What's going on?

Man I feel just completely lost.  I am just struggling to make it through the day or even enjoy anything.  Today I had the day off and planned on going out to the stores to buy some clothes that I need because I've been putting on weight (from just sitting around and doing nothing), then I was giong to go buy a video game, and then I was planning on joining back up at the gym.  I only accomplished one of these tasks.  I only went out and bought a video game, which thank god I did because that's what kept my attention off of myself somewhat today.  I was even analyzing what kind of game I got and how it's not like the usual shooters/call of duty/gears of war type games that I normally get.  After I came out of that store I was going to go to this food place next door to grab a burrito but I was there 5 minutes before they opened.  I parked out front and was going to wait but then felt weird like they were all looking at me waiting in the parking lot so I decided to leave instead.

I talked myself in and out of continuing my college classes remaining for this semester as well about 4x today.  I was thinking that I might as well finish up the class and see it through as there's only a month left, then I was like screw it Mike you are having enough trouble keeping your head on straight just try and relax and focus on getting better.

I did that by finally picking up the phone and trying to seek out a p doc as my therapist recommended.  I found a couple and left a few messages so hopefully one will give me a ring back with an appointment sometime soon.  I'm getting worried that I might run out of xanax before then though.  I also found out from my healthcare provider that I shoudl only be paying 20 a visit as my copay for a psychologist/psychiatrist visit as opposed to the 40 my current psychologist is charging me.  It is a little confusing though because my card says specialist $40 but according to my healthcare provider they say that therapists are classified under office visits.  I was pissed when I heard about this, thinking *** why is my current doctor charging me more?  But when I looked at my card I calmed myself down by reminding myself that maybe it could haev just been a mistake or something.

I've just been walking around all day pretty much just lost.  I have been carrying small conversations n stuff with the family but I really do feel pretty darn alone.  I don't know how to describe it besides just stuck in my own little boring ass world.  Nothing excites me, grabs my interest, so I just pass the day away trying to focus on games and stuff as opposed to worrying about my mental health.  It's pretty annoying though when I think about it, that I'm 26 and i'm to the point where I'm struggling to just get through a day off.  Most people my age/my friends would love having a day off and would actually do something productive.  I've pretty much done nothing, and have had no motivation to do so.  I question constantly why I can't just pull myself out of this funk, it's extremely annoying that I seem to lack the effort or drive to fight this.  And I am SO SCARED that I'm getting more and more of the "I don't give a crap attitude".  It worries me because I don't want to do anything stupid at work or anything, say something that could get me fired or whatever.  I'm not a  violent person, but lately I've just been extremely frustrated and this week at work was kind of rough.  I found myself complaining a lot more then usual which is annoying because I hate doing it, but I don't know how else to feel.  The bad part is I know deep down it's not just the job...there's gotta be some way out of this crap that will bring back a little bit of normalcy to my life.  Lately I just wake up in the morning, watch a movie, start counting down the minutes in the day until I can go to sleep.  Sick life right?

Thanks Kitt, I gave that site a try last year and felt like it wasn't really working for me. I have some issues that just never seem to go away. First and foremost being my jaw/mouth/speaking issues. Although everyone says I sound fine now, growing up I always had trouble with a lisp because of a severe open bite which I've told you guys I had corrected with surgery. During the surgery I hid myself in my room due to the embarassment of how down/depressed I felt. Due to how bad and swollen I looked, and how badly I couldn't talk. When the wires were taken off (was wired shut for 3 months) my lips were completely numb and had a very tough time talking. I worked in my fathers business during this time, in manufacturing, which allowed me to kind of hide/seclude myself from really having to interract or talk much. I got the feeling back a little bit so things are a little better now, but my bite/teeth are still off. I just went to a new dentist 2 weeks ago to have a cleaning and they even mentioned that only 3-4 teeth in my mouth touch. The surgery wasn't a 100% success, even though it did reduce the gap between my front teeth a lot, it left my bite off and only the teeth on the right side touch. I'm extremely self conscious about this, have always been.

Growing up when I wanted this surgery my dad would talk to me and tell me to just be happy and learn to accept our shortcomings. He could relate a lot to this because he was born with only one hand and does VERY well for himself and for our family. I feel like telling him it's different though. It wasn't his mouth that was disformed/different, it was his hand. Granted I'm sure that comes with a LONG list of problems, but not socially/speaking. I have developed such a self conscious mentality towards talking, how I sound, if I pronounce things right, if my lisp is coming back, how my bite is and how it feels completely lopsided and retarded (which it kind of is). It's not noticeable but if I pointed it out you would notice definitely how off it is. I'm hoping my current dentist can help me with this, he said maybe he could grind my teeth or do some other type of procedure to correct it.

Depressing part is when talking to my new dentist, that he said he felt bad for me. He said that kids that have the problem that I was born with now have the corrective surgery now when they're 6 or 7. They used to say that it would stunt your growth or interfere with it. Now they have discovered that that's not the case and decide to do the surgery before the kids middle/high school years. Lucky me eh?

Sorry for the rant, just sitting home on a saturday night. Friends have called me to go hang out but I'm just really not feeling up to it, feeling very out of it and just not in a very upbeat type of mood. They're going out for drinks and I just know that if I'm in this kind of state, that it'll just get worse with a few drinks. I'm planning on joining back at the gym tomorrow and getting back into a workout routine. I need to do something physically to get my body right. People say you need to get your body and mind right and the two go hand and hand. I have had trouble sleeping lately too, so maybe exercising will help me use up some of the energy that keeps me up at night.

I just really wonder if I'm ever going to get over this insecurity of how I speak and my bite/surgery/etc? It holds me back from so many things. It holds me back socially, it holds me back in relationships (never been in 1 because of it), holds me back even with my family. Growing up I was self conscious of it but was able to still do things, the older I get the more of hold it seems to have on me.