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How do you ignore hurt and be positive without ignoring your own feelings?

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Posted 8/21/2011 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
some of you on here know i have had trouble with my teenage son in the past - he moved to his dad's moms last year.  well, he called me and we started talking last month - a few weeks before his bday.   now today i was supposed to eat lunch with him and his gf and mom.  i asked him this morning when they were coming so i could plan on it.  he said i will just call you when we get to town.  and was very rude and cussing cause he didn't want me question him about anything.  he has been so happy for the past month i don't know he is being so hateful again othe than he is working very early in the mornig and in the heat and i'm sure not getting enuf sleep and tired.  no excuse though.

so i got very upset at how he was acting and started telling him exactly how i felt  - and raising my voice.  afterwards i called him and told him i shouldn't have acted that way but i'm sick of him treating me like he does.  his phone broke i bought him for his bday and they mailed me another one.  he is supposd to get it today.  i told my son he should talk respectfully to women and he said you've never been married - don't give me relationship advice. and said i have been knocked up twice and that's when i lost it! it is hurtful beyond belief when your own child talks to you this way. he told me he didn't want to eat with me now and to just leave his phone on the back porch. 

i am just soo hurt and crying when i should be relaxing by myself with my 5 yr old at his dads.  i don' tknow how to deal with this. he is my son and i can't just ignore it and be positive about it.  i know we are responsible how we react to people but how can i just pretend i'm not hurt?  and i have been having anxiety the last few days before this.  i just feel beat down and don't know how to pick myself back up.  i'm not married, my family lives 100 miles away and my friends are all married and preoccupied with their own lives.  i have one friend who lives across from me with panic too but she is lost and in her own little world.  uses diff. men to pay her way in life.

anyway what i'm saying is - how do i be happy with this turmoil in my life?  he is my son and i love him so much.  life is short and i can't stand this.

 

Posted 8/21/2011 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi HN, you can't ignore that hurt-it's impossible to not feel...but you may be able to protect yourself from it in the future.

I wonder if a pattern has been established in your relationship. He is rude and disrespectful, you or course react, then both of you end up apologizing, and ultimately your son get the things (new phone) that he wants.

I hope that I am not overstepping my bounds here, but I would do this. Until your son can show the repspect that you deserve, he is cutt off. No more help with material things, and limited interaction. This will not only protect you, but help him to become the son that he should be.

I know, easier said than done, but it can be done. We had to do this with my oldest daughter. I would not respond to her bait to drag me into an arguement. I simply told her that she would have to be courteous and kind to us (me, step-dad and half-sister) if she was to be welcomed in our house/family event.

I wish you the best in this difficult situation, try not to take it personally...kids are just that way, doesn't make it right, but it's not something to internalize...

Take care,
S.C.
Posted 8/21/2011 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
thank you s.c. i met him and he was angry and his gf didn't seem too happy either about his behavior. so apparently it's not just me who he treats this way. then after i left i got a text that said "i'm really sorry for being mad." at least he has a conscience i guess but still.
well, i had already bought the phone for his bday and had to get the old one that wasn't working from him to send back. so i was kind of in a bad place. he said he talked to them already and they won't give an 18 yr old his own service without a $500 deposit. i want him to have a phone in case he needs it in an emergency and so i can communicate with him. when his contract expires in dec. i will end his and he will have to find something.
i hate that he is so angry inside. i want to see my child happy. i'm just glad he apologized and realizes how he acts.
and yes i need to quit reacting to his behavior - i just get hurt and it just happens. ugh
Posted 8/21/2011 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
You are treated how you let others treat you. This is a saying I try to remember when people dump on me. I no longer waste my time on people that are liars, jerks, etc. It is a lot easier to dump people like that than your child.

It sounds like your son has issues. He is also 18. You really have no control over his life as he's an adult. I'd let him know that I am there for him but that I will no longer take his disrespect. Tough love is hard to do. I've had to do it with my mother.

If he has to have a $500 deposit to get a phone then he needs to save the $500 and get it in his own name. We went a lot of years without cell phones and they are luxeries. You have the power to turn his phone off and if he keeps on treating you this way I would turn it off. Teaching him how to treat you better. It's never to late.

I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, you are trying to be a loving mother and he is really upsetting you. I hope you are feeling better by now.
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