HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

How many have lost parents from death or unrelated issue?

Support Forums
>
Anxiety & Panic Disorders
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 11/25/2011 1:04 AM (GMT 0)
I have a theory that many of us with panic/anxiety have issues with abandonment from one form or another, either death of a parent while still young or teenage years, separation because of divorce or being taken away because of abuse. I feel because my father died when I was 15 that it has lead to a life of hypochondria and fear/anxiety that I am going to die, it is deep within my conscience and it creeps to the surface as anxiety, feeling ill, panic attacks. I am just curious anyone else feels the same way and would appreciate your responses.
It also seems that most of the people I know who don't have these issues are around my age (49) and still have their parents in their lives, could there be a connection?
Posted 11/25/2011 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
Tinlou-

Interesting thoughts. My dad died when I was 10, he was 48. I have always thought that I only have until 48 myself. I'll be 41 in January. Has always seemed like a count down to me.

Take care,
Bill
Posted 11/25/2011 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
My dad was only 49 when he died. Very young and very hard to deal with that is for sure. I know what you have gone through and I think the correlation is real.
Posted 11/25/2011 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
I was 22 months old when my Mother was killed in a car crash,  40 years old when I lost my Dad to cancer, 45 when I lost my 21 year old son to Car Crash along with his best friend and I lost my 2 sisters and 1 brother within a 17 month time frame so I have lost all of my family and picked up a dx of PTSD to go with my Depression/Anxiety dx.

However I do have my husband, 3 awesome children that are alive and well, 7 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren so I do my best to stay in the moment and deal with my anxiety attacks one at a time.

Do I worry about death - very rarely as there is nothing you can do to stop fate so enjoy your time and reach for the stars as you deserve happiness.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

Posted 11/25/2011 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
Kitt, I am so sorry to hear about all that you have gone through. I thought I had it rough losing both of my parents at a young age but this just goes to show that my life really isn't so bad.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my child, my heart aches for you even if you don't want sympathy I find it difficult not to give it. You seem to have such a positive attitude about it all and seem to appreciate what you do have and not focusing so much on the negative. Very hard to do but admirable just the same.
Posted 11/25/2011 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Tinlou,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and they are appreciated. I shed a lot of tears and I miss my family every day but I cry alone most of the time as my tears upset my hubby and children.  The tears of a clown - that would be me on a sad day and so I chase good days.

Great topic as sometimes you just want to share how you feel.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

 

Posted 11/25/2011 10:00 PM (GMT 0)

Very interesting.

I lost my Dad when I was 10, he was 53, to lung cancer. My triplet sister died of a brain tumor when we were 3, and I lost my first child due to prematurity. I am somewhat obsessed with the thought of dying or being in a hospital.

I wonder if it is indeed related.

My health anxiety is at an all time high right now, but some days are better than others. Sigh.

Posted 11/25/2011 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
Oh my.. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, sister and child, and like i said to Kitt, I can never imagine what it would be like to lose a child but you have had to deal with plenty more.
My anxiety is always worse around this time. My father was in the hospital and died a few days after Christmas. I am sure the two are related. I guess I never allow myself to get too happy because I am always expecting something bad to happen.
Posted 11/26/2011 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
My Mom died when I was 11, and I am an only child. I am pretty much 100% certain that my panic/anxiety issues are a direct result of my life being shredded to pieces and nothing ever being the same again. Not only did I lose her, but also my entire support system of her large family when my Dad remarried. A real mess. I got zero counseling, and therefore, had no coping skills and my life now is filled with fierce anxiety every day. I can't cope with much at all.
Posted 11/26/2011 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally sympathize with you, as I lost my father to cancer when I was eight and never spoke to a counselor about it. Today, I am in counseling and it really helps--have you considered going?
Posted 11/26/2011 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
LHA112, I agree with you so much in the fact that when we lose someone so important to us in our lives, especially when we are young, counseling is extremely important. I truly believe I should have had some sort of counseling as well but instead my mother was too distraught to notice that I also lost someone, not just her. I act as if I am strong on the outside but really, like you, I don't have great coping skills and to this day when I get really stressed I will snap and lash out angrily because I don't know what else to do. It is hard to lose a parent but losing your mom must have been very difficult for you. I have a daughter and that is my biggest fear, leaving her, it scares me in to a state of panic sometimes.


