty.

These feelings are normal and talking about them with a friend, family member, counselor or right here in the forum is a good thing.

I admire you for working with your counselor on CBT and remember this is a life changing event for you so give yourself permission to feel and know we are here for you.

We know where you have been and what you going through so stick with us.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

 

Posted 11/10/2010 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
thank you all for your advice and understanding. it's very hard, but i'm working through it. between this site and a very small group of close friends I have a good support system. I had a session on monday and it went very well... we talked alot about what i posted above. again thank you all :)
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