Marriage Therapy

I had first session today, with my wife and therapist.  The therapist is enormously experienced and seems like a good guy.  I tried very hard to be "neutral" and conciliatory in the way I described things -- not casting blame, acknowledging that there is more than one perspective, that I was not always right, etc. 

Wife was less so.  She clearly believes that, in those areas where we had conflict, over the years, that "she was right and I was wrong."  She was  not in "attack mode" during the therapy, but her approach is less "balanced" than I tried to be.

I am trying not to resent her approach or the things she said.  That is not easy -- someone is sitting right next to you, accusing you of things, and saying you are to blame.  But resentment won't help us make progress. 

Maybe I should have been less "analytical" and "balanced" in the therapy session, and instead really called it as I see it.  But I don't want it to turn into an argument, and I don't see much benefit in "re-litigating history."

As I have mentioned here before, I have a problem with doing things and then subsequently regretting them.  So, all afternoon, I have been regretting things that I did not say during the therapy session, points I should have made but failed to make, etc.  Darn it -- even therapy becomes a source of anxiety!  

I know this marriage therapy that I am embarking on will continue to  be a source of anxiety, as it goes forward.  It will dredge up stuff from the past, raise issues about which we had difficult disagreements, etc.   I am not looking forward to any of that.  It is not easy for most people, and I think maybe even harder for one with anxiety. 

But my dad used to say "nothing worthwhile is easy" -- so I guess all I can do is push forward, and hope it is all worth it in the end.

Any brilliant insights?

 

Rough night last night. One of the primary manifestations of my anxiety is a tendency to regret things that I said or did (or failed to say or do), after the fact. I focus on these things a lot, replay them in my mind (what I should have said/done), get very anxious, and lose sleep over it. I did that last night with respect to the first session of my marriage therapy -- what I should have said to better articulate my perspective, etc. And then, to add to that, I spent some time regretting the contributions I did make, in the past, to problems in my marriage. This tendency to second-guess, regret, get anxious about what should have said/done, etc. is going to make the marriage therapy harder. My wife, by contrast, seems to find it much easier to go in there, say how she feels, and be done with it. No second guessing.

Weary - I am going to take your suggestion and write everything down for the next meeting. I may not give it to therapist, but I will at least use it as notes to make sure I say what I want to say. Thanks for your good advice.

You and your wife ARE doing something to save and improve your relationship. Count yourself lucky Med!

The therapist likes to have -- after an initial session with both of us -- one meeting alone with wife, and then a meeting alone with husband (or the other way around). We did those meetings this week.

I have a bad habit of regretting things that I said, or failed to say, after an important conversation or event. At work, I will sometimes have a meeting and then, after it is over, I will think about something I should have said or not said (or said differently), and I will replay the conversation in my mind, castigate myself for not doing it better, get anxious, etc. This also happens in my personal life.

After my meeting with the therapist, I had this feeling -- things I should have said, but did not say. Now I am anxious about that. The same thing happened after the initial (joint with wife) meeting with the therapist. I guess maybe this will happen after every session.

And then, to add to it, the topics themselves are anxiety-provoking. Taking about bad times in the past, disputes, confrontation, etc. (There has been positive stuff too, in our marriage, but I guess by its nature this process focuses a lot on the negative).

I hope in the end it is worthwhile.

I actually emailed the therapist a few points that I should have made, but did not make, when we spoke. That helped relieve the post hac rumination a bit. And he did not seem to mind my "supplementing" like that. But then I thought of at least one other important point I should have made, but did not. I did not feel like I could send a second "supplementing" email. That would be too much. (The guy is our therapist, not my pen pal!)

The delaying an answer is a good idea. It is a good habit to get into anyway - not quickly blurting out answers to important questions.

I did make notes before the session, but in a strange way it sort of worked against me. The reason is I had those written down points that I definitely wanted to make. And I did make those points. But then I may have been less thoughtful about the other questions he asked me. It was like I was anxious to get to the points that I had written down, and that was my focus -- rather than being thoughtful in response to the questions he was asking me.

It is strange, really, that I would have this problem. I am a very experienced public speaker, comfortable taking questions from the floor, I have done many press interviews including TV and radio (for my work), and I think I am a pretty articulate guy and quick on my feet. But I guess not when it comes to this sort of "personal" stuff. Oh well.

Thanks for your support.

Post Edited (medved) : 5/2/2014 11:29:00 AM (GMT-6)