Hello,
Hope you all are having a good weekend.
Hope I can make this short and sweet. My typing is dreadful.
And I lost a long post again by mistakenly hitting a wrong key last night.
The point of my posts is to air things out, and maybe by doing so, coming to new realizations about myself. Journaling it here makes it something tangible. And if what I express helps anyone else, that is great.Your feedback has been appreciated and helpful.
Here is what this posts about.
Ironically, after my last post in which I told how much better physically
and mentally I have been feeling, I got sick, cought a bad cold, feel run down. The flip side of feeling better physically helping your mental attitude, being positive, and anxiety level is the same is true conversely,
if you feel like crap( for lack of a better term)- your mental attitude is
effected negatively. In short, I still have the resolve to make my life
better, but am not as optimistic as previously.
And although I would not be as down about things, being realistic, looking at things objectively I have much to be concerned about.
Scaredy Cat, my friend, over the past months as you know I have been working part time. Although the job was a just a stopgap, the money
I received, a fraction of my previous earnings, gave my family with the
other money we bring in each month , just enough to get by . Actually
we are still paying our mortgage and bills late, and we have defaulted
on some credit card and owe the government back taxes from last year.
Well that job, which I was lucky enough to have through a friend, I found out will be ending soon.The guy I work for has decided that he
is leaving his business, which is in the finance area.
Although I knew had no future in this, it still gave my life balance,
reaffirmed my confidence in my abilities, gave me a place to go, set a good example for my kids, and most importantly gave us money we
badly need. The difference in my attitude was night and day, that was
a big reason for my change in attitude.
Now, I can not imagine, especially with my kids back in school. taking
them to school in the morning, and then having nothing to do!
I have applied to enough jobs on the internet- it has been 5 years since
I had that career job ( I worked for a time on straight commission in 2010-2011 before I got ill) before working part time this year.
Anyways, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing that does not work again and again. Well, at this point I know applying over the internet does not work because I almost never get a response!
It is such a competitive job market the gap in my resume makes me not hireable, although I know from my recent experience I'm as competent
as ever, actually more so - because I know the repercussions of not taking my job , career,seriously, and the money and marital, mental
stressors it creates : never again.
So when this ends what will I do? I am already preparing myself, because with my kids back in school I am going to feel even worse because I will be the only one not doing anything.
I have had enough!
I do have one prospect, a former executive I worked for, contacted referred me to a company that she is now with. She knows I'm credible,
but she told me to wait as the company she is with and I would interview with is moving so its a maybe. If I did get it , this is a real
job, like I used to have.
But of course I can not count on that. But the only way I think I will get something is from someone I know at this point.
I do know a friend , I lost touch with, and kind of blew off when he reached out to hang out with me ( a little social anxiety that I do not feel now), who has a high position at a company in a industry I am not familiar with. Because I turned away when he reached out to become reacquainted, I feel disingenuous calling him for a job, but as a last resort I may have to. Home Depot does not pay near enough , I make
a good deal more now.
I want to have my old self back, have the sense of earning a good living, providing for my family.
I have been in such a bad mood while sick that I have been arguing with
my spouse.
As I type this I feel so run down that I feel I am not saying what I want.
Scaredy Cat, I know that my emails got so negative, that I may be wrong but sometimes you may not of known how to respond. It felt
good to say something positive finally last time and your feedback is inspiring, but I am still concerned. Time is moving by, I did get back working on some level, but it is not leading to anything. Now what.
I can not do real estate, straight commission, I need money now.
I know when I feel better my attitude will pick up.
I want to go back to school, although I am middle aged, but I need a real job yeaterday!
As I said previously, I got a false sense of security when I collected unemployment for two jobs, as well as lived off a accident payout.
The result is that time off hurt my ability to get a job, took a toll on my
health, and confidence.
I was lucky to only have a few months go by after my unemployment
benefits ended to get a job through a friend ( got a better one then the
one I told you about, Scaredy Cat, soon after for more money).
Now I'm worried how we will get by without this income.
Scaredy Cat , I can have the best attitude , but if no one will hire me
what will I do?
I wish I could go back 5 years - I had money( not rich, but enough),
time- I would be collecting for a really long time-, ,and opportunity
without the pressure and situation I am in now.
I can not see this going on much longer like this. I need my fortunes
to change. Actually, I just alluded to time wasted and I know I have
expressed that before but thats what I wanted to make next post about.
I think I have realized new insight on why I let things go to put myself in this position. As usual this post turned into a marathon, so I do not have
the energy to get into the above- that I have blown the last 5 years, even longer
So, after last time my expressing hope, I'm on a rollercoaster going
down, worried what will I do now. I will spend the next weeks seeing
what I can do. if somehow I can get something going before they go back to school it would be ideal.
It made me much happier that my kids saw their father get dressed up
and work like old times, and I liked contributing to our income.
One thing I resolve not to do is to stop exercising, which is so valuable
in my strength ,vitality, Besides taking testosterone, working gave my life balance which makes it easier to go to the gym - everything is connected for better or worse.
Scaredy Cat, I believe your email is listed, if not maybe you can give it
to me again.
My life used to be so easy, too easy. Had a job that I basically did what
I wanted, was pretty well paid, a second income on my own terms and
had fun to boot at the same time. I never thought of goals, or the fact that changes were inevitable after a long period as comfortable as I was.
Wrong, If you don't change with the times you lose or are left behind.
That is what happened with me. Ironically, I put more thought and effort into this part time job I have been doing then I did in m previous
job I made 12 times as much for!
Life is more of struggle than I was used to, I had a combination of good luck and a easy, stress free life and work. Maybe its just what I needed with the way I was, my issues with anxiety I did not have a read on at the time. Well now I know myself better, the economy is changed, no more easy jobs that pay well. I may have to fight for anything now,
Any advice?
Post Edited (ghosst8) : 8/25/2013 8:50:09 PM (GMT-6)