Posted 9/29/2012 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there. I just wanted to say that my introduction to this group was this morning when I was fighting once again as I jolted awake. It is truly the worst feeling in the world, like a snapping of a tree branch in the brain, that triggers an immediate tremor throughout my body, coupled with an immediate rock of nausea that creeps up into my throat until I have to run to the bathroom to dry heave for a few minutes. I suffer also from horrible cold sweats, often on and off throughout the day. I have been developing what I believe is a serious and somewhat dangerous anxiety disorder for several years now, but certain factors in my life over the past few years have really brought it to a new level. I just want to get it all out, so that someone out there, who is having any of these same experiences can not feel alone, and hopefully we can encourage one another. This post is very long, so if you decide to read it all, thanks very much in advance...
The first time I really noticed it getting bad was back in 2006, when I went back to school for a second degree after living in my parents' house for about a year. I got my own first place, and I quickly started to become progressively nervous about the city I was in, and where I could be safe, and such. I had become a heavy drinker in college, which carried through and became even worse when I started living alone. Suddenly, I started centering my life around getting drunk rather than going to school. A few months in, I failed out, but transferred to another school, where I was happier and felt more like I was one the right track. Right around the same time, I met my first very serious girlfriend, who of course I quickly suggested move in with me, which she did. As time went on, I continued drinking, but I was handling it much better, or so it seemed, with her around, and us having to share responsibility. Over time, while still in school, I landed a great job, and broke into the entertainment business, where I continued to excel in school and in work. I worked extremely hard, but our relationship began to suffer as I started waking up sick every morning. I would often have to run to the bathroom and dry heave, whether I drank or not. It got so that I ad to keep seltzer water on hand at all times, and as she drove me to work in the morning on her way to work, I'd often be on the verge of vomiting for most of the ride. THis would often go away early in my shift at work, which was very physically demanding.
In 2008, we decided to make the move out to LA, where I'd always dreamed of chasing my goals and dreams. I was doing so well at my job (as far as anyone knew, but not the case with my girlfriend, who could see me suffering) that I was able to save up over the summer and pack a uhaul and her, and head out west. She was already nervous about everything at this point, and was a little hesitant to go, but she didn't want to leave me. She was growing accustomed to me waking up startled at night and in the mornings, often having cold sweats, not being able to eat, and needing her to hold me for sometimes and hour or two, just to help me know that I would be okay...
We got to our location in the city, which was not the nicest part, and far away from everything I wanted to do. I burned through all my money on the move, and then the economy collapsed, and suddenly there was no work to be found...so I found myself in a lousy part-time job, and drinking all the time when I wasn't working, because I was bored and lonely and miserable. I didn't know what to do. It kept getting worse, and the illness crept up so often that over the course of the year, our relationship suffered terribly, and she finally had to decide to let me go. So one day, in the middle of July, after I spent a month begging her not to go, she packed her car up with her stuff and left. I was alone in this crappy place with all our memories and a small cat. I was devastated, and sick, and I finally started looking for help with my issues with drinking. At first, I did it hoping she would come back, but then, I was able to shift my focus again.
After that, I moved to a nicer part of the city, and made a lot of friends. I felt like I was doing pretty well, and the anxiety seemed to quiet down a little as time went on. But then I found myself in a situation where I would end up in one situation after another, with roommates who were bullies, and intimidating, and all of them eventually acted out toward me violently enough to scare me into moving again. During the time that I lived with one of these roommates back in 2010, my ex grilfriend was diagnosed with brain cancer the day after I was able to start dating a new woman. That, in addition to my roommates belligerent behavior, brought me to the breaking point. I would spend days in bed shaking, unable to move, unable to do anything but vomit. I can remember time after time, going through it and coming back out of it, and going through it again for days. It got so bad at one point, that I had myself admitted to a psych ward for fear that I would harm myself. I finally left that place, and moved in with a female friend who also had cats.
But quickly after moving in with this friend, one of her cats started trying to hurt mine, so I had to keep her locked in my room with me, which wasn't pleasant for either of us, since I was having these horrible panick attacks often, and they would be triggered by her nightly roamings around and such. I continued going through the same horrible cycle. For days I would only leave my room to use my bathroom or quickly make something to eat when she wasn't home. Work was coming, but it was not steady. Everything was always a battle. How I'd get to my job, when I'd be able to pay my bills, how much I could do...
