Nice Weekend Followed by Anxiety

When I arrived I put on a smile when I walked in to her apartment for her roommates, but really I was just relieved to see her.  She knew something was up so we talked and I said that I just did not want to talk about this all weekend.  I really wanted to enjoy myself.  As the weekend progressed, we talked about it a few times, but it did not consume the weekend which was great.

She's a senior in college and I'm 23, out of college with a job and everything so one thing that has kind of made me anxious is going out in the whole college scene thing.  I guess I just kind of feel weird going out with 21 year olds that I don't know that well.  I know it's two years, but it makes me a little uncomfortable.  I'm kind of ready for the next step, but I will absolutely wait for her.  However, she understands this and suggested we just stay in Friday, which we did.  The next night we actually went and cat sat for my sister (who lives about a half hour from where she goes to college).  It was just awesome.  We both had a great time.  It was like we were adults and everything. 

Sunday morning I woke up and was holding her and my first thought was "I can't wait for this" and then it was "I have to go back today and I might not see her for two weeks."  When she woke up we talked for a little bit about things and about how hard things are, but how it is worth it.

I started to realize a lot of things.  I mean I fell for her so fast and so hard and I've wanted to be with her for so long that there were times where I would simply go to the bathroom and come out and see her on the couch and think to myself "I can't believe I have her."  All these feelings really scared me.  I realized I want to be perfect for her in every way.  I want to let her have her college life, but be there for her and not be all needy and stuff and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be like that.  In my previous relationships, my girlfriends told me that I let them down a lot, even though realistically I did not, but I guess I had always believed that. 

I noticed that I began to get really anxious and almost intentionally make myself uncomfortable when I began to feel like I was finally beginning to feel comfortable around her.  Additionally I almost felt like I was trying to downplay the relationship in my head.  Like I caught myself saying a few times "what's the difference between this and how you feel about (one of my friends)?"  I don't know what the difference is, but it's just different. 

A few times it bothered me, but then I realized at one point "this is not what you want to feel, nor is it what you actually feel, just ignore it."  So I did and I let myself feel the way I do around her.  The buzz was still going on in my head, but it did not bother me because I was with her.  I told her this before I left and I also told her that I'm ready to commit and let myself commit.  Obviously it's not that easy, but I know what I want and I started to kind of figure out how to cope and make the anxiety quieter in my head.

The ride home went a lot better than the ride up, but I started to get anxious about "did you really feel that way?  were you lying to her?  why did you lie to her?  THIS is how you actually feel."  I know that THOSE are all lies and I again just really tried to ignore them and downplay them, but it gets hard to do that all the time.

So that's where I'm at right now.  The unknown of the relationship, the possible doubts, the possibility of letting her down, the idea of not seeing her for weeks at a time, the constant pressure on myself to be perfect around her and not mess up are all things that make me upset and I just do not want to think about them because I have no control over those things.  So what did I do?  I began worrying about things that I have control over.  I even caught myself starting to think about how I can cope with the distance better, but my head just switched to the number of unrelated anxieties I've been having. 

I feel like the walls are starting to crumble down and I'm seeing the real issues that get me upset and that everything stems from.  Now it's just a matter of letting myself believe it.  While those awful intrusive thoughts still stop by, I think to myself "would you be feeling like this if you weren't going through hell right now?  Have you ever thought like this before?"  The answer is no (then my mind tries to lie to me and tell me I have, but I basically tell it to F off) and for a short time it doesn make me feel better.  Wicked pumped for my first session with a therapist Wednesday! 

I have to figure out how to water down my posts.

Yeah it's crazy.  Last night it was kind of tough, but I really am trying hard to just let go and be myself - the "myself" that fell for her and at one point felt completely enamored by her.  I've seen glimpses of that "myself" so I know it's there and honestly have felt it start to come back from time to time, but I don't know I guess I get vunerable and protect myself by bringing in these anxieties. 

I don't know if anyone has ever felt this, but I really feel like I intentionally bring in the bad thoughts just so I can reject them.  It makes me feel better, but sometimes it backfires and then I start become consumed by them.  I have started though taking a step back and rationally talking to myself asking questions like "why did I get anxious there?  Is that how I really feel? What's the worst that can happen?  Is this true?  What evidence show that it is true/false?"  I'm just trying to be a lot more calm, rational and not get worked up.  Everyone says this and I knew this too, but you cannot try to logically break them down.  You have to be calm and let them run their course.  Do they bother me?  Hell yeah, but I can't show my hand.  I'm remembering that they are just thoughts.  I try to give no reaction to them and show that they are not affecting me.

The one thing that always seems to drive me back into a little bit of anxiety is I find that one piece of grey doubt, or my head tells me that I do or do not feel a certain way even though I don't (or do).  That's the piece of anxiety that I have not really figured out how to manipulate yet.  I have made a lot of the other things a lot quieter in my head and I ignore them so they don't bother me quite as much, but that feeling of my head telling me "what if you thought this way" and then almost making me think that way is what I can't figure out and (at least for right now) the most frustrating thing for me.

It is hard to let go of the obsessions and rituals, because after all, they were there in the first place to bring about a sense of comfort and control...but the freedom you will gain from letting them go is ultimately superior.

You are doing the work for recovery...you can expect great things to come!

Keep up the good work,

S.C.