I haven't been on this in a few days so I wanted to throw a little update out there for anyone interested.
Since last Wednesday which was my first session with a therapist, I have actually felt a lot better than I thought I was going to. It has been a lot easier to downplay my anxieties than it was before. They don't bother me quite as much and most importantly they are hitting me for shorter amounts of time and much less frequently. I do however feel on edge a lot, as I think "okay when's it going to come back" but have found myself feeling natural again.
I visited my sister this past weekend and my girlfriend actually came up for a night as well which was great. I have really decided to let myself go around her. While the buzz is still in my head, I can really put it aside and make it much quieter. In fact, Saturday was the first day in honestly I don't know how long that I did not talk to somebody about how I was feeling. I have to say it felt great. Sunday, while I felt good, my girlfriend asked how I was doing because I seemed a lot happier (and had even commented on the phone about that earlier that week) so I talked to her about it a little.
I'm really trying to stay positive and it's easier to do it now than it was too. I've found that I will still have intrusive thoughts from time to time and I'm all about the analogies so this is one I came up with: I always feel like when the intrusive thoughts come in, it's literally checking to make sure I still have the same reaction that I believe I should. It's things I would never normally think about, but they pop in to see that I'm still rejecting them, almost to the point where sometimes I don't even get worked up and just kind of say to myself "come on, man. No"
The analogy I came up with is that if I was in a room and somebody was just talking and I was relaxed and then all of the sudden they casually drop "by the way there's a big red button over there and if you press it, everything shuts down and explodes" in conversation. If it had not been brought up I never would have thought about it. I never would have considered it, but now all I can think about is how to prevent myself or someone else from pressing the red button even though I know there is no threat of anyone or anything pressing it. But as long as I'm thinking about how to prevent it and rejecting the idea of pressing it, it won't happen.
That part and that whole idea has been really annoying for me. However, I am working through it. I at least know I reject and get no joy out of the thoughts, I just get comfort from rejecting them, though comfort is not translating to relaxation. I have to stop thinking it's weird to be relaxed and continue to learn how to think again. The checking is a habit now and I know I'm starting to kick the habit a bit. It takes time, but I'll get it.