Faith. what has the counselor told you/helped you gain insight to that has helped you? I have thought about seeing a counselor as well but don't know at this point if it will help.
Posted 11/26/2011 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
I actually just started counseling - one sesson so far - and she immediately told me that my childhood loss with no support most likely jump started my anxiety issues as I completely remember beginning to feel 'scared', etc. in elementary school when my Mom was ill. No one EVER told me she was sick (breast cancer), but obviously I knew something was terribly wrong. It was a miserable, stressful, odd environment now that I look back. It was never dealt with in the open. She died, and that was it. I got a live-in babysitter, then Dad remarried fairly quickly. Terrible.

I am so glad this thread was started. I have always felt so alone because so few people understand this devastating loss and its impact that never, ever goes away.
Posted 11/26/2011 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
You are so right about the fact that very few people understand the enormity of feelings involved with a loss of a parent when you are so young to really grasp the concept of death and how it is going to affect you for the rest of your life. At the time I thought I was going through it just fine. I was confused, sad but still thought I was fine. Well, it isn't until later that it hits you in the form of panic and anxiety.

Your family sound like mine where as no one talked about it. My dad was sick, I knew that but after he died it was silence. What we needed was to talk about it and how we are going to deal with this later in life because it affects every relationship you will ever have in one way or another. I had no clue that it was going to be this big but I am certain that this has contributed to my anxiety and panic.
Posted 11/26/2011 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
Add me to the list. My father died when I was 15, from complications of alcoholism.

There are of course people who have lost loved ones, and don't suffer anxiety after the initial mourning period.

There are also people who have anxiety, who have not lost anyone close...

However, you are definitely on to something here. The responses and length of this thread seem to prove it!

I too would like to offer condolences to all of you, and would give you all big, real hugs if I could! (((( ))))

Take care everybody, and guard yourselves for the upcoming holiday stress/sadness. Do the things that you need to, to help you cope and get through the lonely times of missing your loved ones.

S.C.
Posted 11/27/2011 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
S.C., my mom was an alcoholic so I know what that is like as well, very very difficult. That comes with its very own issues as well. I don't know what your life was like but I felt as if i had to jump through hoops to keep my mother happy.

You are correct, many people with anxiety issues have never lost a loved one, maybe I am just focusing on that particular aspect because it has affected me so much and when I see my friends, who are my age, 49, still have their parents, I correlate their happiness to that exactly. Now I know this isn't always true but it doesn't seem as though they have anxiety issues as much, especially the health related ones. In a way I envy them, I love them but I still have that twinge of envy.
I wonder how our lives would be different if we hadn't lost a loved one, especially at a young age.
Posted 11/27/2011 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
Tinlou,

I have often wondered also how different our lives would have been if we had not suffered a loss of such significance so young. I honestly can say that just about every single relationship in my life has been altered by my mom's death. I 'lost' all my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., when my mom died. It's crazy how it all 'snowballs' and the fallout never seems to end.

I'm glad to hear that you have wondered the same things. Makes me feel like I make sense to someone because my husband just doesn't understand.

I am so sorry for everyone who has replied to this thread. My very best thoughts to all of you. I guess we're in this together.
Posted 11/27/2011 7:31 AM (GMT 0)
I don't think it particularly has to do with your parents. If you have lost anyone close (family, relative, friends) to you, to some illness, that would certainly affect the way you deal with your physical health. And I believe it is unfair to say that people who have not lost a parent will never have hypochondria. We can never "see" what goes in their lives and in their minds. We all deal and react to things differently.

But I do agree that our parents (alive or not) have a huge impact on us an our lives and what they did in the past will affect you throughout your whole life. I wish we could choose our parents.
Posted 11/27/2011 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
melodee, I don't think anyone is saying that losing any close relative isn't significant but instead my post was about losing a parent, at a very critical time in your life when you are very young or even a teenager can't be compared to losing perhaps and aunt or uncle. I lost aunts, uncles, grandparents, ect..but it definitely wasn't the same for me.

