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I took a step

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 11/12/2013 6:27 AM (GMT 0)
So I stepped out of my norm. It caused me bad anxiety and panic but I did it. Had my sons party at a pizza buffet that has games and rides. I ate from the buffet. It was good at the time but I suffered bad anxiety the next day thinking about it.

Second step. I wrote a letter to my mom. I was heading to the cemetery and had a bad panic attack on the way there and felt sick. I almost went home but I didn't. I sat at her grave and read the letter. Well I tried. I was crying too much and had to pause a few times because I got so upset I was feeling sick. I sat and cried. Today marks 4 years after I found her. She was on life support until the 15th but she wasn't surviving on it. So to me I consider the 11th the day she left. I wasn't well enough to drive home so I stopped in a thrift store to distract my mind till I calmed down.

Still having trouble at the home front. My husband asked me how it went and I told him not well and that it didn't make me feel any better. He wanted to keep talking but I don't want to talk about it. I see my mental health doc on the 14th so I'm gonna see if he can recommend a therapist. I think I need to try it again. I need something. No matter how many self help books I read I'm not getting better. I keep taking more anxiety pills than I'm suppose to just to make it through a day.
Posted 11/12/2013 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
Reading this broke my heart, I lost my Mother much the same way two years ago, and yes it still hurts, I
was an only child and She adored me, I was a little skunk but She Loved me. Like You I was the one who
had to make that last decision for Her. I don't think we have to let go if we don't want to, I still miss my mom I just don't allow it to interfere with the life I have to live and the responsibilities therein. Maybe we will always miss them, so what, Love doesn't come with an off and on switch. Both of our Mothers would not like it if we allowed the pain to interfere with the process of life, but going to read Her a letter and cry, well I'm crying while I write this to You, and I'm a 71 year old man. Peace Love everyone you can.

Larry ***
Posted 11/12/2013 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
bakomom,

You did it, you ventured outside of your comfort zone so be proud of that.  It is OK that you felt anxious - and crying is cathartic.  Losing your Mom so suddenly was a huge loss for you and remember there is no time limit on how long a person should grieve..........

Have you ever tried journaling your feelings just for yourself?  Journals have a bunch of awesome benefits.  You can start a document on your computer and just write in your journal whenever you choose to.  I actually use an online journal and have the program set to email me 3 times a week to remind me to journal.

When I'm feeling upset or anxious, journaling almost always helps. It gives me a space to spill out what I really think, and often seeing it in black and white gives me a sense of perspective!

If you keep a journal regularly over a period of time, you're going to become more aware of your own thoughts and feelings – and perhaps your failings. You'll spot patterns, both positive and negative ones.

Here is a link to a free online diary/journal:

http://www.my-diary.org/

There are lots of other apps so look for one that meets your needs or just make your own document.

Be well,

Kitt

Posted 11/12/2013 8:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks. Yeah I journal. I have many in every place so I will always be close to one when I need it.

I feel like I'm never going to get over her. I try not to let it interfere with my life but sometimes it does. She was my best friend too. She was the only person who understood me and the only person I was able to turn to. So her passing had a really bad effect on me. It seems to get worse every year. I think the first 2 I spent in denial. Because there is a lot of time I can't remember. It's all a complete fog.

I think she knew she was gonna die. Before she passed she kept reaching out for God. She kept telling me she was gonna move out in November and after my sons birthday. Well that was true. Because my sons birthday is November 10th and I found her unresponsive on the 11th. I live in a constant what if? I know that's bad and serves me no purpose because I can't do anything about it. But it plagues me. I felt like I didn't have enough time with her. I was 27 and she was 51.
Posted 11/12/2013 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
There is never enough time, I believe...with our loved ones. Even if they lived to be twice that age.:( I am sorry for your loss, and I keep you in my prayers during this tough time of rememberance.

I think that you are at a place where you are taking some good steps forward though...and I am so happy and proud to hear that you are going to try therapy again.:)

I know that you are on a path to wellness. I am always and continue to be so impressed with all that you have already overcome...and I know that you are going to go even farther in your recovery.

Great job on doing the birthday party! That took a lot of courage, but you did it, and your son had a great day I am sure.

Keep up the good work...and allow us to support you along the way...we are cheering you on always!

S.C.
Posted 11/12/2013 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks. I hope a therapist will help. I hope they can guide me through so I know what steps to take. The last book I read "Free to Love, Free to Heal" was a wonderful book and had a lot of exercises to do in order to heal yourself. It started of with various breathing techniques, then asking questions and sort of meditating on them, what memories raised is what you need to journal down. You're suppose to keep getting memories. When you have enough you're suppose to go to your computer and write your story. The purpose is that somehow what we go through now correlates to something that happened as a child. When you're done with your story you are suppose to read it to someone. But your suppose to tell this person to not allow an opinion or try to fix it. It's just a form to release what you're going through. It was a beautiful book. I wish I had a quiet time in my house to do any of it. I can sit on the couch and the kids have nothing to say to me but as soon as I leave a room I hear MOM!!!! Or knocking on the door like when I go to the bathroom we suddenly need a family meeting.
Posted 11/13/2013 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like a great book! I found that a combination of self-help and therapy really helped me. The self-help principals are often the same as what you are going to get from a therapist...but there is just something about hearing it from a person, and getting those face to face affirmations that really helps!

Keep striving to seek your time and personal space/peace, even amongst the chaos of life as a mom.;p

S.C.
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