My life is falling apart and I can't control it

I know I'm always having some crisis but it seems never ending and I don't know how to stop it. My life is falling apart and I just don't know what to do. I've been through so much in these past few years and it has affected me so negatively.

1. My relationship was very questionable and I was considering leaving. Me and my mom were gonna get a place together. 2. My mom suddenly passed away. 3. My husband proposed a month after my mom died. 3. I became pregnant. 4. I lost health insurance so we had my friend sign a marriage license to get me on his insurance. 5. I was no longer allowed in my family home. 6. My grandma kept saying stuff about my mom that didn't need to be said. 7. My dad started using drugs. 8. My dad was stealing from me. 9. My husband said my dad was no longer allowed in my house. But after a few months I quit listening.

Somewhere along that line I lost myself. My anxiety became worse, I started to withdraw, ever since I go day to day like a robot. I get through my day just to get to the next. I started to get pain and for months I got no answers except I had arthritis in my neck but was told it shouldn't cause me any pain. In and out if the doctors they finally said I had fybromyalgia I guess to shut me up. I was seeing a couselor that was no help. I was diagnosed major depression, GAD, social phobia and OCD. My intestinal issues were getting worse. I started to go to the gym everyday and started to feel a little better. But I started to get obstructions from being constipated all the time. I quit going to the gym. I lost my sex drive. My relationship was on the edge again. I repeatedly keep getting told I need to figure things out or I pretty much need to leave.

My husband sent me to that resort to figure out our relationship. It was the last thing on my mind. So when I came home with no answers he was disappointed. I've been filling my evenings trying to read these self help books. There's a lot of exercises I need to do to try and heal my heart which I haven't started yet because I don't have the time or I don't have peace to do it. So here we are again. My husband is acting weird around me again. I've been unwell lately and have been in bed most of the week. I got really constipated for 2 weeks. I took a lot of stuff to clean my system out but it's made me feel horrible. My arm and hand pain came back. So I went to the doctor yesterday who said its the inflammation from my arthritis and I have carpal tunnel in both hands. I lost all feeling in my left thumb.

So between all the physical things I go through. Top off with all the mental issues I go through. Here I am. I feel empty, alone, and completely shut off. I broke down to my husband the other night. I told him between losing my mom, not being able to visit my dad at his house. All my sense if security is gone. I always had my mom and dads house to go to when I felt bad. I don't have my moms room to mourn her in or talk to her. All my things that were important to me I left in their house. But since he's had so many people moving in and out of the house all my things are gone.

I just don't know what to do right now. I have a feeling my husband is gonna ask me to move out again. Which just adds to my pain. Having the only one thing stable in my life to be constantly threatened. I wish he could understand what I'm going through. It seems like he thinks if I open up once and he listens without pointing blame that I should snap and be my old self again. I wish he understood I can't fix us if I'm not fixed. I can't be happy in this relationship if my security keeps getting threatened. I can't be happy if I keep getting shut out because I'm having hard times. I can't make him happy if I'm not happy. And I can't stop all this.

Thanks. I wish I had an answer. I wish I had a solution. Seems like when I try to take a step forward I get judged like my attempts are wrong. So it makes me feel like I'm running in place or backwards.

BKM,

Is marriage counseling a possibility at all? I would say that if you are working on getting well...doing the self-help things that will bring you to a place of healing, then he could make the move to try and understand what you are going through.

I do wish you the best. Talk it over with him and see if you guys could go and talk with someone who could mediate for you, and enlighten him as to what you are going through...from a professional's standpoint and knowledge.

Hugs,

S.C.

Good God Mommie I have heard of men doing women this way (your Mother) but never really knew anyone
who did, I truly do not understand, all I do know is payback's are hell.
You are going to have to suck it up and stand your ground, you need a little time to get your feet under you and your husband should be willing to do this, I Pray it's not too late for the Marriage, but it's never too late for Friendship and He should be willing to help his child's Mother get well. "what part of the world are you in"?

I want you to know I am not talking down to you when I said suck it up, but you need to stop letting the
world use You for a door mat, do your best, be kind, defeat all negative behavior by being just the opposite, I am going to bet that Hubby will get interested in you and the relationship when you stand up and fight for your health and sanity. Girl just know you are in many HW Prayers, Peace
Larry ***

I hope and pray that things become better for you. Your fears seem to stem from loosing your mother, which you have not been able to deal with knowing all that jas happen. I think you need a porfessional to go and speak to about the loss of your mother and every thing else that has been going on. I know that keeping a journal thay you can re read has been useful for me also. I am very sorry that this is happening to you. I do know that you will be better soon and the light in your "tunnel" is closer than you think.

Mommie, my Wifes Daddy died 6 weeks after we married, that was 47 years ago, every anniversary of His
death, birthdays, my Wife will have a bad day, crying and laying in bed but I give Her those days because I
wish I could feel that deep about someone else and care that much. I also buy flowers for Her Mothers grave and make little Christmas thing for Her grave, yes every year. See I Loved them too and I do miss them. I do these things because it's important to my Wife and it always lifts her mood, other than the funeral have you or your husband visited the site? It might help if you took him with you and let him listen while you explain your pain to your Mother and ask for Her help, tell Her how you hurt and miss her but you need Her help getting your life back on track. If my suggestions are too silly please forgive me, I'm just trying to help!
Larry ***

Only gone from the dimension we are in, those of us who Believe feel our Loved one's and it's not some scary
movie type of feeling it's Love! I had my Mother cremated also, had to wait to go back to Missouri where She
was born. It's a long story Her Mother and a friend were walking home from the movies and got picked up by
a car load of boys they went to school with, long story short they were raped and dumped in the river bottom
as a result my Mother was born, when she was 5 Her Mother died with TB and was buried in the paupers area
of the cemetery, I promised my Mother I would find Her Mothers grave and bury Her with Her Mother, I did
it seemed like the finishing of a complete circle. Just this go to the place of the aching Heart and let it all go,
there is already a time and place set aside for us to all be together again. Mommie you may use my email any
time you wish and I will fill in the rest of the story! Peace, Larry ***