Fear of Life and Changes.....

I understand where you coming from just give out of love&u can't go wrong.

JL,

I have known you for quite some time and I want you to know I care about you as a person and as a friend.  When you run away from fear, the fear never truly leaves you.  The fear remains seated inside you as you attempt to avoid whatever it is that makes you fearful.  In fact, running away from this fear actually gives the fear power. All of us here in the forum run from fear as that is what we have in common.

I know your concerns re your niece as I have a 22 year old granddaughter getting engaged this month and she is one of the most important people in my life;  I want only happiness for her. But I must let her make her own decisions and keep my feelings out of her choices.

There's no love without risk, and, worse, there's no love without loss. It's true, one can live without romantic love and avoid the messiness of breakups, the weirdness of in-laws, and the tedium of another person's annoying habits. Without romantic love you can skip those terrible hours when you lie in bed, not alone, which wouldn't be so bad accompanied by chocolate ice cream and the 3 A.M. rerun of Law & Order - but instead you're next to the man or woman you share your life with, a person who, while claiming to love you, has let you down, disappointed you deeply, abandoned you when you were in great need. And, just as bad, you know you've done the same, and will again. If only perfect people loved, the species would have died before we got upright. And for all the pain and discomfort, and occasional boredom and unkindness, it's still a chance worth taking, which is why happily married people talk about the bad times with the perspective and humor of successful gamblers, and unhappily married people curse the cards, the dealers, and the stars.

By being there when your niece needs you is the greatest thing you can do for her. When I broke up with my first husband I had 3 young children and nobody that was supporting me........but I knew I had to leave or live in misery.  Than I met the love of my life after I was divorced and it has been 43 years since we married. 

I also know women and men that have never chosen or found that one right person yet they are happy with their life.  I have watched my oldest son go through 2 very nasty divorces and how I wanted to protect him from the hurt and not being able to be with his children but I was able to always be there for him so believe you are one special Aunt and trust that love will grow for your niece.

I hope this makes sense................

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Thanks everyone...I've been extra nervous today...anxy. I tell you, it seems like EVERYTHING has been piling up on me lately and sometimes I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and be left alone until I'm ready to come out...but that might be NEVER, so like everyone here, I have to tough it out, day by day and sometimes minute by minute. I'm menopausal (sorry about telling that out for any of our guy members here! :P And now I'm trying to not over worry about my niece. I also had my first appointment with my latest nurse-practitioner at the mental health place I go to every 3 months. They can't seem to keep doctors or nurse-practitioners there, but I have to go where they accept medicaid. Every time I get one that I like and can feel comfortable to a degree with, they leave! :(
then early this morning I got my second call from the credit card company that I can't ever pay back...I explained yet again that I'd never be able to pay and me and the girl went around and around (she was trained to tell me that they want to help! HA!) Finally, I ran out of patience and told her quite firmly that I knew that she was just doing her job as she's been trained, but enough was enough, to have a nice day and I hung up! From here on out, when they call, I'll just hang up. There's nothing more to say and there's nothing I can do, as much as I regret it.

At the appointment today, she wanted to know how I was doing...I mentioned my Peeper that died on 9/2 and lost it. She thought I should get counseling to deal with my grief over him, but I said no. I am coping. I am grieving, but I need time to get over it more. I don't cry every day now...mostly when I suddenly think about him or see his grave in the backyard. I told her that I do cry and let it out (she was afraid I was holding it all in). Right now I feel like breaking down and crying, but I won't. I try not to let it go in front of Mom. I noticed that she's been coughing worse lately. She says it's the time of the year it is with all the stuff in the air, but regardless, I can't help but worry and stress b/c she does have COPD.
And on top of all these things, I've suddenly developed dry mouth real bad! It might be my BP drug...would you believe that my regular doctor has me on Tribenzor, a three-in-one drug that isn't usually a first choice for BP! It can be dangerous! I go to doctor next week and will ask him about it. My feet have been getting very cold at night too and I think that something is definitely going on with me.

about me feeling like my life has been a waste, well, when I get really down, I do think that way too much. However, I know in my heart that I've had some positive influences on ones and so I do have reasons for being here afterall. but thanks to you ALL for your kind words and encouragement! I told my NP today that I use this forum (didn't name it) for my "talk therapy". When I speak to y'all, I know that you will more likely understand b/c you have been through similar things, whereas these therapists usually have no true clue...although I suppose they try to.

I'd better shut up for now. Need to go hang out and watch TV with Mom before she wonders what's keeping me!
Love to you all and a special thank you to sweetest Kitt and scaredy cat!

jl