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New here...coming of meds

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 11/16/2010 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

I've been battling anxiety for years. about 9 now. I find it hard to believe that I've never sought out a forum. I just kept it between me and my therapist and 1 or 2 dearest friends. Reading people post similar experience has brought me a great deal of relief. More than I thought. When gripped with a panic attack, the severity of it makes you feel utterly isolated, a freak of nature. When spending days and days with a mind racing 1000 mph, you really think you must be crazy while everyone else in the world seems to function well.

I'm seeking additional help now that I've come off meds. I was fortunate enough to have taken a 6 week vacation to a very remote and quiet part of the world and I worked through a great deal of issues and stopped the meds. (I was was on a hefty dose of Lexipro and Clonazepam.)

So, of course, as I expected, returning to the high stress daily grind has been, well, at best, challenging. 2 weeks in and I already see myself falling into old patterns of behavior that plagued me before meds helped. (for example tonight I had to turn my car around to see that the coke can I hit was indeed a coke can. Go figure! It was a coke can, not a pet or small child or whatever I was going to convince myself it was for the next week if I didn't turn around)

Now why am I going off meds when I know they work? Foremost, I'm an elite triathlete trying to go pro. I know that the meds affect my heart rate and metabolism in minor ways that might not be a 'side effect' to others, but when training 6 hours a day, I notice. I'm not as sharp either. Also more lethargic when on meds.

I don't want to 'have' to take meds. To pay my high co pays.

Is it weird that taking my meds makes me feel like admitting defeat?

I am being safe about it and am in contact with my psychiatrist and therapist about going off meds. I'm meeting with both. I know that it's very dangerous to just stop and I surely don't recommend it.

Has anyone here gone off meds successfully? Found a way to cope with the returning anxiety and panic? The shaking? The laying on the floor helpless refusing to go out?

It's so frustrating to understand what's going on in your head, knowing that the chemicals are off, but not being able to rationally pull yourself together. This feeling ties in with my feelings of defeat.

I just want to be happy and healthy. Is that too much to ask?

And of course, I immediately feel guilt upon saying this. Lots of people in this world are far worse off than me. I have a supportive family and loving friends...I just came back from a 3rd world country where people routinely starve to death. I feel guilty in having anxiety about my 'problems'.

So, wow, my first post has taken many directions. A life time of frustration just began to pour out. Long, rambling and still just the tip of the iceberg
Posted 11/16/2010 5:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ret and welcome! Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself and give us some background, that helps other members to get to know you, and help with advice if possible. Well, we sound similar in that we are both athletes. I am a dance teacher/choreographer and am doing physical work for several hours a day as well. That was one of the reasons that I chose not to medicate for my anxiety. I often think that my journey through to recovery would have been faster and easier if I had. I was afraid like you said of it affecting me physically. (and honestly just afraid of it in general)
So I'm not much help in the weaning department, but I can suggest that you will need to replace it with something else. You can't expect your body and mind to not notice the absence of something that they've been depending on for years. I would seriously re-double the efforts in the progressive muscle relaxation, breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, mantras, nutrition, rest and whatever else that you have found success with in the past to battle the A/P
I assume that you have gone through CBT. I went through one course, didn't feel enough relief from my anxiety, so I switched therapists (nothing wrong with my first-just wanted a broader spectrum of treatment and new perspective) and went through it a second time. Between those courses, reading a lot on my own, and diet/nutrition/supplements, I have broken free of the panic attacks, and am managing the anxiety well.
I am glad that you have found us. This place has also been a huge part of my (and many member's healing) You will find great information, support, and people who truly understand and care about what you are going through!
I hope that you plan on staying on, and post often.
Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 11/16/2010 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning Ret,

Welcome to HealingWell.  I have gone off of meds including a very slow wean off of a benzo and a slow wean off of Cymbalta.  I did fine but gave myself plenty of time and worked closely with my Psychiatrist.  I weaned off of Ativan 4 mg per day and it took me many weeks. 

I, like you, find that when I am away of the daily grind of work and the stress of every day life I do fine.  Vacations are great but when I get back home I have problems with the anxiety as nothing has changed at home so I have to keep working on me.  What helps me most is accepting that I have anxiety and anxiety does not have me.  Part of managing anxiety successfully is to accept that it will be part of your life.  Also, accepting it means we don't make things worse by ruminating too much about why we are anxious, or criticizing ourselves for feeling that way.

If we panic about anxiety, we get even more anxious as we build up anticipatory anxiety: we get anxious about being anxious. This can become a vicious cycle. At this point simply accept the anxiety that you're feeling right now and keep your thoughts in the present rather than letting your mind drift to dwell on all sorts of possibilities in the future. Keep reminding yourself that it is normal and natural to feel anxious.

I hope this helps you in some small way. Stick with us and know that we care.

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 11/16/2010 6:56 PM (GMT 0)

Ret said...
Is it weird that taking my meds makes me feel like admitting defeat?

No. I think that's pretty common. I didn't want to accept the fact that I "needed" medication. Truth is you nobody is forcing us to take medication though. So it's not something that I "need" as much as something I choose to take. It's simply a tool that's available to help us through.

You mentioned being a triathlete. While I'm no expert on triathlons, let me try to offer a metaphor. You could swim with your regular clothes on. But they've invented things like bathing suits, wetsuits, and goggles. Are you any less of an athlete for "depending" on these things? Similarly you're no less of a person for accepting medication. It's not admitting defeat as much as it's taking advantage of something that can make life easier for you, like wearing a wetsuit instead of street clothes and shoes when swimming.
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