Merrida said...
MDR,
I have so many "wow's" bubbling inside of me after reading your posts, I don't even know where to begin. So, in no particular order, permit me to do some rambling of my own!
Actually, straight out of the gate, I do want to say how sorry I am to hear of your grandfather's passing. Were you particularly close to him? The loss of a family member never results in any type of smooth transition. Even if you were not particularly close, your subconscious mind will find ways to process grief in addition to the conscious ones.
When you told us of how your first psychiatrist said you were experiencing a placebo effect, I will admit to you that my jaw hit the floor. I'm aghast that he made such an unprofessional, cold, dispassionate comment to you, and especially during a time of great grief while you were actively seeking help and guidance. That is completely uncalled for and completely dismissive of your feelings. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this occurrence.
It bears emphasis,-- I'm very glad that you opted to find a new psychiatrist.
You will find, as you read more and more from our posters, how very common it is to find out how many of us suffered from various anxiety disorders which started when we were young. In that regard, you'll find you have a great deal of company here!
One commonality that is both annoying and yet sometimes reassuring, is the comment: "Everyone reacts differently to medication." As Panda pointed out, it (generally) takes about 4-6 weeks for these particular meds to see if they're effective for you as they need to reach a blood level, -- it has to build up in your bloodstream. In the meantime, there is almost always an "adjustment period" where our symptoms can get a little worse, or even new ones pop up. Generally speaking, these often dissipate once you get to that 4-6 week mark.
I know it's difficult, but I believe one of our biggest tests is enduring that whole "waiting period",....waiting on changing symptoms as we adjust,....waiting for our blood levels to optimize,...waiting to see if this is ultimately the right med for us, or if we need to change. Again.
With regards to your intrusive and disturbing thoughts of violence,....even if you feel confident that you would not harm yourself or others, while they're still hanging around in your thoughts, make sure you tell your doctor,....perhaps consider in-patient treatment for a short while as the meds stabilize in your body,...don't keep it a secret that you try and hide or suppress our of fear. It's not only vital, but it's fair, to make sure your healthcare providers and people around you are made aware.
Thoughts of violence, however fleeting or distant they may seem, are never to be treated lightly. Remember, any time we start a new med, we do run the risk of any of our symptoms, or symptom, getting temporarily kicked into overdrive. So please take this seriously. The fact that you are aware of these intrusive thoughts, that the thoughts concern you (vs. not caring), and you've stated quite directly that you feel preoccupied with them,....believe it or not, gives you an edge, because it makes addressing this less complicated, than say, if you were in denial.
Discuss all of this with your psychiatrist and your PCP. (Do you have a therapist as well to provide a safe place for you to talk about these feelings, knowing you aren't going to be judged,...a place to work out the many feelings that are intermingling inside of you? If not, I'd strongly recommend you get one. A therapist familiar with your unique circumstances,...perhaps start with a grief counselor, and see where it leads?)
Provided your doctor prescribed the anxiety med (the one you can take as needed, when anxiety feels like it's getting too intense), and you're taking them as prescribed, (and they don't increase or intensify your intrusive thoughts),....think of the like building blocks. It doesn't mean you'll need these "break through anxiety meds" forever,....but maybe for now, while your body is still working out if you're on the right med, think of these meds as part time helpers to assist you and take some of the stress of anxiety and panic off your shoulders for a short while, making it a little easier to handle.
That's all. Those meds don't fix anything or cure anything,...but they can be incredibly helpful for when we go through rough patches.
M.
Thank you for your post. It was nice to read through. I will say that my grandfather and I were quite close. I believe, as my new psychiatrist said, I have gotten this anxiety "pop up" again from his death. It had been lying dormant for years since my experiences with anti-anxiety/depressant pills in the 6th grade.
I want to clarify the "violence" portion. I do not think of committing acts of violence, to myself or to anyone else, but rather I have an image or a thought rush through my head- that will take a special "ritual" or "compulsion" to get rid of. Which is why I strongly believe its OCD related, as stated under the OCD portion of the Anxiety reading that I have done on this site.
I will also add that I am going to be seeing a therapist in the near future. April, I believe. They are quite booked up around here. It stinks, but it will feel good to get in. Typically I sit around and talk to my mother- because we have gone through the same type of things. She swears by Paxil and has taken it for 15 years. I'm not expecting a miracle pill, that completely dissolves my problems, I understand that as a human being we need to feel all of the emotions in our life- even the sad ones, and feeling nervous from time to time. I just really hope that this pill will be the one to at least alleviate the stuff that gets really annoying and bothersome.
My problem is not giving enough time. I always either feel the initial "I feel great" period, and stick with it (like Citalopram) and then it ends up not being as great as I thought. OR I will have bad side effects right away (Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Etc.)
So. I am going to stick with it this time. Give it that month/month and a half and see how I feel. I am hoping they finally work! Urgh! It can be so annoying
