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teenage son so hateful

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Posted 11/25/2010 6:20 PM (GMT 0)
my teenage son went to go live with his dad this year for school.  he was just here last sunday and was so nice but after he leaves he acts like he wants nothing to do with me.  i know he is growing up and doesn't want to be mommied but it is so hurtful and he is so disrespectful!  i don't know how to deal with this and not stress over it when i know he may never live with me again.  i see his friends on fb saying how much they love their families and when he treats me this way , it hurts!

it was his decision to live with his dad so not sure why he treats me this way.  i don't bug him - just want to check in once a week or so but he wants nothing to do with talking to me and acts like he doesn't have to answer to me at all.  his grandma who he is living with tells him to not act that way but i'm not sure why he does. 

anyone dealt with this?  it's really stressing me out and i can't help it.  it's hard to just let it go.  my mother says nothign i can do and to just let him be.  i love him with all my heart! 

Posted 11/25/2010 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
My mother-in-law is having the same problem with her 16 yr old son. Except the kid punches holes in all the walls and yesterday smashed the car door into the car next to it in the garage repeatedly... leaving a nice dent and damaging the door.

Apparently he said he's moving out too and told my mother in law that he hates her and she's fat and so is he because of how she cooks. She is very hurt by this. They don't know what to do.

My mother in law is simply giving him distance and figuring it is just a very very long phase. He's been like this for a long time. He's very angry and does and says hurtful things to his mother. I feel bad but sometimes distance is the best thing.

Let your son come to you I would say is the best advice. He will realize he needs his mom.
Posted 11/25/2010 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hazel,

I am sorry your son is still an issue for you.  You posted this thread in October on the very same topic.  https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=1922880&g=1930782#m1930782.

In your previous post you stated that "i made him move cause he was getting in trouble alot and not minding me."   You posted today, "it was his decision to live with his dad so not sure why he treats me this way.

 

I think it would be helpful if you could see a therpist to help you with your feelings.  Teens can be disrespectful and your son sounds like he may be upset with the going between your home which was his home and now his Dad's where he has lived for just over a year. 

In today's world it is difficult to raise a child alone and especially one who has issues too.  Try to keep thing comfortable when he is with you and when he is not let him have his space. 

Kindly,

Kitt

 
Posted 11/25/2010 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
I also agree with TG about your son. . . . Children can be so difficult at that age, and it seems like the kids now days are even more rude than ever before. Of course they pick up so much of it from their peers, television and games.

It will take awhile for him to come around. He is at that age where he is stuck in the chaos between still being a boy and learning to become a man, and life is confusing at that age for a boy. I had a heck of a time of it myself.

You should definitely put your foot down, even if he gets mad, and let him know that it is not acceptable for him to treat you with that level of disrespect though. . . He won't like it, but it will stick with him and help build his character :)

Take care now!
Sam :)
Posted 11/25/2010 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Sam about putting your foot down! My poor mother in law won't. I think it's a good idea
Posted 11/26/2010 5:39 AM (GMT 0)
THanks you guys. 

Yes Kitt - it was his decision to move because I told him he could not live with me and treat me with disrespect (i put my foot down many times and he didn't like it) so he decided to try living with his dad.  he has lived there for about 4 or 5 months now.  he worked down there this summer.  he was getting in trouble with me alot where he was going to school and now he's not.  i am thankful for that for sure.  he thought it would be better to start new somewhere else when i told him i wouldn't put up with his behavior anymore. 

i am seeing a therapist but she said to talk to him - he doesn't want to talk much when he's gone from my house.  in fact not at all.  it is thanksgiving and i text him and he didn't ev en text me back.  i did, however, talk to my 23 yr old nephew today though and he told me he felt the same way at that age.  boys try to break away from their moms and don't want to have to answer to them.  he says now he feels different toward his mom. 

it is hard - but i will deal i guess.  boys are so different from us girls - and moms and sons even have a hard time i guess communicating sometimes.  boys don't like to talk and we do. 

 

Posted 11/26/2010 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hazel,

Good Morning.  Great advice by all.  I actually had more luck with my 3 boys then my girl when they were in their teens.  Girls are so emotional and catty through the rough teens. Not that my boys were perfect. :-)

Do I remember that this is your only child ?  Sometimes "only" children have a rough time but that is no reason for him to disrespect you.  Show him  you respect him and you expect him to respect you. It is not a choice. It is a rule while living in your house.

I wish you luck and peace.

Kitt


Posted 11/27/2010 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
This may seem overly simplistic -- but have you asked him why he acts the way he does? Have you asked him what kind of relationship he envisions having with you?

You said that the other Sunday he was acting rather nice. I would think that a time like that would've been the ideal moment to gently say something like, "Son... you know I care about you and I love you. And I think you know how much it hurts me when you do some of the things you do. You're growing up and I'm not going to tell you what you have to do or what you can't do. But I would really like to know what you're thinking."
Posted 11/27/2010 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
yes and all he says is "you baby me and it makes me feel like crap". 

no he is not an only child.  he has a 4 yr old brother and he hasn't been the same since he was born.  very jealous of him and acts like his brother took over his spot as my only child.  and i give my children equal attention and do not have favorites. 

he calls me babying him by calling him or texting him.  and i don't do it often at all. 

Posted 11/27/2010 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
As parents we have to  consider how our behavior can drive children to do the exact things we don’t want them to do! Teens sometimes look for ways to make a statement about their independence and their ability to make decisions for themselves… and if we play our cards wrong we may inadvertently push them in directions they wouldn’t necessarily go.

Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence.

Sibling relastionships are full of ups and downs.  No matter how hard you try to treat you children equally, many children have jealous feelings about a brother or a sister.

I have 4 children and my 3rd child was sure he was not loved and treated the same as the other 3.  No matter how much I would tell him or show him he never believed me until the year he turned 21 ~ then we started to have a warm and cozy relationship and he would actually want to do things with me and asked my advise.  Sad to say he died before he turned 22. 

My best advice,  keep on trying to let him know he is loved but respect his boundaries.  Without seeming to overwhelm him, continue to guide him.

Gentle hugs,

Kitt

 

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