First post: Need reassurance!

Hoffy, It sounds to me like your swallowing issue is a result of anxiety. It was happening to me alot when my anxiety/panic came screaming back. I felt like I was literally going to choke on my food, and sometimes even liquids.

I was on Zoloft myself, on and off, for the last ten years or so, and just recently went back on it in October. This is my fourth time on it now, and to be honest, I have no plans on going off of it again. It seems that anxiety/panic disorders go into remission. I wasn't on any meds at all for about 3 years, and then one day it all came rushing back again. Since then, my anxiety, panic, and depression have been out of control. So here I am again on the Zoloft, and I also take xanax with it.

I always did extremely well on 50 mgs of Zoloft alone every time I took it. This time however, I am up to 100 mgs AND the xanax .5 twice a day. I'm supposed to take it three times a day but I don't. I couldn't figure out why this time I needed more, so I went to see a new psychologist, and was diagnosed as having OCD and PTSD on top of the GAD, Panic Disorder, and Depression I already have. FUN STUFF huh?

Anyway, i'm rambling like I do sometimes, but the moral of my story is this..... If you need medication to make you feel "normal". Then so be it! You don't have to tell ANYONE that you are on medication if you don't feel comfortable with it. Trust me, I have been dealing with anxiety/panic and depression for 25 years now. I used to have the same mindset as you about taking medication. But then I realized one thing.......

People take life sustaining medications for heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc..... So why do we feel as though it's bad to take meds for our conditions? They are priceless to some of us who suffer debilitating "attacks", and to some, it's the only way they can live a "normal" life without constant fear or worry about things we have no control over.

I really hope this helps change your view on taking medications if you need to, and if there comes a time when you need to go back on your medication, you won't be so hard on yourself about it. Take care! Fox

Hello Hoffy and welcome!

You have received wonderful advice so far, so I just wanted to welcome and encourage you.

I am so sorry to hear of your earlier experiences. I can see that you are trying to make the best decisions for yourself now, and I applaud you!

You have reached out here, and are among friends. There is no judgement here, and we understand what you are going through.

I hope that you will continue to post with us. We will support you and help when we can.:)

Post anytime!

Scaredy Cat

I am doing a bit better this morning, my friend/roommate just woke me up so we can go see the movie.

I have been in therapy my entire life, starting at age 4. My parents seemed to think that from the get go I was going to need therapy (I'm adopted my sisters are not). Over the years, up until I literally had a nervous breakdown at 17 years old I hated my therapists. Especially the one I had from 14-17, as my dad and his devil tongue somehow had that therapist wrapped around his little finger and she would tell him things I would discuss in therapy with her, which apparently isn't illegal since I was still a minor. In any case I know she was telling him things because when I would try to say certain stuff to her she would reply with things like, "Well I talked to your dad about that and he said it wasn't true" so I literally spent a year after that point being forced to see her by my parents who wouldn't let me get a new therapist, which ended up with me going into the session once a week and sitting there saying absolutely nothing so she couldn't report back to my dad.

Then I met my new therapist Liz at age 20 and saw her til I was 23 when she quit her job due to issues unrelated to me. After that I moved on to another therapist and things were fine with her until I got in a relationship with a sociopath. She moved in with me, I thought I was in love, the whole shebang. Well after the very messy break up, my therapist kept in contact with her (it's not me being paranoid, I have evidence to back up the fact that they were in contact) and my therapist seemed WAY too empathetic with HER point of view and not mine. The last straw was when that therapist said that I have no empathy, which is such a line of BS that I can't even begin to explain. I basically told her that she was fired and have not seen her since.

Well, I did mention Liz, her and I had a strong relationship and when we parted we kept in touch very randomly through E-mail. I E-mailed her to tell her that I was not seeing a therapist any more (the one she had personally set me up with) and Liz told me that she had gone into private practice and could see me again, so I have been seeing her for a year.

So from age 17 til now I have only had one therapist that I didn't like. I have gone through CBT and a whole bunch of other therapies and in these 10 years I have moved MILES from where I was to where I am now. It's hard for me to trust therapists, because of the experience I had with my dad. Liz is the first one I have ever been able to trust completely, as she is very aware of my concerns that I could be betrayed and have been in the past.

