new member and my issues. (specificially MMORPG & general life anxiety)

Hi all. very new to this so it would be appreciated if you could give me some slack in regards to what i need to post to let it out. i haven't really found a place to fully express myself. also i wish to apologize on my grammar if it's not up to scratch.

where to start, i'm Amanda, i'm currently twenty and unemployed since eighteen. I wouldn't say i'm in poverty but we reside just above the borderline; my computer is my relief from the world. i write poetry, i play games, i can listen to music and do many things whereas if this wasn't in my life, it would be far gloomier then it feels.

i have played an MMORPG - specifically RuneScape since 2004. i find it both a luxury and an addiction. through the good, and the bad, i have gone to that game to escape, to hide, to have fun and to get lost in the adventure.

Lately, i say lately, more of the past 5-6 years since leaving school, i have been on a wild goose-chase. Firstly it's more of battling against my demons of fear, bullying, torture of re-occurring dreams and acne. Roaccutane (Severe Acne treatment) and in the midst of this, i have been trying to find myself.

my heart goes into a butterfly rush. some days i'm perfectly happy and content, other days it's this fear about the future getting to my head. about the past, about my dad. my Dad was a drunk, a thief, a lier and only recently I have got back into contact with him since 6 years of moving away from him.

I've been in a few abusive relationships, my beloved first dog from childhood died when i was sixteen. i think of him alot, i now have a two-year old patter-dale dog which helps me smile at least once a day.

Only recently little things have occurred to me how disillusioned i am with goals and feelings towards my peers. I feel the media misrepresents people in my predicament (unemployment/under achiever) and it's at the stage i feel in a bad place. my family think i'm over opinionated, and personally i agree. i'm all talk and no self-helper.

Perhaps this is an excuse to find relief. but i cannot do this without the right guidance.
even one reply would help.

all i'm trying to say is i'm struggling and not sure if i'm alright. that's the thing, as i sign on every two weeks, there is no check-up on your mental state there, they leave you to do your own devices. to gain employment, to do job search, to do mandatory things so the government agrees you tick that certain box to be available for work-ready courses.

i have no problem with all the mandatory things they make me do. it's only right that they should and do have these things. i'm fortunate to get money off the state to survive. but the only friend i have is in uni with 27k debt for just three years for a English course. he tries to tell me to go to college/uni, get the debt but achieve something. and i just cannot do it. i do not know if i am in the wrong for not doing that, but it seems such a worry to have debt on my shoulders on top of my already fragile mind.

i'm just afraid where the next five years will go. i can afford driving lessons but the car i cannot. it would cost £2,000 with insurance & mot. i want to do swimming lessons but i'm terrified due to previous bullying in the changing rooms. i dislike to sound so negative i just haven't had a positive influence.

Good Morning and welcome to HealingWell.  I am Kitt and I have been around here for a fair amount of time so I will try to give you some ideas but also will refrain from overwhelming you.

The first think I noted was your name - Amanda - my oldest granddaughter is named Amanda and she has been going through tough times for the past 8 years while raising a 5 year old and a 7 year old.  I support her and I am here to support you.

I am going to post a couple of links where you will find quizzes; one for Depression and one for anxiety.  Taking these quizzes may help you better identify where you are when relating to depression or anxiety.  Most people with anxiety also have depression.

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/anxiety.htm

http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm

When I am stuck in a tough place I will take the quizzes to help me decide what is bothering me. I often think I am just anxious but score much higher on the depression quiz.

Once you honestly identify your feelings we can try to help you with what causes you the most distress.

I feel you identified your major problem - video games are without a doubt the toughest addiction to over-come.  The role playing keeps you busy and the rest of the world just passes you by.  You may have to consider giving up role playing games in order to find out who you really are and what you want out of life.

You must have a firm commitment to not play them. You can’t limit your time; you can’t use it as a reward. You must quit cold turkey, 110%. You must make that decision. You must make the decision not to touch them at all ever again. I’m not talking about making this decision like you make other decisions, which you aren’t really serious about. I mean, you seriously have to mean it. If not, you will end up playing them again and again, wasting your days playing some  video game, justifying it in a thousand different ways.

We are here to support you with your multitude of problems so let us try to help you deal with one issue at a time.

Kindly,

Kitt

Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game

MMORPG

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Massively_multiplayer_online_role-playing_game

For edification purposes, thought it was a disease acronym.

Mostly i wanted to make a proper response to Stkitt, Jungrulz & Merrida for feedback & appreciation of further responses.

Kitt,

In regards to the tests, i scored an overwhelming 54 in anxiety & 49 in depression. it is quite overwhelming to see both scores resulting in that high of a number although it is almost a relief to see some sort of explanation as to why I've felt like this.

i must say trying to defeat MMORPG addiction 100% with 110% effort cold turkey is quite the predicament and challenge. you're right in how i shouldn't justify it as an excuse to play and dwindle. but it is a sordid pattern that is quite complex and structured. in action all i would simply have to is log out, bail, delete cache and block. in reality... mixed emotions almost to a nausea of having nothing but reality to suit the replacement. a stepping stone in the right direction..perhaps for now i will indeed try to cut back the amount of time i spent on the game and in return do more social things. sometimes it's nice to get outside even in the garden. get to breathe and chill out : )

Thank you for giving me the time and patience that you give your granddaughter. i find that very kind of you.

JungRulz, i do apologize for not explaining the definition of a MMORPG earlier (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game)

and finally,

Merrida,

yes, the "permission" having the chance to post somewhere with positive influences is quite handy when my troublesome mind goes to a place beyond needing approval; more so a desire of wanting someone to understand and relate without drama involving out of hand quarrels or on the other hand, being ignored completely.