Mom's Driving Me Mad!

Y'all know I love my Mom so much, but I swear that her pessimism, cynicism, and outright negativity is making me want to crawl the walls!
It seems like since my niece started dating and especially since she got engaged that mom's been worse than ever! I dread it when my niece calls b/c I know that my mom is going to be listening and putting on her disapproving "aura". Like earlier tonight, my niece called and was telling me how her fiance wants to get 2 parakeets after they get married. Mom pipes up and says "why do they have to have a pet for?" You see, my Mom loves animals, but the idea of any animal with fur being around her turns her OCD stomach! The hairs gross her out! But birds should be okay! So I tell mom that he wants birds b/c Eb (my niece) feels the same way about furry animals as my Mom (and sister) does. She starts saying how they don't need any pets. It's selfish to have animals if you can't take care of them. She feels sorry for any birds they get...and on and on! One worry she has is that my mentally-challenged nephew (my other niece's nearly 9 year old son) will get a hold of the birds. I told her that if MY circumstances were different, that I would've loved to get another cockatiel and that I didn't see any reason why they wouldn't take care of any future birds well. Of course, mom had to have the last word and say that she thought it was a BAD idea and she just doesn't care what any of them do any more and so!
You know, like my Mom, I have my reservations about some things and I have my opinions. For example, I've never been one to believe in paying big money for a wedding dress that you wear ONE time. Eb is paying a hefty price for hers. Would I do so? No. But still, it's HER money and HER choice. Mom was tsk-tsking to me about it and although I agreed with her sentiments and said so, even though in my heart I was like, it is Eb's business. (I have to be careful to choose which battles to bother waging!) There's other incidents as well, but that gives you an idea of where I'm coming from! Of course, Mom says a certain amount to Eb to let her know of her disapproval of some stuff, but for the most part, I get the brunt of the complaining and if I say too much in disagreement, I might get the "aura of disapproval" put on me and I have to live here 24/7!
I just do not understand why my mom has gotten so bitterly negative lately! I mean, she's never been the most optimistic person and has always been somewhat cynical and pessimistic, but lately it is like when it comes to Eb everything is major lows! It's like she can't be happy at all for Eb. It reminds me of when I was a kid. My sister could do something wrong and it wasn't the end of the world. If I did something wrong, I was made to feel way worse than my sister b/c I was expected to be the "good one"! I wonder if it is that way with Eb...my baby niece Chy is dating and mom seems much more accepting of that! go figure!
I feel so sad and bad b/c I know Eb can tell that mom is not being as agreeable to her as she should. I am in the middle. I can not win. I wish I could just vanish sometimes.
jl

I am going to take a big risk here and say a few things (that I've been bottling up), so before I begin, please my dear Janet, do not take offense. This is simply the voice of an outside part observing some intricate family dynamics. So please do keep that in mind, above all, I would absolutely never want to hurt you (if anything, I suppose I feel a bit more protective of you because you're the one who's trusting us with sharing your thoughts). Okay? Alright. Here we go (and in no particular order). Take them with a grain of salt.

1) It sounds like your Mom is pretty home-bound and quite reliant on those around her to accomplish those things that she cannot or will not do herself.

2) Any "stirring of the pot" of these established interfamilial roles is akin to stirring in such things as fear of abandonment, not caring, ignoring, being replaced, losing a contact (however rare) that she had claims on.

3) The parakeets are just a metaphor. If it weren't the birds, my guess is she would find something else to complain about and make a scene about. it's not the birds, it's what they represent,--something else, again, that will get care and loving that she sees as taking over her place. Eventually it'll be the dog, the cat, and then the baby.

4) Please remember this is not her business, nor is it yours. It is up to no one but the couple to decide if they want pets. Your Mom has no way (even if she yells her opinions across the table), nor do you. This is between your niece and her husband. Period.

5) A hard concept to grapple with is wedding dresses. To some women, it's the biggest day of their life. But to people like me, a "wedding" is not a "marriage." Once again, your place is to be nice and support her choice, not try to change her mind. There is no room for "logic" or "pragmatism" on a bride's wedding day.

6) My guess is that your mom is mourning the loss of EB. Regardless of how much time she did or didn't spend with her, now that she's married, your mom just got moved down a peg, and she's sad, she's hurt, she doesn't know what this will mean or how it will play out. She is scared, and a common reaction to being frightened is to make it with anger and/or disapproval.

Give your mom room to be as negative and cranky as she feels she needs to be, and what'll really cause a twist in her knickers, is if you do NOT, absolutely do NOT engage her in ANY of these conversation (she's looking for another person to argue with, to feel "right.") Instead, be a little saccharine, be sweet beyond measure, if she gets a bee in her bonnet, the best reply is, "Hmm....that's interesting." See? No question, no reply,.....

I've got 50 years of a severely malfunctioning "relationship" under my belt!! You're not alone honey! :)



M.

