One step back two steps forward

Yesterday I was all pumped and ready to go to call a psychologist and set up an appointment.  I asked someone for a recommendation and was sure they would e-mail me right back, but they did not and I began to panic.  I then started looking up recommended psychologists in my area and called one, but nobody was there (I called at lunch time so obviously they were out to lunch) but I again began to panic. 

I had been looking up things online to understand my OCD which has really helped me a lot, however yesterday in the midst of all of this, I saw something that really triggered something and I again began to panic and actually had a bit of a panic attack.  It was the first time it had really affected my life and everything.  It's embarrassing to say, but what was bothering me was the voice in my head saying "what if you're gay."  I know I'm not, the thought of those acts disgust me (I do not have anything against gay people), but after reading what I read yesterday something triggered and I started to panic again.  My head just kept saying "if you just 'come out' you'll feel better because that's the problem."  So I basically called my own bluff and said the words "I'm gay" and you know what?  Nothing changed.  It did not change the fact that I am not gay and just don't see men that way.  They were literally meaningless words to me. 

Anyways talking to my mom, I realized that my thoughts throughout this have been about the worst possible scenario for my girlfriend (whom I love very much) and I to break up.  It has covered literally ever scenario from my feelings simply fading, to me cheating on her, to me hurting her, to being gay.  They were all fears of mine.  Then I started to think.  Stay with me here, this is going to get confusing...

My previous relationship, I was with a girl who was terrible to me.  She was mean, she was hurtful, she bossed me around and everything.  Well I did not realize this until the relationship was over.  I said to one of my friends after we broke up "yeah you know she was kind of mean to me" and he said "yeah no kidding, we've been telling you that for a while!"  Thinking back, they did tell me that, but I was blind to it.  I just kept saying "oh that's just how she is, no big deal."  This relationship ended over a year ago and my new one has been going on for about three months.  However it's completely different.  The new girlfriend is unbelievable.  She's caring, kind and considerate, yet I could not stop thinking "what ifs."  "What if you don't actually feel this way" "what if it's different next time you see her" and everything in between.  My mom suggested that becaues of the fact the last relationship was so bad and I was blind to it, perhaps I am just preparing myself.  Every scenario that has happened in my head has been me ending it, not her - something I would have done.  Yet I know my true feelings for her. 

Additionally, I just have this feeling that every time I feel okay, I am "faking" it.  My head tells me that I'm not ACTUALLY happy.  I thought this was new.  However, I look back and saw in my last real bout with anxiety, I was afraid that I was depressed/suicudal.  I wasn't, but I was afraid "what if" I was.  I would be feeling happy and my head would say "this is not how someone who is depressed feels, stop feeling like this" and it took me a while to just shake that "fake" feeling off.  So basically I'm saying is my silver lining is that it's different content, but I know this feeling, thus I know it's anxiety, not reality.

Yesterday, I set some goals for myself.  I decided to (1) control my physical compulsions.  If I can control them, then maybe that will help break the mental routine of worrying. (2) Stop looking stuff up on the internet.  I won't leave this board because you've all been so helpful. (3) Do not worry about past thoughts.  I'll find that sometimes when all else fails in my head (meaning the anxiety has not been bothering me) the last resort is for it to throw in, "well you thought this before, why?"  I can't think like that.  I have to realize that it was the anxiety talking, not me.  I also need to realize that every little thing is not a sign.  (4) and probably the toughest, I have to basically accept the thoughts.  I have been trying to win a boxing match at a chess game.  I cannot beat this by just throwing haymakers.  I need to outsmart it and use it against itself.  I also need to realize this is going to take time, which I have.  I cannot rush it.  I know how I felt before and I know I can feel it again.  I have to believe that I'm not "faking" anything and that when I'm happy, even if it means actually faking it sometimes when the anxious feelings hit.  I mean I will be feeling alright, and my thoughts will say "why are you not worrying, you need to worry now, this was bothering you before why is it not anymore?  Have you just agreed with it all?"  And I honestly think that I have just beaten the dead horse, I'm tired of it and I'm not afraid of it because I know it's not going to happen.  It's like if someone said to me "the world is going to blow up in ten minutes" I wouldn't be scared because I know that is not going to happen.  I have to trust myself in believing that.  Plus, just the fact that I can realize that four weeks ago I felt fine tells me that these are not real problems, issues.  If it was real it wouldn't just pop up like that.

I still am going to get in and talk to a psychologist, but yesterday was a very confusing, yet very monumental day for me I think.  Thanks for reading if you still have been!

