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Posted 12/2/2010 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hallo....
I'm new on here....Well,I have been suffering from depression for past one year now,prior to it I did suffer from occasional bouts of breathlessness.
The depression was triggered by a breakup. Off lately the panic attacks have gone from once in a few weeks to every single day. I have a fast heart beat and a feeling of dizziness and breathlessness. It feels like being stuck in a black pit.
I was suggested to share here over my panic attacks.
I dunno how to explain when they started as its a long story,however now I feel like I'm scared of every single thing from unknown nos calling on my phone to strangers speaking with me to friends saying anything....I feel scared and start hyperventilating.
I was not like this before but off late have realized I'm scared of probably every normal thing possible.
I have tried speaking with family and friends but none seems to understand. I feel lonely and hurt and alone.
Posted 12/2/2010 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
Annie,

I can understand your feelings of loneliness. You are not alone. I often have found myself there and it's a horrible place to be. But don't give up. You can't dwell on the past, only enjoy the present.

One of the biggest lessons I've ever learned I discovered recently. You can look to someone or something else to make you happy, however in the end, only you can make yourself happy. You have to be happy with yourself, have pride in yourself, be comfortable with who you are before you can truly expect someone else to feel the same about you. As the old saying goes, you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.

You are still young. It's not  too late to meet someone special, it is never to late.  Try  go out and meet people. Join a club, volunteer. There are great people in this world. But you'll never find them sitting alone at home.

Anxiety can play with our mind but acceptin that you have anxiety and facing it will help you learn to deal with your feelings.

Keep hope and know things will turn for you. You deserve to find happiness in life. We all do. good luck!

Kindly,

Kitt

If you want to go to the movies, hell go and enjoy yourself. I went to the movies alone last night and had a great time.
Posted 12/2/2010 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Annie, sorry to hear about your break up.

From what you have said, I think if you see a counsellor or a psychologist would be a good idea. Psychologist is expensive, but check and see if you have coverage from your company. And then go and get some counselling, which would help along with the medication you take.
Posted 12/2/2010 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Annie and welcome. I am so glad that you found us! This is a great place for support, information and sharing. I am sorry that you are suffering so much right now. One thing that you mentioned in your post reminded me of exactly how I used to feel. When anxiety and panic are at a peak, and it turns into a never-ending cycle, it's no wonder that everything seems threatening. I also remember everything frightening me! If you think about it, when the body is on full alert, adrenaline-flooded, heart pumping, ect., our perceptions would turn the everyday occurance into a threat. Our over active fight or flight instincts are constantly being switched on! If you can break the cycle, hopefully the attacks will decrease, and with coping techniques, stop.
I went through Cognitive Behavorial Therapy, and have not suffered any more full-blown attacks. I use to have them everyday (sometimes multiple) Now, if one tries to start, I can successfully shut it down! It has saved my life as I know it! If you can get into counseling I highly recommend it as the best long term solution.
Here are a couple of sites with some good relaxation exercises in the meantime. Give them a try.
Take care, and let us know how you are doing soon,
Scaredy Cat

www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/anxiety-self-help/br...