In any case there is LOADS of things my parents have done to me in my life that have messed me up. Things I still discuss with my therapist to this day! I am at the point where I hate my parents, I just hate them. If you want more background I will share it, but I am sure no one wants to throw me a pity party.

Anyway thanks for the replies and support!

I understand what you are saying and I have been able to let go and forgive many who have severely hurt or wronged me. However, there is a small list of people that I cannot see myself ever forgiving as they either intentionally set out to hurt and use me not caring about the consequences, or they hurt me so bad I just cannot see them anywhere near deserving of my forgiveness.

I am Catholic, I actually converted a few years ago. I had to take classes and learn and all that. I am in no way overly religious (as I am a lesbian so that should tell you something) but I believe that the people who have wronged me in some deep or permanent way will have more of a trial to get into heaven if my malicious thoughts are holding them back. I am in no way saying they don't deserve eternal peace, but let them work for it, as they made me suffer they to shall suffer and only God can have the ultimate say.

Recently my mom's good friend died of cancer....on my birthday. Now, this woman had been nothing but a terror to me my whole life, even as a child when I shouldn't have been treated as cruelly as I was. No I was not a perfect child, never claimed to be, in fact I was a brat to my parents but I was very well behaved with family friends as it was instilled in me not to "ruin" my parents reputation by acting out. Anyway when I was 17 my dad and I were invited down to her condo in February for a week. The only reason I agreed to go was that, I freaking hate Ohio winters and it was a chance to escape that. I was also assured I could spen 99% of the time with my dad and not her. The first night, she took us out to dinner and subsequently got drunk.

We had to walk back to the condo because we had walked to the tavern on the beach in order to get dinner. I was having a light hearted conversation with my dad and considering the stress him and I were both under due to what was going on at home at the time, it was a nice break from all the fighting. Out of the clear blue sky, my mom's friend started trash talking to me, as if I said something to set her off. She just started going off on me. Because I knew we were at her condo and I couldn't get a smart mouth with her lest we be kicked out, I decided to walk faster and just ignore her. My dad, well not surprisingly he did not come to my defense so I was left to fend for myself. It reached a point where she stood in front of me and tried to provoke me into actual, phsyical combat. At the worst, she shoved me. I was no stranger to fighting back then and thought about punching her, which is clearly what she wanted. However my rational brain told me that she was smaller than me and way older than me and it wouldn't be fair. Also I had no idea she was drunk as she was an alcoholic and always had been, I was not informed of this til many years later when she was diagnosed with cancer.

So I told her to get away from me and ran the rest of the way to the condo to get away from her. When my dad finally found me, he told me he had heard the whole thing. I asked him what I did to deserve that and he said he honestly didn't know (which was a first for me cause normally he would have had a whole bucket full of things I had done to set off any given person at any given time, it came down to the confrontation being my fault 99% of the time, no matter who it was with).

In the end he said if she did it again we would go to a hotel for the rest of the trip. She got the flu and spent the rest of our stay in her bedroom, so I didn't see her.....ever again come to think of it. Every memory I have of her is bitter and horrible, she was a screeching monster to me and I never once deserved it. When she died, and even before, it was well known by my family that I hated this woman. My dad said I should pray for her, but I can't think of any redeeming quality that she had, why should I pray for her mortal soul when she was always a miserable woman to me and probably countless others? Why does she deserve my forgiveness without ever once even offering me an apology for all the things she had done? I just don't hand out forgiveness unless I think the person truly didn't know what they were doing?

She, my Ex-Girlfriend, and my parents, have lashed out at me in ways I will never understand. When it comes to my parents, maybe it was unintentional maybe it was intentional, in any case they have never attempted to apologize for the role they have played in my life and until they do, I cannot let it go and I will not forgive. They still have plenty of time to come to their senses but if they don't then their loss. As I literally feel no emotional bond to them as parents (yes I love them, do I feel a maternal and paternal connection? Not as it has been described to me by people who actually have the connection) In fact there is hard evidence that my mother didn't even try to bond with me as a baby!

Maybe I'm cruel and uncaring, but considering all who have wronged me and all I have forgiven through prayer and reflection, I don't think I am wrong to hold 4 small grudges.