Why...?

Basically all of my 49 years I've lived in fear of losing my Mom. I remember that as a little girl I would stress over the thought of her getting lung cancer b/c she was a cigarette smoker. I recall once not being able to sleep b/c of my worry and I got up retching/dry-heaving at the very idea of her dying.
I could be wrong, but I've always wondered if perhaps if at least on some level that much of my anxiety disorder is rooted in my past. I still stress over my mom's health. She has COPD (see...the cigarettes DID catch up to her) I do everything I possibly can to make her life better, easier, healthier. I've lived my entire life doing my best to please her, much of the time at the expense of my own wants. I live in fear of upsetting her in any way. I always have. It's not good and it's not healthy, but it's a fact. If I think something I want or want to do will make her mad or sad, I'll pass. Oh, I'll resent it inside, but I get too anxious inside to push the matter. So I put on a false front and let time pass and deal with it until it's in the past and no longer an issue. So I love my Mom extremely much and yet I have a lot of anger at her too (but it is deeply hidden and never spoken of). The times it came out some proved to be nothing but hurtful to both her and me and nothing really changed except that I had to work even harder to pretend that i was "okay" afterall.
Why couldn't I be like my sister who was so independent and had an attitude like "so what if Mom get's mad? I don't care!" not me...I was forever the peacemaker. And I have a lot of self-hatred for being such a sniveling coward. Oh well.
Anyhow, tonight as Mom and I were coming home from cleaaning her office job, she almost ran a red light and I had to tell her in time to stop! She said that her mind is really getting to be more on one-track than ever. She told me to never be afraid to tell her if I see her about to do something wrong while driving (she's still a good driver overall). As we continued homeward, she was saying how she's getting where she likes getting out of the house less and less. I do think that she worries that she's going to get Alzheimer's. So as we were walking up to our apartment tonight, she says in a bit of a frustrated voice, "You know, I think I really may be getting close to the end of my life span!"
That is something that with my emotional and anxiety problems that I didn't need to hear and it makes me want to cry, b/c I am STILL that little girl that is afraid of losing her. I know that we can't run from the possibility of losing our loved ones. We are all dying a bit everyday. But none of us know how long we will live. People of all ages die. Some get sick. Some get in accidents. We never know. But still, her making a statement like that really hurts me. I try not to dwell on death and dying. I try to think of it this way, that I'll cross that bridge when I HAVE to.
I'm really feeling down right now.
janetlee

Thank you, Carl...just knowing that "someone out there" knows and cares really does mean a lot to me! :)
And SC, you are ever the sweetheart! Thank you too.

I do know that I am not the only one that worries about losing their parent(s). My dad died in 1998. I'm the one that found him passed away in his dialysis chair. But as much as I loved my Dad, it isn't the same thing with my Mom. My Dad worked away from home for 30-45 days at a stretch and then was only home for 2 weeks off, then gone back to work again. Mom was ALWAYS there. I ended up becoming her confidant as well as her daughter. She later said that it wasn't good that she did that, but what was done was done. She was a month shy of being 18 years old when she had me. She did the best she could. She was raised up by an EXTREMELY abusive mother. Amazingly, despite the fact that her mom abused her and her siblings terribly, both physically and mentally, my Mom had made up her mind early on that when she had children someday that she was never going to beat them and such like she'd been done. There were a very few times in our lives (my sister and I) that my Mom went a bit overboard, but overall, we were raised up by a truly loving Mom. She gave us the love that she never got herself at home and I think that somewhere inside, even as a small child, I must have sensed that she needed me to need her. I became too dependent on her in that as I got older, I didn't "rebel" in the usual teenage way. I didn't test the waters, so to speak, as to just how far I could go before it meant trouble! no, I was forever the "good" one. I never once gave her a minute's problem. Then when I became an adult, I was really still a 12 year old emotionally. I was still just as "afraid" of Mom as I was as a child. I just couldn't let her down! It was imperative that I be ever obedient. And here I am, STILL towing the line at 49. If only I could've formed other relationships like 99% of people do, like with a husband and family of my own, this would not be as scary for me. Losing my Mom would still be very sad and awful, but at least I'd have my own ones to hold on to. But you see, I won't. Sometimes I feel so terribly alone that no one can truly know. One comfort that I do have thankfully, is that my middle niece seems to really care about me. My sister is emotionally distant from me (always has been) and my baby niece seems like, as she's getting more into her job and social life, that I'm barely a thought any more. I was great when she was trying to save money and would come over here to "visit us" which was really an excuse to eat here so she wouldn't have to spend her money to eat out while she was saving up to go to England. She was coming over here several times a week and spending many hours with us. She'd get waited on hand and foot, watch tv and use my pc. Of course, this was only when her friends weren't available and she was off work. She didn't want to go home in-between b/c she didn't want to deal with her folks. But now everything is hunky-dory and we're not needed right now. She's become kind of distant. It makes me sad. She used to seem like she cared about me for me. I don't know WHY she's become like this. I asked her if she was okay or needed to talk b/c she knew I'm always gonna be here for her. She said she's okay. That work and such had her stressed. But on Facebook, the only time she talks to me is if I contact her first. She has time for everyone else, but not me. I don't bug her about it. I don't want anyone to talk to me out of guilt or compulsion. I do understand that young adults prefer the company of their peers and that they get busy and so on. That's all fine. My thing is that I feel like there's some kind of wall that she's put up between us and I honestly don't know of anything I could've said or done to cause it. I'm not around her enough to do anything to "rock the boat" even if I wanted to! So anyway, it seems like she's lost to me suddenly. The eldest niece live in another state and is I haven't seen her in a couple of years.
So all I have is my Mom and my middle niece.
I'm sorry for going on and on and on. I just feel so lost and alone.
Sometimes I wish that my folks had waited another month to get married. Then I wouldn't have been, but I am.
jl

