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Any tips for not internalizing conflicts with neighbors and/or family?

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 8/6/2011 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
I am having a really tough time with this. I am feeling really anxious right now, close to panicky. A couple of days ago my husband was walking outside (actually to check on a barking dog that we've had issues with before) and a neighbor girl (who's friends with my girls and is very precocious, knows no boundries, treats adults the same as other kids) kept asking him what he was doing. She was yelling across the street to him "what are you doing?" He ignored her because our childrens' bedroom windows were open and he didn't want to wake them. He also didn't think he owed a 7 yr old any explanations and frankly after we put our kids to bed we don't really want to hang out with other peoples kids. We put our kids to bed to have down time and adult time. The neighbor girls, age 7 & 8 stay up till 11pm or so. These neighbors were yelling up to our girls bedroom window shortly before this happend, even though they've been repeatedly asked not to do this. Anyways she kept persisting and finally shouted, "I SAID what are you doing?!". He yelled back "Mind your own business!". I was walking with a friend and only heard that part of the interaction. Their mom was outside and telling her he shouldn't have said that, looking at me. I went across the street for their version, then talked to hubby. I support him and I don't think what he did was wrong, though I wouldn't have yelled at the girl personally. He didn't think of it like that. His version of yelling is much louder even though I could see how what he did could be perceived as yelling and have felt that way myself before (He is very type A and does not tolerate anything in the neighborhood, dogs barking, people mowing after dark, not easy for me) . I am learning to pick my battles and this isn't one of them. These girls are constantly questioning us about why our kids have to go to bed at such and such a time and why they can't do such and such. It's not their business really. Why do we have to answer to them?  I am trying to stay out of any neighborhood disputes that don't directly involve me. Anyways I am friends, but not good friends with the mom. Our kids go to school together and are in cheerleading together so I can't avoid her or them. Our kids are good friends.  I facebooked her after I talked to hubby and told her his side of the story. A couple interactions later she said the child didn't derserve this and he may not SCREAM at her child and she will tell him if I don't want to. I didn't write back after that. I haven't seen or talked to the mom or kids yet, but I will see them Mon at practice for sure. I am feeling so nervous about this. I had a really bad migraine yesterday (partly due to hormones, but not helped by stress) and I am now having an upset stomach. My kids are away for the night at a friends and we are supposed to be celebrating our anniversary, but I can't stop dwelling on this. Anyone have ideas that could help me? I really hate this and my close friends are probably sick of hearing about it since I can't stop obsessing. This is so unhealthy. Help!
Posted 8/7/2011 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
I can see how this is so upsetting, but this is what I would do. (But, I am a hard person at times too)

I would email, apoligizing for the yelling at the children, but I would also add, you are not required to answer all her childrens questions pertaining to decisions you make for your family, but for you, the matter is now over, and you wish to continue your friendship as things were.

On Mon when you meet with cheerleading, as uncomfortable as it is, I would try and act as I normally would, and if she wishes to continue and make things harder, I would honestly walk away from the relationship.

I think sometimes when your friends have different sets of standards, and very diferent sets of values as to how kids are bought up, the gap at times can be too large and comprimising doesn't always work in a way that is healthy for all involved.

Just my honest opinion, from someone that can find herself lonely at times as I do walk away if I am finding I am needing to comprimise my standards and beleives in order to suit others.

Good luck
Posted 8/8/2011 2:36 AM (GMT 0)
Agreeing with awty all the way! It does make me sick to see parents not parenting!...and not teaching one's children to respect their elders, allowing them to stay up all hours of the night, and behave in a rude manner is ultimately hurting the children!

I could not be friends with someone who did not raise their children with kind and firm boundaries, because I see it as a horrible disservice to the kids. (and in the bigger scope, society)

Try not to let it color your opinion of the kids, as they are only the product of their upbringing...but at the same time, set and keep your own boundaries, because that is your right!

Remeber that you did nothing wrong. Hold your head high at the next meeting, and smile politely. I'm betting this will all blow over soon:)

Take care,
S.C.
Posted 8/8/2011 12:15 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I am feeling better about everything today. I can't avoid them, but I am going to try to stay busy with the kids and connect up with other families that I am more in tune with. The part that is mostly giving me anxiety is that my husband "yelled" at her daughter. He is loud sometimes, but I know that he actually thought he was being polite by just telling her to mind her own business. I felt he handled this situation fine, but he has a reputation with some neighbors (like her neighbor right next to her, although they aren't friendly anymore because she realizes that the neighbor is really inconsiderate and fake) for being a jerk because he won't put up with dog barking or other excessive noise (he's a little OCD about it, but that's another story). He is not always polite about it, but I am the one that would just go crazy and put up with it. I feel like this is another mark against him. I just have to remind himself that I do have some true friends in the neighborhood and very good friends that we've had for 30 years or more that love us even with our faults :-).
Posted 8/8/2011 1:29 PM (GMT 0)

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

Welcome to the wonderful world of being married. My husband sometimes annoys me by just breathing - that is snoring - "giggle".  We all do many things that are annoying.  I would quit worrying about your husband annoying the neighbors, your friends or others.  You married him for who he is and he married you for who you are.  If you love him then remember he is your best friend. 

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

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