I realized over the weekend that a huge issue for me is confidence. Don't get me wrong, I've been feeling a lot better, but here's what happened. My girlfriend came home for the weekend. We had a great time and I went to a nice dinner with her parents. The previous night she came to my house and we drank a little so she asked her mom if it was okay if she stayed over and her mom agreed (better than drinking and driving). So the next night (the night we went to dinner) we went back to her house after dinner and played cards and then my friends were at my house drinking again. Neither one of us really wanted to drink, but they asked me to pick up some beer so I thought well why not and as we were leaving her mom said "Make sure you sleep here tonight please."
I have always gotten along with her parents and I do think they like me, but I started to question whether or not her mom trusts me. Realistically I know that it's okay and that my girlfriend is their 21 year old child. Of course they are going to be concerned, of course they are going to be worried. Even if they thought I was the most trustworthy guy on the planet, they arent going to be 100% comfortable having their daughter sleep at her boyfriends' house. Not yet at least.
But for whatever reason, that triggered a lot of thoughts and anxieties for me. I mean I worked through it and I've been using my strategies so it was not that bad. At this point it's frustrating anytime I have a mini-setback. I'm co-existing and it's fading so anytime it gets relatively loud in my head, I do get frustrated. BUT here's the difference. Whereas before the frustration has gotten to me, now I can take that step back and refocus which has been huge.
The thing I hate the most is how this is making me doubt things that I would have never doubted before. For example, the other night the thing with her mom, if I was not going through this I honestly probably would have smiled and said "of course" and then made a joke to my girlfriend as we walked to the car. It makes me doubt that I really did have a good time with her or even just felt good in general with or without her. I know it's the OCD and I know that doubting is part of it, but why does it have to doubt every little thing and why can't it just let me be!? I've tried to set the goal to have the mindset to not ask for reassurance for things and check things anymore. I've checked so many times, mentally put myself in situations and whatever else that I really think I just need to stop, but my confidence is still low. It's that constant buzz, that I think I've done all I can do to put down.
The therapist thinks it has to do a lot with my previous relationships because I was mentally broken down by them (especially my last girlfriend). The former girlfriend told me I was always doing the wrong thing, it was always my fault and everything. I came up with a new slogan for myself, it's just "Faith and Confidence" and I'm trying to step back everytime I doubt and just say that to myself. I've come a long ways. I'm getting there.