Memorial day and social anxiety

Does anyone here have social anxiety issues?

As with most holidays, my family is starting to call and announce that they've decided to come visit. Now, I LOVE when my family is here. They make me feel beautiful, loved and safe. This weekend, especially, I look forward to seeing them.

However, hubby has very serious social anxiety and my family is very, very big. When everyone is in town and there are cookouts right and left, parties here and there, and morning coffee groups of 15 or 20, it's just more than he can handle sometimes.

Usually, we're selective about what we're each going to participate in. I'll go to a little less than half of the gatherings (I don't want to abandon him in favor of my family). He'll go to about half of those with me. He ends up using all of his allowed break-through anxiety medication and is still worn out. But, he really does love my family, too. It always ends up that once everyone is gone he starts saying, "I wish I could have seen so and so..."

My family knows and understands to an extent. In fact, one of my aunts has been at the ER with us while he was hooked to an EKG following a panic attack. No one ever asks to stay at our house, even though we have several empty bedrooms. It's not that I've told them they can't, but even if they don't really know what's going on, they all know he's "shy."

I was just wondering if any of you have any insight on how to better handle holidays and family gatherings? I'm always so torn as to what to do. Obviously, if we plan to do something and he isn't up to it, I don't pressure him to go. When we do go, I try to make sure we're early, so he can greet people as they arrive rather than being thrown into a big crowd that's already gathered. While we're there, I watch for signs he's distressed and pull him away from the group for a few minutes if he looks panicked. (Hey, honey, let me show you my uncle's new tractor out at the barn...)

But, I just hate that he misses out on so much and that he's so exhausted by the end of the weekend. By this time tomorrow, he'll probably have taken 6 doses of buspar.

He has not been in any formal therapy. We live in an excessively rural area (we don't have telephone or cable lines here, haha) - the nearest place he could get therapy is approximately 1 1/2 hours away and he just hasn't yet gotten to a place where he can handle the 3 hrs on the road plus the therapy. He does work to improve his coping skills the best he can, though. He's so much improved over the years. As a teen, he never attended any of his own social functions - never a prom, never a sporting event. On my third birthday after we got married, he took me to dinner and a movie. It was our first "public" date and his first time EVER eating at a restaurant. I'm a very outgoing person, so that was the best gift he could've ever given me. :)

Thanks for your encouragement! Guilt is kind of the main theme of my life sometimes.

Larry,

He was not in the military. He's has social anxiety since he was a very young child. Our dads are friends, we used to cook out at their house when I was very young and I didn't even know he existed until I was 19. (I always wondered why they had such cool toys and no kid. haha)

My most favorite uncle ever is retired from the military. :) He doesn't come to family gatherings anymore, either. He used to love them. I wondered if it had to do with his time in Afghanistan. I go to see him when there isn't anything else going on. We share a common love of reading, so it's like a two person book club.

I try to make sure he doesn't beat himself up. He's so much awesome, a visit or two a year should last anyone (except me! haha). :)

Kitt ~

It really does sound like we're married to brothers! haha

My hubs has his routine in the afternoons and doesn't like drop in guests, either. Truthfully, he even gets a bit agitated if someone calls him during that times.

My friends comment on his absence from social stuff, too. I understand how hurtful that is. It's hard not to smart off in return, but I usually try to laugh it off, too. The thing that bothers me most is that some people seem to think he's abusive? I don't get that. But they'll say, "Oh, you're not coming? I guess your husband won't let you?" That's not the case, he wouldn't tell me not to go somewhere, but I'm not going to leave him at home all weekend long, either.

I really do feel bad when there's something he'd enjoy if it were a smaller crowd. For example, a group of the guys is going fishing. It's more people than he can handle, but I'd be willing to bet that next week he'll be saying, "I wish I had gone to the river..."

Also, it's hard to pick when I go or stay home. I don't want to lose touch with my family, but don't want to alienate him, either. Ya know?

BeRock I bet your Uncle will one day talk to you about stuff he wont share with others, my Uncle did, he was a combat medic in Europe went through hell, I was the only one he told everything to, I was and am Honored by His Trust. Some people don't know how to allow us who are different to have our space, we never hurt anyone we just feel better with our own family I had two personalities, (when I use to drink) one never met a stranger, the other was a hermit. At one time in the military I got to where I would not make new friends I didn't want to suffer the pain of losing someone, same with Women I went 8 years without a GF. Met my Wife the first month after I got out. I will ask all you Women, if you see a person in uniform this weekend just give them a hug, "say welcome Home"!
Larry ***