And then I met my most recent girlfriend, and landed a great job all at once last December. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. We hit it off right away, and she was the sweetest woman I'd ever met. But, there was a catch. She was from a foreign country, and her visa made it so she had to leave the US every 6 months for at least a month. All was going so wonderfully the first few months. We were having the best time. And then it came time for her to go home, and by this time my roommate and I were having difficulties, and I had told her that I would be moving out in 3 months. SHe did not react to this well, and the household became much more strained. I started spending more and more time at my girlfriend's place, and would bring my cat to play with her cat, since they got along so nicely. But then she had to go back to her country, and suddenly I was alone with my cat, in that apartment again. With a roommate who was becoming increasingly unkind, and getting verbally aggressive. Not to mention the cat going after my cat every chance it got. So right near the beginning of my girlfriend's trip home, my roommate became angry with me one day and stormed into my room, which to me is my sacred space of safety. She became violent, and started pushing me, and continued to follow me when I left the room myself. She then threw me headfirst into the front door of the apartment, knocking me out.
From that point on, my relaitonship with my girlfriend became strained, as I fought to deal with my circumstances for the next month until she came back. I had nowhere to go, and a lot of stuff and a cat. The attacks continued to worsen. My girlfriend came back and rescued me and my cat, and we stayed with her for the next 5 months. (Until 2 weeks ago) But the entire time I lived there, we both suffered. It seemed like almost every day I was waking up having to go throw up. I would lay in bed, often starting at 6 or 7 am, sweating and shaking, having full on panic attacks and severe pain and nausea. She would do her best to try and comfort me, to walk me through it, but I would get into these frenzies where I wasn't consolable. It didn't help when work nearly came to a standstill this summer. Then I just became a shell of myself, sitting on the couch watching television obsessively and doing nothing for my life or my career. I do not go see friends, and I often wasn't up for anything she wanted to do spur of the moment. I was in a lot of ways a great boyfriend. I was very fun and loving whenever my girlfriend was around (except for those early mornings and often being startled easily when she drove us places) but whenever she was gone to work, I was unable to handle it. I would sometimes drink so that I could pass out until she got home and not have to sit by myself. I would think about her all day long, talk to her as much as I could, and just generally cling as hard as I could. During the time I lived with her, another close friend of mine died from Cancer, and another from AIDS. But were very important people in my life. Then my father's heart condition became so bad, that he is now on oxygen, and often in and out of the hospital. That, coupled with a very large feuding family, continued to add stress to us both.
Her mother also wants her to go back to her country. She doesn't support her being here to chase her dreams, so during this time, in addition to the stress I was causing her with my life, she was stressing out about her mother and her life. This has been her own power struggle for quite some time, and it resulted in her mother demanding that I move out of the house within a very short period of time. So now, here I am. In the middle of the worst bout I've had with this. I have completely cut myself off from alcohol, and I know that some of this is my body readjusting, but I just feel so sick and horrible all day long, and I'm sad and lonely and miserable. I feel like I lost my best friend, and the love of my life all at once. I know we will stay in touch, but this time she will be gone for 3 months, and although she comes back in January, she said she might just come back to sell her house and stay back home for good, or move somewhere else. She desperately wants me to "help myself" or whatever else you can say to someone who is going through this. She said that I made her too sad, that I am a wonderful person but she can't watch me go through this anymore. I need to find some answers, or I will spend the rest of my life shaking in a corner somewhere, hiding from the world, and eventually dying isolated and alone. I can't keep going on like this. Something has got to give, or I sometimes feel like I will give up. And saying that won't bring her back, it will push her further away. The only thing I want right now, is the only thing that won't stay. And I just wish there was some kind of thing I could do to heal this, so that I could be NOT alone. We had a whole life planned together, and my disease destroyed it, at least for now. She said that over the next few months, we both need to work on ourselves, and wouldn't know what the future holds. She hasn't decided what she is going to do at all yet. But she is thinking it unlikely she will stay here, at least in this city, after this. I'm so beyond sad, that there are times that I feel like I've dehydrated myself just from crying. And I'm pushing on with my job, making myself get up earlier than I need to every day, so I'm not puking on the train or at work, but it's horrible. I just need to find a way through this.