Yay! Finally on a lite note instead of panic

So I've been reading my books. The one I'm reading right now is "Free to Love Free to Heal" Heal your body by healing your emotions, by David Simon, M.D. I sooo recconended this book.

I haven't practiced what he suggests yet. I'm reading it, taking notes and then will get to his lessons. I'm only halfway through this book but it is opening my eyes to things I would have never thought of and has brought to my attention some supressed memories and feelings I had buried in there.

He basically talks about how we feel and perceive things and why. A lot of it boils down to our parents, friends and family. That a lot was implanted in us during pregnancy if it was hard on your mother. It uses different life scenerios that most can relate to in some way.

So reading this it made me think of a lot of my childhood and things that may have affected me but I didn't know it. My parents always fighting verbally and physically. Both parents alcoholics and at a time my mom was also a cocain addict. My dad always quitting jobs my mom struggling to pay bills and get food. Many times we wrote checks from closed accounts just to get groceries. My mom constantly making suicide threats. My dad and his mental disorders and threatening to attack us. Living in a car a few days at a time to hide from my dad. Helping my mom care for my grandma because she couldn't function due to many strokes. My grandfather and the things he put my grandma through. My education wasn't enforced. My friends were drug addicts. My grandfather died and I saw him dead on his porch. My mom forcing me to go to college so I wouldn't have to depend on a man because she was my mother, my father, and my best friend.

And just the things that I continued to go through as I grew up.

So far not barely half way through and I see how all this has affected me. So now I just need to keep reading and hope to get on a path to heal myself.

Thanks. Anxiety or not I'm surprised at how I grew up. Being surrounded by abuse, alcoholics and drug addicts and I turned out pretty normal compared to some with a similar background. I made the decision to finish school. I made the decision not to become an alcoholic and drug addict despite being surrounded by it. Later in life my mom said its because I saw how it destroyed lives. I dunno. I did smoke a little pot as a teen but not habitually. And I did go through a little phase at 21 going to bars and drinking. But that didn't last long either.

Thanks Larry. And I'm sure if I say this it is thought by many if us. You are special too!

Thanks. Despite all that I have done and gone through I don't give myself any credit. I've always felt bad about myself and feel like a complete failure because I dropped out of college. I've attempted to go back many times, completing one class at a time. But I'm hauled right now because I'm having a battle with the college. I took a computer program class called AutoCad in 2002 which I passed. I was a Construction Management- Architecture student so I did a lot if drafting. And since I'm very artistic I was really good at drawing up floor plans and views, but I wasn't good at the computer. Well here it is 2013 and I forgot how to use the program and it's been highly updated. I requested to retake the course to know how to use it so I can get my degree in AutoCad. But since I passed the course I can't retake it. I've been fighting with the school for almost a year. They understand my issue but the people above the admission workers don't see it from my stand point.

I stress a lot. I'm a stay at home mom with a 13, 8 and 3 yr old boys. I homeschool them and I'm struggling to get my oldest prepared for high school next year. So I have a lot of daily demands.

I also have another issue I have buried inside that very few know about. When I was about 6-7 my mom partied a lot and left me with my cousins. One would party all night so she booted me into my cousins room for the night. I fell asleep in his bed and woke up with his hands in my pants. I was terrified and didnt know what to do. He thought I was asleep so I acted like I was changing positions in my sleep keeping my sleeping breath. When I stopped moving his hand went back. I can't remember what made him stop. I started refusing to go to my cousins. My mom didnt know why and I never told her. She would always say things to me like at least you've never been raped or sexually assaulted. I wanted to tell her but she was so close to that family I never said anything. I told her I wanted to stay home with my dad. He was always so drunk and not paying attention but I would rather put up with someone like that then to be terrified. My dad still is a POS, I feel bad for him, but he puts me through hell. I have this memory burned in my brain of something he told me when I was 12 and it just killed me. I would try to talk to my dad but he had no interest in what I had to say. I knew that so eventually I quit trying to talk to him unless it was something I really wanted to tell him. Well my cousin and his girlfriend lived with us at the time. And I came home with something I really wanted to tell him. And as I was talking to him he had that blank look on his face like he wasn't listening to a word I said. He literally cut me off and said "is it sad that I get more excited to talk to Jason and Vanessa when they get home than my own daughter?" And just walked off. I felt like such an idiot. I felt like I didn't belong. Then I started to avoid him but it didn't matter because he didn't care. He's still that way. He puts me through so much. He hurts me so bad. And yet here I am running to him anytime he needs help and I don't understand why.

I am very sorry to read of the trauma in your last post. If you feel that you need to have help in resolving your feelings about this in order to move on with your healing and recovery, I would encourage you to look into that.

I know that you are very busy and it would be a big step to think of taking to someone professional about this, but it may be a priority you want to think about.

Comfort and healing thoughts and prayers.

S.C.

We are with you! Let us know however we can be of support. Keep up the good work, and know that even though it is difficult, you are giving yourself and your family a great gift.

Hugs and encouragment,

S.C.

Your a special Lady Mommie, I was just thinking the other night about that TV show dooms day preppers,
and trying to figure out where to get food and things. "Oh by the way I got dibbs on your burn barrel".
Don't shoot the bear in your trash can its me!!!!!!!!lollolol. Peace

Larry ***

Hey Mommie, one more thing, the group therapy I was in always made us give ourselfs a pat on the back for
even the smallest thing, they said we tended to not get much attention from people and had to do it ourselves it does work, just walk up in front of the mirror and say "you good looking devil don't you ever die"! Peace

Larry ***

Your Home here, we love you. Peace

Larry ***