Backdoor Spiking

Since my doctor's appointment I've felt better.  Much better.  Also Sunday night I just decided it was time - and this time really time to put in the mental work.  I have just seemed to really be motivated and determined for a few days and then sort of get tired and fall back into my habits.  This time I am really determined.  I know I have it pinned down and it's just spitting in my face, trying to get me upset.  It's time that I "finish him" Karate Kid style.

I have pretty horrible intrusive thoughts so I've been working on somehow quieting them.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been really working on practicing mindfulness.  I think the first day I did it I was really happy with the progress I saw just from doing it one day.  The next day though I wasn't "all better" and got a little upset, but realized that just because I did well with it once does not mean it was fixed, or even be that much easier to do the next day. 

Alright so I've realized it's a process.  Good.  Now here's where I'm hitting a wall.  The intrusive thoughts are not getting me upset anymore.  They come in and they go.  At first it was fine, I knew that's what I was supposed to be doing, I wasn't accepting the thoughts themselves, I was accepting that they were thoughts and nothing more. 

Now however, my mind is telling me that I'm agreeing and accepting the actual thoughts.  I know that I am not, but it's scary.  When it says that, I feel like it's easier to get that anxious feeling and do my mental compulsion than go back to mindfulness.  I've heard a lot about "backdoor spikes" and from what I've heard and read, this sounds like it exactly.  I start to fear "oh no this isn't bothering you anymore, this must mean you like these thoughts, you enjoy them and you are going to act upon them."

My question is this; now that I've identified THESE thoughts as nothing more than unpleasant thoughts, how do I combat these particular ones?  The anxiety I feel when they hit is nowhere near as intense as it was before when I was in the thick of things, but I still get that feeling.  Should I just take a few deep breaths and try go back to my mindfulness state?  This is the first week in about a month that I am not seeing my therapist so I can't ask her (which is okay, I'm trying to be a little more independent).  It is common, I know to have these "backdoor spikes" but I'm just wondering what others may have done to get rid of them and fight them off.  Am I doing the right thing by trying to use mindfulness again? 

Thanks

You are doing great...and this is definitely progress.

...but with any process, new territory can confuse us and cause us to question things.

I would encourage you to explore the difference between accepting something and agreeing with it.

Think of some instances in your life where you have had to learn to deal with something, even if you did not believe it was right, because you needed to.

I have to accept certain things that my adult daughter does...but that doesn't not mean that I agree with it! This is called adaptation.

You can adapt and accept the thoughts that are still coming up without agreeing with them. You need not fear that you will act on them, simply because they are present.  As you progress, the thoughts will likely lose their power, and bother you less and less.

Keep working on all of your skills...things are really moving in a good direction for you.;)

S.C.

Skitt, SC and Larry,

Thanks very much for your words of encouragement. First off, I know that I'm making progress and I know I've said it a thousand times, but those thoughts are so annoying. I know that the mental checking and reaction to the checking is a type of compulsion. Weeks ago I worked on controlling my physical compulsions and I saw progress. The mental ones are a lot tougher to control because quite frankly, I can't control them. This is where I have to go back to what Scaredy said to me a while ago. I need to "manage" them.

I've never been a really confrontational person, but I am very competitive and I always hated giving up the "last word." With this, it feels like I have to let my mind have the "last word" and just ignore it. Scaredy, what you said about "acceptance" and "agreeing" is key. I like to think of it as if I'm riding in a car in the back seat and a song I really hate comes on the radio and the people in the front seat won't change it. I just have to endure it.

This is also the longest I have gone without seeing my girlfriend in a while and she is usually a comfort for me - just to see her or know that I'm within a few minutes of her. Between that and turning the corner here, it's been a mentally exhausting couple of weeks. Not necessarily "bad" though, just exhausting. I'm having those normal long distance relationship jitters mixed with the intrusive thoughts so it's tough to get a second of complete peace.

A lot of the intrusive thoughts the things my mind comes up with are just plain nasty and evil. It's like a bully. What combats a bully the best though? Out smarting it and ignoring it.