www.psybersquare.com/anxiety/panic_relax_I
Posted 12/2/2010 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi....
I'm so thankful for the support and concern. Makes me feel that there are people who will understand and won't tell me that I'm doing this for some pleasure or for sympathy.
I wish to share more about myself as it would help me to share it with people who are more experienced and Older than me.
I'm 21 years old. I'm currently studying mass media( I chose this field as prior to my change I was a very outgoing person). I had problems but they never managed to keep me down for long. Three years back I met a guy.... He was a friends friend who used to like me for a long time before I knew him. We fell head over heels in love with each other. We were in a long distance but it never was a problem as we would write letters even in the era of cellphones ( on which we were speaking 24/7) He was everything I needed in a partner, he loved me and pampered me. Everything was rosy until the differences started surfacing. I guess we were too much into each other all the time. Being the outgoing person I was I had a social life,big circle of friends,partying family. He on the other hand came from a orthodox background and was basically a loner. I was his world. And for me he was important someone I loved but not my world. But than his love and protection meant the most to me as my family had and has a lot of problems. He was my support system. I always loved him. I went to his city to meet him. But than he started making me change. I had cut ties with friends and family and lived on his words only. It was hard as it was a long distance. I cheated on him. Not emotionally not even physically. I dunno what it was.... I made friends with a guy as by than I had nobody no family no friends none. And one night me n that guy ended getting intimate on phone. The next day I felt terrible as whatever my boyfriend treated me like I loved him. I decided to put it past me and to work harder on changing myself.
That's when the world crashed. It turned out this friend of mine was a friend of my bfs cousin and he told my guy everything. My guy was hurt and angry and I felt like my one mistake had ruined my relationship. That night was my fort panic attack I got breathless to the extent of turning purple.... The night my bf came to know and he was leaving me. I'm already feeling it building up as I write about it.... Anyhow over the next months I did everything I could to undo my mistake build trust but he put me through hell
Posted 12/2/2010 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Anyhow over the next months I did everything I could to undo my mistake build trust but he put me through hell and day by day I was falling in depression. Feeling guilty. Hating myself. He forgave me and things were going fine. I planned a trip to see him and we planned it for 3 months. A week prior to my trip I shopped for him and his friends. One night before my departure his phone was on wait all night. I was going crazy that my boyfriend isn't bothered that I'm going to see him. I remained calm. When I reached his town and he met me he told me that it was over that he found someone else. I begged and cried and asked forgivance but he said he didn't care. I lost myself in that one moment. He left me all alone in his town I didn't know none. And I guess I deserved it all. 
Close to his town was were my grandad worked I went to him I was by than under counselling by a psychiatrist and was hospitalised as I was sick. One night he had a heart attack and went into coma he never came out of it and passed away. It was too much.... All this long I kept getting panic attacks. 
I returned back but couldn't go back to college as I couldn't face all those people who my bf had told that he was going to propose me for marriage just before I had left to meet him.
Posted 12/2/2010 7:44 PM (GMT 0)
A year has passed and I'm scared and lonely. I know I deserve what my bf did to me but I loved him alot I'm who I'm Caz of him I changed myself to become a loner for him but I wasn't good enough.
I'm scared after what that friend did.  I remember calling him the next day and telling him that I felt guilty and that I loved my bf. He knew I loved my bf why didn't he give me a chance. I don't think anyone can be trusted. I myself behaved like a cheap untrustworthy person.
I don't feel like I have anything to go ahead for no reAson to go on. 
Each moment I'm scared of being betrayed and of being cheated.I'm a loser and would remain one.
Posted 12/2/2010 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
First of all you need professional help whether it be in the form a psychologist or a psychiatrist. You need someone who has the skills to help you with changing how you feel about yourself. That is a start in the right direction. Next you need to know that everyone out there has made mistakes that they regret and cannot take back. One of the more painful things that you will have to deal with in your life are the relationships in your life. You are just getting started. You made a relationship mistake, it was an error in judgement. You said you were sorry you asked for forgiveness and you tried to fix it. There is nothing more you could have done. He made a choice about his role in handling it. He choose to end it. That was the right thing for him but not for you. It is unfortunate that all relationships don't end the way we want them to but the reality is that they don't and it can be painful, incredibly painful. However your self worth is something you have control over. Why are you giving this mistake all this power to make you feel this way? You need to forgive yourself and let it go. You have this incredible gift of life. Through out your life are going to have peaks where you feel on top of the world and valleys where you would rather not be. Both things shape us. Mistakes can balance us by teaching us life lessons. Its time to walk away and leave the negative behind and move forward in your life and find the lesson learned so you can find someone else to share your life with. Your not a bad person or a loser you are just a person who made a mistake.
Posted 12/2/2010 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
While I don't like the phrasing "First of all you need professional help", it does sound Annie like you have a lot going on. It's like you've lost who you are and your present day self is looking back at your old self wondering, "how did I get here?". While you can't go back in time you can certainly grow from this experience into a stronger person. You used to be an outgoing person and so I hope that you won't feel that you need to handle this alone. Sometimes we grow the most only after we've suffered the most.

Look at your own signature. Even if it's all you have, hold on to your faith and have faith in yourself and your ability to get through this. I hope that you'll seek out some help working through this. You're young and still have your whole life ahead of you. That being said, if you're having any active thoughts about hurting yourself please ask for a ride to the ER or call 911. You can also call 1-800-SUICIDE if you just want someone to talk to.
Posted 12/3/2010 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Annnie. Thanks for sharing more of your story with us. One thing that stuck out for me was the sense that you are feeling a great amount of guilt. Have you ever heard the saying 'eaten up with guilt'? This would suggest that guilt can consume you, leaving behind nothing! I know that you apologized, as you stated in your post. You have done your part, the rest is up to him. If you don't mind me saying, he doesn't sound like a forgiving, or healthy person. He showed his vindictive side, by the stunt he pulled in having you come to his home-town, just to let you down. Also, whenever you change as a person so drastically for someone else (you going from outgoing/social to seeing only him) it should be a major red flag that something isn't right.
I am not trying to make you feel worse. I just want to point out that what you did was not unforgivable, it was a one time mistake that you tried to make right. Leave that guilt behind, and instead concentrate on getting back that vibrant, fun girl that you are under all of this! I think that you deserve to be happy, and that eventually, you will find someone whole, and healthy with whom you can share that with!
Be well:)
Scaredy Cat
Posted 12/9/2010 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
I really wish to use counselling but my parents feel I'm doing all the loneliness act caz I want sympathy. I'm feeling so frustrated. Have so much to say but none to hear or understand.
Posted 12/9/2010 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
What you described Annie is more than simply loneliness. Depression, panic attacks, self-deprecation, feeling "no reason to go on", etc. are all legitimate reasons to seek out counseling. You deserve to be helped and are worth it!

I understand wanting your parent's support, but you're an adult now. You don't need them in order to reach out to a therapist. Is there a counseling center on campus that you can go to and ask for help in finding a therapist? If money is an issue ask the counseling center to help you identify some financial resources in your community and/or look into therapists who offer a "sliding scale" meaning a reduced rate based upon your ability to pay. There are options out there. You just have to find them.
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