Possibly pure obsessional ocd or I'm ****ed up

So I'd like to say I have no history of violence in my life

That said about 3 months ago I started having vivid thoughts of hurting people (punching pushing strangling stabbing) I put myself in a hospital ( was released after 5 days) and have been seeking professional help since. It's has gotten better but also worse since. It's easier to ignore and continue life sometimes but it always manages to take a hold of me. But what confuses me is that I actually do like violence. I loved playing videogames and did for years because they were exciting and made you feel all types of emotions, but mostly exciting. I even started fantasizing about violence (not random murder) but fight scenes and shoot outs. But this has started confusing me because does this mean that it's not actually anxiety but my secret desires. Even when I'm falling asleep or dreaming violent scenes naturally come to mind and they don't feel wrong... Until I consciously become aware that I'm having them and start getting anxiety of fear that I'm a ****ed up person. Does anyone know if this is normal and just anxiety or if I may just be a ****ed up person. It's gotten to the point where I don't know how to think, what do people think about during the down time when they are not focusing on something specific, I can't even remember what I thought about before videogames. Someone please help

Nick, I may not always tell you what you want to hear but I will not ever lie to you. What you are dealing
with sounds a lot like PTSD, I had a lot of this when I returned from VN, I lived in a fantasy of violence, and I had every intention of going back to VN, crazy as it sounds it was the only place I felt normal. I could be wrong but when you go through a war the part that bothers you the most is not necessarily what we did, but what we saw, the violence, carnage, destruction, mostly to the civilian population. My analogy is not scientific but the visual overload of watching and playing these games changes one's perspective about violence even thinking about things that would have been disgusting before are now acceptable. The training the military does is to change a normal, nice young man into a killer, and it works, they do now use many of these war games to train our men and women to think and react to combat situations. "You are somewhat like all military people who return to civilized society after war, You are left with tendencies, and thoughts that you never had before, Your Saving Grace is the Core Values instilled in your mental and moral person that tend to keep us all out of trouble". You may have Pandoras box, but Nick you own the Key. Peace
Larry ***

Nick, I think that the fact that you are here looking for answers, and relief is evidence that You are a good
person, trust me Nick, I'm 71 and if people in walmart had a clue what I think they would run like hell.
My inner values are what keeps me sane and happy! Peace

Larry ***

But what I'm afraid of is it is possible to be ashamed of something you actually like or want, my example would be a closet case homosexual living with a gay bashing family. That was just an analogy I hope nobody thinks I am insulting gay people

Well, I mentioned before the possibility of OCD...I know that you did not think that this was the issue since you don't exhibit the compulsions...
but the thinking patterns are similar. Many people with OCD fear hurting others...though they would not act out those fears.

I am not attempting to dx you...but I would really urge you to get an evaluation by someone who is knowledgable in this disorder.

You will get your answers...just keep advocating for yourself! ;)

S.C.

Nick,

A fantasy is a situation imagined by an individual that expresses certain desires or aims on the part of its creator. Fantasies sometimes involve situations that are highly unlikely; or they may be quite realistic. Fantasies can also be sexual in nature. Another, more basic meaning of fantasy is something which is not 'real,' as in perceived explicitly by any of the senses, but exists as an imagined situation of object to subject.

In everyday life, individuals often find their thoughts pursue a series of fantasies concerning things they wish they could do or wish they had done...fantasies of control or of sovereign choice...daydreams.

Recognizing your fantasies run toward violence is a good thing and I would encourage you to push for the right type of therapist to help you understand what is happening.  If you have been playing games for a long time you may have triggered your mind to go to games when you are sleeping.

I am guilty of day dreaming as I dose off to sleep pretending I am the Queen of Scotland or getting even with someone who has hurt one of my children ETC.  In the real world I would not act out any of my dreams. In my dream world I have thought of all kinds of devious things I could do.

I have made a sincere effort this past year to  quit day dreaming how to get even as I am at a point where I have learned to let go of past hurts.

We are here for you.

Kindly,

Kitt