KD, I am not going to tell you anything you already don't know but just to reinforce your suspicions.
Thoughts are just that, random thoughts, they really mean nothing about you or what you are really like,
the problem is when people begin to think that the thoughts are who they really are, don't be afraid of them
they have no power unless you allow it. I am a 71 year old man and I can't give much girl / boy advice other than try and marry your best friend, thats what I did 47 years ago, emotions are fine and sex it always a problem for a man but believe me you can and hopefully will find a woman who is all things to you, but mostly your Friend. Peace

Larry ***

Thanks for all the positive support! I did pretty well with my goals yesterday considering it was the first day that I tried them. I guess I spiked a little bit in the late afternoon, but I tried writing down my fears and then throwing the sheets away and that actually seemed to help.

Most of the day yesterday I feel like I was "cautiously normal" meaning I was feeling good, but I did not want to let myself feel too good out of fear that the anxieties would come back. I could feel myself have really positive, normal thoughts about the girlfriend or anything really and they lasted longer than usual, but I feel like I stopped them becaue I was afraid if I kept going with them, the anxieties would come back. It's crazy it's like I'm learning how to think again!

I don't mean to keep posting, but until I get in with a therapist this is pretty therapeutic for me. Yesterday afternoon, the intrusive thoughts came in pretty hard again and I knew that I had to just let them run their course so I laid down and closed my eyes and basically said "okay bring it." It was really really hard and I ended up getting really upset. I was home alone and knew I could call someone to talk to, but it's just crazy because my logical mind kept saying "these are not real issues! Just let them go!" So I tried to just do it myself, which I kind of did.

Additionally, for a lot of the day yesterday, the actual thoughts were not bothering me, but it was the thought of "when will they come back" that really bothered me so I felt the butterflies and nervous for a good portion of the day.

As the night went on, the thoughts were coming and going and they were not really bothering me as much, yet at times the fact that they were not bothering me concerned me. I went to my room and wrote down the words "I know they're fake." on a sheet of paper, because I do know they are fake. I even caught myself thinking "naturally" a few times, but stopped myself out of fear of the intrusive thoughts coming back.

Honestly, to this point today, the voice is quieter (I don't want to jinx it) and as Kitt told me, when the intrusive thoughts came in or brought up things from the past I used that idea against it to say "well no that did not happen, but THIS did." I almost feel like my mind is trying to lie to me by making up things or exaggerating things or telling me things that I want that I know I actually do not want.

I've been finding myself today and the last couple of days saying things I'd normally say, thinking things I'd normally think and doing things I'd normally do which is great, but the stupid little voice in my head tells me that I'm "overcompensating" or being "fake" which logically I know I am not, it just bothers me that I would think that to begin with. Four weeks ago I did not feel like this and for the past 23 years I didn't feel like this (about these issues at least) so why do I keep thinking that?

It's really really really hard letting those thoughts just run course in my head, and it's almost even harder admitting that "yeah these just aren't bothering me as much as they were" but that's a good thing, right? I also keep having these what I've been calling "oh yeah" thoughts. I'll be feeling good and normal and seriously almost forgetting about the struggles I've went through the past few weeks and then my head will say "OH YEAH, worry about this." Other times they do just pop out of nowhere and those freak me out too.

I'm looking to hear back from a therapist today so hopefully soon I can get in and talk to them. I'm a big Red Sox fan so lately what I've been doing is every time I start to feel a little anxious I put Shane Victorino's walk out song in my head and just say "Every little thing is gonna be alright!" I know it will, it's just frustrating and painful at times. Gotta keep the faith!

Here's the daily check in for me. Good news is that I have finally scheduled an appointment for next Wendesday and I'm very excited and a little nervous.

Yesterday was good. I'm wondering if somebody can tell me that this is okay and normal: I feel like for the past few weeks it's been about 75%-80% even sometimes 90% of the day I've been feeling bad and I've been constantly saying to myself "dude this isn't you, this isn't how you actually feel." Over the past few days that number has definitely dwindled to maybe 60/40, 50/50 and maybe even less than that which is great, but I also found myself at times saying "this isn't how you actually feel....wait, yes it is?" I was almost confused with this.

Additionally yesterday there were a few moments where I actually felt completely fine and realized this and panicked because of two reasons. One was "when is this going to come back" and two was that I almost felt like I did not have any control. So at one point last night, I put a worry back in my head so I could have something to control. It's like I'm not used to not having these thoughts in my head. I've never been on drugs, but I swear this has got to be how someone feels when they're trying to get off the stuff.

I've noticed too that throughout I've had weird, odd and at times disturbing impulses. I've heard this is normal for OCD and a few of them really upset me, but at the same time some of them I can almost laugh at. I've just been trying to think to myself when these impulses hit "would I be thinking this if I wasn't going through all this stuff? Have I ever thought this before?"

Don't get me wrong, I had some rough patches yesterday and I still feel like my head lies to me and twists things around on me (which just sucks), but I kind of am starting to gain trust in my head again, but I'm still very wary.