Losing my father lead me to making the obvious choices in men. always older most likely because I wanted a father figure.
Posted 11/27/2011 3:40 PM (GMT 0)
melodee, I can totally understand why you have had anxiety all of your life considering the abuse you endured throughout your life. So sorry to hear about that. Have you ever gone to counseling or therapy of any kind? Sometimes i think we try to be so strong and think we can handle everything on our own but sometimes we just need a bit of help.

I am also sorry to hear about all that your mom has gone through? How has she handled it and how do you think it has affected her throughout her life? I know we all have baggage and some of us handle it differently. For instance, my brother is now an alcoholic where my anxiety shows up in panic attacks. I know I am not alone and that is why I, for one, am very happy to have this forum for further understanding of what we all go through.
Posted 11/28/2011 12:34 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, there is so much heartache in this thread...I feel for everyone of us, and just wish that it could all be made better.

I heard once that hurt is often manifested as anger...I wonder if anxiety has some of it's roots in pain and loss, I'm pretty sure for some it does.

We all have things in the past that have left their scars. The good news is that while we are affected by them, we don't have to stay in those dark places forever, we are free to work hard, get the help necessary, and move bravely (if slowly) toward a happier and healthier future!:)

Here's to all of us, we are survivors.

S.C.
Posted 11/28/2011 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
I guess it could be repressed anger. I really try not to get angry or lose my temper because I remember my mother doing that all of the time when she was drunk and would say and do the cruelest things. I swore I wouldn't do that to my daughter and have tried to break the cycle.

I think our anxiety is from trying to do too much, for everyone, in order to be "loved". I did everything for my mother because she was always drunk so I had to basically take care of her all of the time. That does lead to some resentment for sure.

Like i said before, I am so grateful for this site so I can talk about this, it is healing and therapeutic in its own small way.
Posted Yesterday 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
Really interesting topic, I will consider this a little longer. Firstly, sorry to all that have lost anyone that they had a connection with, although it is inevietable and rocks us to its core everytime.

I would like to add however, that sometimes a child may have a Parent that is alive, but the parent is so dis-engaged and so abusive, that the child really feels there is no connection to this person that is positive in any way. I grew up this way, and my 'issues', are very much from that time of my life, not because my Father had devorced my Mother, but, because of what my Mother and Step Father did to me. When my Mother died when I was 20, I was confused, I should have been sad and upset, but I wasn't. (I wasn't happy, but I certainly wasn't grieving either) I concluded, you can't lose something that you never had.
Posted Yesterday 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
awty,

Great post and I agree with you.  I was raised by my stepmother from the time I was 5 years old and she was an alcoholic and verbally abusive as well as she liked to slap me around so I went from having no Mom to believing my stepmom was what Mothers were like. 

It is the sum total of our life experiences that make us who we are. 

Losing someone special to you is never easy but I believe we cannot stop fate even thow dealing with the hand we are dealt is not always easy.

Blessings,

Kitt

Posted Yesterday 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
awty, sometimes being abused and neglected is worse than having a parent die because when a parent passes we can grieve and hopefully know that they loved us and wanted to be here for us. When you are abused by a parent or parents one would automatically assume that they are not loved or worthy. At least we can fantasize how our lives would be if our parent remained alive, you can't.

I absolutely feel for you. My mother was an alcoholic, started drinking immediately after my dad died and was extremely verbally abusive. After she passed, I was sad but like you held some resentment towards her as well.
I just tell myself that she also had a miserable childhood, she did, and she did the best that she could at the time I suppose. The key is to break that cycle of abuse. I don't drink, never spanked my child and really try to hold my tongue so I don't say mean things when i am mad. Best of luck to you and hang in there.
Posted Today 3:43 AM (GMT 0)
stkitt,

I, too, was raised by a stepmother after my mom died...which is all I feel comfortable saying right now...but I totally know where you are coming from. Now she has dementia, but I cannot forget the years when she didn't...they are burned into my memory. I like what you said about the sum of our life experiences make us who we are. Both good and bad I guess.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12