Larry, glad that worked for you! LOL!
Merrida, as for my opinions on what Eb does or doesn't do, I do not put them on her. Like you, I feel that she should do what she wants to do. I went to watch her try on the dresses. I never asked (nor would I!) how much they cost. I just gave her my honest opinion on which one I felt looked the best, which she wanted me to do. Did I really want to go? Not truly! But for Eboney, I never let on. And it meant a lot to her. :) I will just be relieved when she is actually married, settled down, and mom can digest it that it is a done deal and get over it. I'm sick sick sick of her constant belly-aching!! As to how to handle my Mom, I've had plenty of life experience and some of the ways suggested wouldn't necessarily work with her. She can be very astute. She would read me as being saracastic. Like I said, I have to choose my battles carefully. But do not think that I do not wish to hear suggestions or such! I never know when it may give me an option or idea I hadn't considered or help me to see things in a different way!
My mom still hasn't met Eb's guy. He's a sweet guy, very tenderhearted! He would do anything for anyone he could, especially family. But mom is the kind of person that it is even hard for her to let family do ANYTHING for her without paying them! "I don't want to owe anybody anything!" My baby niece wanted to pay for her meal last week at a restaurant and mom was like "no way!' and betweeen me and the niee reasoning with her, she relented, but only on the grounds that she pay for the niece's mean next time! Mom had such a sad upbringing and it affects her in such a sad way.
Thanks for listening y'all....it means a LOT! :)
janet

Larry -- I emailed you this afternoon. FYI

Merrida,
I wasn't offended by your message the other day! :)
I'm afraid I've been kind of busy so haven't been able to get back here to reply! You have made some very valid poits and I think they are good. I think mom picked up on my exasperation with her negativity and it made her look at herself some. She's actually been a bit beter...not 100%, but better!
Thanks!
HUGS!
janet

Ive been dealing with this all my life my brother got away with so much,had a live in girlfriend slept in same bed. My boyfriend was about to move& needed to stay one night yet we are both grown&had to sleep in other rooms,my mom has always been harder on me&a less of a helping hand to me like my brother. My brother had a wife both working&my mom sent hundreds of dollars to help him&never gets it back,let me ask for something/need something I better pay it back are want hear last of it. As well as when my brother don't pay anything back I have to hear it,my brother has done evil/said evil things to my mother but yet she keeps it secret&plays a long like he is the perfect son& let me do anything she put all my info out there making me look bad,so you are not a lone when it come to the mother driving you nuts etc. And I know it gets hard&stressful at times, but we being good kids try to keep it moving&can't let it bring us down.

Hi janetlee, just writing to say hello :) and that I have been following this thread. I hope that you have been able to work things out to the extent that you are feeling more content.

I understand how family relationships can be difficult, though I hope that you find peace in your understanding of the situation. I don't have the difficulties of living with anyone else right now, though I remember a specific event where I did something which I thought was a positive gesture, buying a little candle and putting it up at home, but it wasn't received well and that upset me. It is in the past, though now. I feel for your efforts and I know that I would want to feel good regardless, I wouldn't think it would hurt even so to be smiling inside yourself for the things which make you feel happy :)

Post Edited (HappyBean) : 1/24/2014 3:24:42 PM (GMT-7)

Happy Bean,
Thank you for your positive input and kind words. I hope you have as much happiness as you try to help others like me have!
And My VERY Favoritest Lady On The Whole Internet, My Dear Friend Kitt You always have such sweet kind thoughts and words of wisdom! My problem is that I'm such a coward and find it practically impossible to carry out the things that are recommended, such as setting boundaries. It's like a phobia. That's the best way I can explain it. I do think that I figured out one thing by something Mom said today though. I asked her if anyone had called while I was off running errands and she said no, that apparently no one needed anything from us or else they would've called...I DO get that. Most of the time, if we get a call from my sister or nieces, it will be because they need something. Now my sister calls so seldom that it's practically a miracle if she does. Lately, Eb, my niece that's engaged now, will call to see if she can come over after she gets off work to change her clothes so she can go meet her fiance and his family to go do whatever they have planned. She asks us b/c we live close to her job but she lives on the other side of town. Then yesterday she called and wanted to know if she can come over soon and use my computer to do some income tax stuff and I said she could of course. Lately she's been very busy with work and her honey-bunny as I call him (in a teasing way, not mean!) However, I did remind Mom that Eb does call sometimes "just because" (although not so much lately in the circumstances). And my baby niece, Chy, works and is always busy with her beau, his family, her social circle, etc. Chy is a basically sweet young woman, but truly is a bit more self-centered. Before she got together with this guy, we were "handy" to come visit when there was no place else to go b/c she was low on funds, needed a free meal (quite a few times a week and we eat a lot of tv dinners and she has a good appetite and would eat 2 and then other stuff and get waited on hand and foot). Anyway, now we aren't "needed" so much so we seldom see or hear from her. It is easy to feel used sometimes. But Eb is my special one and is a kindred spirit in many ways. I did say to Mom today that I love both the girls but Eb is special. Mom says they are about equal to her. She used to would've said Eb was a bit extra, but not now.
Whenever the subject of Eb or her fiance are brought up, I can see the "lights go dim" in Mom and I quickly change the subject. I saw him yesterday and he hugged me twice. He has a gentle heart. Loves animals and children, helps his family, works hard in the home and at his jobs. He treats Eb like gold and says she is God's blessing to him. Yet, my Mom has no desire to meet him and even though she knows he is probably as good a person as he seems to be, she still is withdrawn about the whole engagement and is like she will withhold any opinion until he's "proven" himself once married for a good while.
So it is and it is sad.
But I'm taking baby steps and I refuse to treat my Eb like a bad person or as if she's slapped me!
Thank you Kitt! I love you and I hope your road continues to stay a bit smoother! :*
janet xoxoxoxo