I have felt really weird lately. I think it's good, but just on the whole I've felt weird. I'm working really hard to mentally train myself to stop thinking how I've been thinking the past few months. It's really difficult though. I'm doing my best to stay positive too.
It's just so weird, the things that I obsess about. Like they are things that I normally never would have thought about. It reminds me of a time when I was younger and I remember laying in bed and all of the sudden started thinking about breathing. You don't think about breathing, you just do it, but as soon as I started thinking about it, it became difficult to breathe and I started thinking "I better make sure I keep breathing." Something as simple and automatic as breathing, I turned into a somewhat difficult task. It's the same thing with these thoughts.
I was up visiting the girlfriend this past weekend and I had a great time, but on the drive home I started getting that obsessive feeling again about just random, inappropriate things that did not necessarily have to do with her or our relationship and instead of letting the thoughts attack, I asked myself why I was feeling that way at that moment. Here's what I came up with:
-I hate leaving her. I did not want to leave her and I really hate leaving her. I also hate Sunday's and have always gotten those "Sunday Blues" for as long as I can remember. I hate driving back from her place and I just really hate leaving her.
-I only get to see her for a few days at a time and that really frustrates me I think. I hate how our relationship seems temporary. Even though we talk every day and I think about her a lot, it's just very difficult. I 100% think it's worth it, but honestly we haven't really had a streak of even like a month where we could be together every day. Then I see my roommate bring his girlfriend over any night they want and it doesn't bother me, but it just makes me sad I guess because I want that too. I think that I have these huge doubts because of this. It's almost like my way of protecting myself so I don't have to think about how much I hate being away from her.
-A good thing I realized is that usually after I leave her I always think "you didn't have THAT good of a time, remember you were all anxious at this particular time with her ect." Well I realized two things within this: one is that that thought is a lie and looking back I realized "oh wow I did have a great time!" and the other is that yes I did have some intrusive thoughts while I was with her, but they were just that - intruding. They felt forced and almost like a chore when I was around her. It would be like I was having a great time, but my head would say "wait...what about this?" It was just getting in the way.
I think this is a good step I really do. I have never really been able to see past the obsessions like I can now. There is always that doubt though of "what if the things you think are the roots are actually masking the things you are obsessing about?" but I just remind myself that I have OCD and I feel a little better. It's like the OCD is on its last legs and is throwing everything it has at me, but I'm doing my best to manage it and not let it get too strong. It feeds off of my fear so I cannot be scared.
The obsessions are not as constant as they were, they're not as loud as they were and they don't seem as serious. They bother me for sure, but they are slowly but surely dying.