janetlee, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I would like to offer my support and encouragement. My mom has had diabetes since she was 6 years old. She has recently turned 60 and has gone through many struggles with her health over the past couple years. She is very healthy for a diabetic her age and is very strong mentally, which has helped her overcome all of the obstacles she has faced. I have the same health anxiety that she has had (hers is now controlled), but part of my anxiety is worrying about my mom and how much time she still has with us.

Sending you lots of hugs. Hang in there!

Dear , SNH, Psy, Keep, and of course my darling Kitt,
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and support. They are always appreciated and welcomed! It's not easy being a "girl" in a middle-aged woman's body. At least, that seems to be my role in life where my Mom's concerned. I'm to be ever the needy little girl except when she needs me to do things like run errands , make phone calls, all the things that she doesn't want to have to deal with. Sigh.
No one in my circle of friends, acquaintances, etc. can relate to that of course, so it leaves me on the outside or maybe on the inside looking out....according to how you look at things. I see myself as a bird in a cage really. Allowed out once in awhile under controlled situations, but put back in the cage at my master's convenience.
But at least I love her.
Thanks for trying to be understanding and not judging me too harshly.
Hugs to you all!
janet
PS-and Kitt, You are truly a special person to me. Love you
much!

Awww, Kitt
You are too sweet to this ol' gal! I know you are right. But I've never been a "pusher of boundaries"...at least where she's concerned! PHOOEY on me!
I am thinking of you and you are a true dear to continue to devote yourself to helping others as you fight your own battles. I honestly applaud you and you have not just my love, but my deep abiding respect!
xoxoxo
janet

I know how you feel. My mom is healthy but in her 90s. She lives alone and still drives. I worry about her all the time. My dad passed away almost 5 years ago. And she misses him as much today as she did then. She only has me and my brother who lives 1300 miles away. I'm her caretaker, confidant, best friend. While I get frustrated and angry sometimes that she has become my whole life I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I have no spouse or kids. So it's me and her. I'll be alone when she's gone. And I fret so much when she calls and says she's bit feeling well. I always think that this time she's going to die. The sadness and fear are overwhelming. So I hear you and understand. Moms aren't supposed to die. They're always supposed to be there to take care of us. I never want to look back in regret at not spending as much time as I can with her. But we must be honest with ourselves. The day will come when we will be forced to let go. Be there for her but do t lose yourself in the process. Give what you can but not what you don't have. And never wish that you weren't here. Your mom is who she is in part because you're here. She needs you. We need you. And we are here for you whenever you need us.

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."--Mark Twain
He said that after hearing that his obituary had been published in the New York Journal!
I think the same thing happened to Bob Hope!
So Kitt, you're in GREAT company! And leave it to you to always find the humor in the worst places! That's definitely MY Kitt! ;)
Your hubby must've been horrified! I admit that I would've been!
but you are like the famed Timex watch: You take a lickin' and keep on tickin'!
Love ya much!
janet

My husband was speechless without a retort for once in his life.  Tongue tied, wondering if it was true and he missed the service...................LOL. 

I think I should post on FB, sorry folks - I am not planning on going anywhere soon except to Chicago on the 20th.

I have never heard when you die you go to Chicago ??!!