I need a helping hand.

Things have been rough around here lately.. My grandmother is a nice lady who means well and cares about her children and grandchildren.. She wants my dad to get better so she wants the house to be super insanely clean.. Shes just as worried as everyone else is.. Maybe sometimes she can be a little dramatic.. But my dad is her son.. I have to remember that this is very hard for her too.. And maybe sometimes she says things and does things that can definitely be taken the wrong way.. I just hope it's not true that she doesn't blame the cancer on the house not being clean.. and that she blames the house not being clean on me and Andrew because that would and is an awful type of guilt to carry.. Even if she didn't mean it that way. The cancer and the chemo are making my dad sick.. He's not eating, he's shivering and shaking.. I haven't talked to him in a few days and I miss him.. It was really hard on wednesday afternoon.. all I wanted to do was go and see him but nobody would come and pick me up.. I ended up seeing him eventually though and it made everything a little bit better.. But last night was hard.. I kept thinking about my dad and how he's not doing okay right now.. and I broke down.. theres a lot of reasons to break down, My grandmother was getting on my case all of friday evening that I don't know how to clean and I don't know how to eat and I'm too skinny and this and that and bla bla bla bla, I love her but she never shuts up.. She acts as if I am a child who doesn't know what cancer means, what the chemo is doing to him and how clean the house has to be before he comes home.. I was stressed to the max dealing with her and then my ex best friend called me the biggest ***** in the world all because I was honest with her about a situation. I have been lashing out at people, thats true.. But this wasn't lashing out.. this was me finally being honest about something that I have been holding in for a long time in the hopes that I could finally fix things between me and her, She was and is emotionally abusive and her intent is never good.. She always claims she didn't do this on purpose or didn't mean to say this or that, She never defended me against her crazy ex boyfriend calling my dad a rapist and me a freak.. She laughed at jokes he made about my family.. She made me feel like I didn't mean anything and she ditched me so many times for her boyfriend and left me standing out there in the cold with my issues.. She then made it seem like all the feelings I have for my best friend (Jason) aren't real because he lives in new york and I live in Ohio. “Your stupid internet boyfriends” she said, That stung..

because of the cancer and the stress and the grandmothers and the horrible reality that I have to be responsible now after not being very responsible for many years (Thats nobody's fault but my own, and I don't blame anyone else) I feel guilty for thoughts of not seeing my dad at the hospital, for not being able to go, for not being able to look at him because I can't stand to see him sick like he is... It's causing me a great deal of agony.. I get mad at people who mean the most to me and that stresses me out even more.. The problem is that I stay in that mood.. I stay there because I don't know if I should be happy with my dad sick the way he is right now.. So I yelled at my best friend (jason) and I said a lot of things I didn't mean .. we are good now but I keep doing it again and again and I don't know how long he'll be able to handle me like this.. I called him crying my eyes out because I was scared of my dad dying.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I mean he's my dad and he's sick.. i've always been used to seeing my dad so strong and now he's not strong at all. He's sickly and pale and he's lost so much weight it's insane....

So the added stress of fighting with people I shouldn't be fighting with also weighs on me, my PMS comes into play and my emotions get even more jumbled than they were.. I feel like sometimes when I am in those moods I honestly cannot (or will not) to break out of them.. I know I have a bad cycle of anger and sadness and my diet sucks and my stress levels are too high and I have too much anxiety and I bring so much drama to things that don't even need to be that complicated.. I worry myself into anxiety about this or that or what if this or what if that.. and it makes everything so much worse for me..

I just don't know much anymore.. But I know I can't do this on my own.

Michiev, I can't really say anything to you that SC hasn't already covered. She gave you some wonderful advice!

I just want to let you know that i'm here for you too. I don't know personally how you are feeling because i've never been in this situation, and I just can't imagine what you must be going through. I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your father at this time.

Sending big hugs your way, Fox