Terrified boyfriend may do something crazy

If you think that your boyfriend is in immediate danger of self-harm you should contact the National Suicide Prevention Line at 800-273-8255 or www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
If you think that this is something from his past that he simply wanted to share with you, talk with him about it and his feelings now. Has he sought treatement? He probably had to complete some sort of therapy if he made an attempt, but has he made progress/recovery? Maybe with some loving encouragement he could be persuaded to get into a program.
Be there for each other, I can tell you are concerned and will do all that you can to help him find the support he needs.
Take care,
Scaredy Cat

He never had to complete any therapy because nobody ever found out.. I don't want to say what he did because even though we're anonymous it seems incredibly personal.. But it'll suffice to say that he just woke up the next morning. This was about 7 years ago. I don't know if he's made any progress or recovery..  I'm in the process (and have been successful) in convincing him to try medication.. He's just scared of it because he googles everything and listens to all the horror stories.. plus he's been dealing with this his entire life.

I know I have to take this seriously, because I was where he was just a couple weeks ago, and I know talking about it and referencing it is just a subtle way of letting people know it's on your mind without scaring the crap out of them. Of course I'll be there to support him. The whole year we've been together I've let him vent to me, I give a positive twist to all his worrying.. He's said so many times that I'm the only thing that makes him happy anymore and that he loves talking to me because I make him feel better. But I don't know how to help him with this.

Edit per Rule Number 1.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 11/15/2010 4:22:31 PM (GMT-7)

Lululiya
Although no one knows exactly why, a great number of depressions are also accompanied by anxiety. I have depression and anxiety and sometimes I do not know which one came first. Hoping that both you and your boyfriend seek help through counseling and that you keep reaching out for support.

Please know that you must take care of your own mental health first and that your boyfriend must choose to get help in order to get better.

If there is depression in your relationship then it is time to act, so be proactive and you will be glad that you did.

Remember we know what you are going through and we are here to support you.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

You're all way too awesome, honestly.

Fugs, I know what you mean. I know I can't be responsible for him but at the same time I obviously wouldn't be able to forgive myself if anything did happen. No matter what I did, I'd feel like I failed and that I could have done more. I know he is still having these thoughts occasionally because we talk about it sometimes.. Nothing explicit, but just offhand comments like "sometimes I can understand how somebody would think it was their only option".. Things like that. He told me recently that when driving, he sometimes thinks about how easy it would be to turn into the other lane! It just pains me because he thinks his anxiety is unmanageable and that he's too far gone. He admits that he should try medication, but he's stuck in the "what if" thinking that so commonly takes hold.. "What if I don't find a medication that works for me?" "What if the medication changes who I am?" "I can't handle having heightened anxiety for the first couple days." etc. It's so hard because I KNOW he will get better if he tries, but convincing him of it is an entirely different story..

Kitt, I'm currently in therapy but it's nearly impossible for him to do so.. He lives in a very small town, very removed. To get to the nearest councilor would be a 30+ minute drive for him and he doesn't have a car nor is there public transit available to him.. I'm hoping to find a job soon so that if he wants to, I can start driving him to a councilor. It will be a lot of driving but if it's what he needs I'll help him out.

Awty, I understand completely. I never considered acting any differently. Although he's confirmed a side of him that I'll admit I have suspected, he's still himself and I'm not going to treat him oddly or put him on "suicide watch", since I remember that was my biggest fear when opening up to my mother. I've always known about his anxiety and depression - He's had it far longer than I've been suffering - so really the only new information is something I always knew was under the surface (as much as I didn't want to admit it).

Thank you guys for the kind words, I very much appreciate it. You're such good people and I'm grateful.

Often taking that first step is the hardest. But if you don't do anything different the problem will never get better. When he starts asking, "what if....?" can I suggest that you try asking him back the same kind of questions? For instance, "what if you feel better? What if medication helps? What if it's tough at first, but then things improve? Isn't that a better option that never feeling better than you do now? What if you try one medication that doesn't work as you'd like and never try the second one (which may have been a perfect match)?"

The first medicine I was on was clearly the wrong one for me, but for the 3 weeks or so I was on it I dealt with it just the same way I had been dealing with things before I was on ANY medication. Once I got to the second medication things really started to turn around. Another thing that really helped me was having the right psychiatrist. It's really important to find someone that will listen to his concerns and work with him. My doctor for instance asks my opinion and addresses my questions and fears/concerns. He doesn't force anything on me and lets me progress at a pace that I'm comfortable with. I would suggest getting a referral and then looking up that doctor online for patient feedback before going. And if he goes and feels uncomfortable with whoever - then find someone else. People who feel the way he has "suggested" often need to be reminded that they're worth the effort. Finally, as far as the beginning of a new medication being something to "get through" psychiatrists often prescribe a short-term medication to help you get through that period of time until the long-term one (which takes time to become effective) kicks in.

P.S. Medication shouldn't change who you are. If anything it should help your real self come back out. Or think of it like someone who's had too much to drink. They may feel less inhibited, but it doesn't change who they are. Like his other concerns, this is something worth talking to the doctor about. You can always meet with a doctor "just to talk". They won't force him to take medication in the office...

That's it. You can't force a person, you can only encourage and support them. To do anything more you'd be risking pushing him away at a time when he really needs your support. I know it's hard on you - but keep reminding yourself of what you just said about how far he's come in the past six months. Maybe next month he'll fill the prescription and let the bottle sit on a shelf so "it's available if I need it". And later still he might try one on a particularly bad day. Everyone needs to make their own decisions and deal with the consequences for better or for worse. BTW, have you asked him about natural/ holistic stuff as an alternative?

Lululiya
I am glad to read he took the first dose of medication which shows he is willing to work on his problems. I think some of his resistance might be just admitting that he does suffer from depression...if you take a pill...there is no more denial.

Keep on supporting him but remember he may not like the side effects at first as it may take some time to get past these effects. Some of the meds cause increased anxiety when you first start taking them. Just a heads up for you.

I admire you for being so supportive and caring.

Kindly,

Kitt