In advance, I am sorry. This post isn't very targeted, not in a way of asking for advice or anything. I feel like I just need a good rant, or something. Anything to help give some perspective.
Realizing this is true for a lot of people with anxiety, this current issue might have more to do with depression. But it is so tightly mixed together it is hard for me to tell anymore. My father is a kidney transplant and has been a diabetic from age 12. He is really on borrowed time. All morning he has been sick and this has sent me into a total panic.
I am trying to go through steps and exercises, and all the things to control it, but I am feeling so exhausted. When I went online I saw a picture that said "Wake up every morning with the thought something wonderful is going to happen" and it made me want to scream. Why can't I do that? What I wouldn't give to have a normal nervous system and be able to feel confident, relaxed, and prepared for the wonderful, instead of bracing for disaster. It is so defeating to realize that I can live a productive life, but never a normal one. I am terrified, tired, sad, and beyond the simple "breathe through it" exercises. I want my father to live long enough to see my fiancee and I marry. I want to live a life without medication. I want to just be able to live a little. But I feel like whenever I get my momentum going something pulls me back.
Arg, like I said... I am sorry. I don't know what the point of this is or what I am trying to express. I am not usually this jumbled in my emotions or expressions. Usually I am a very logical and compartmentalized fort of guy... just not today.