Hi, Pixie, and welcome to HW!
I’m not sure if this will be of help or not, but I thought I’d share some of my own experiences when it comes to talking to my husband about this stuff.
For one thing, we both go to therapy individually, as he also suffers from anxiety (a completely different kind of manifestation than what I deal with), and obsessive compulsive disorder. Regardless, I have my moments like this, which I think happen with most people, of expecting one thing—like anger or ridicule (mostly programmed from my own history of abuse), and I tend to lash out because of it. I’ve gotten much better about this, because my husband and I have sort of a system when it comes to dealing with this. In essence, we act as a mirror for each other when this kind of thing occurs.
For example, I’ll say something that will come off really defensive because I’m anticipating one particular reaction (often just projecting something that isn’t there), and he’ll stop me and tell me, in a very curious and empathetic manner, that I sound sort of defensive, and he’ll ask what’s going on for me emotionally right at that moment. I take my time to think about what it is I’m feeling and whether or not that came from something that was actually happening presently, or if it was something that sparked a memory or some such from my history—like a programmed feeling or reaction to certain topics, words, or tones of voice. We actually have a very productive conversation about it—no accusations, just curiosity and empathy, and it works both ways… I do it for him when I notice he’s having some sort of emotional reaction. The emotions themselves are never wrong—they’re just that. Emotions. Tools for you to realize that there’s something going on about a particular situation. However, it’s up to you to break down where it came from and discuss it… to acknowledge whether or not a particular response is appropriate to the present situation, and learn to recognize when this happens, and correct if necessary. I don't like lashing out at him, ever... even if he's done something wrong, or I have, we talk it out. Lashing out feels like abuse, and we've both been guilty of that with each other before... neither of us wants to do that anymore.
open dialogue and communication is essential. If you’re in a situation where you feel like you can’t be comfortable enough to really make yourself that vulnerable and discuss these things, then it’s worth evaluating that situation and working toward establishing that sort of environment, for your own mental health and for those that you love. Continuing therapy has definitely helped with this.
It sounds like your Prince Charming is capable of lots of empathy, so that’s a good thing. Over time it’s gotten much easier to recognize when I’m having a reaction to something that’s based purely out of my own history, and the conversations only serve to enrich the relationship I have with my husband. We learn a lot about ourselves and each other, and it’s fulfilling. After each of these conversations, I feel like we’ve gotten closer and we understand each other that much better.
Anyway, this is just my experience in a nutshell—there’s always a lot more to it, but I hope this gets the general impression across that I’m aiming for. Sorry if it's a little disjointed... I struggle with effectively explaining things. Lol
Good luck, and please keep posting.