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Anxiety triggered by husband's outbursts

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Posted 5/10/2014 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
I have GAD and panic attacks. My husband has PTSD (physically abused as a child and watched his mother be physically abused and also experienced a military accident where basic trainee soldiers died in front of him and spent time in Iraq during Desert Storm). He also has somewhat of an explosive personality and anger issues. We've been married for 34 years. I've always had anxiety and panic attacks as a result of my childhood (bipolar mother and paraplegic father, I experienced a lot of neglect as a result) which manifested in the form of nocturnal panic attacks. I never took meds for this until recently.

Ever since I went through menopause my anxiety, GAD and panic attacks have worsened. I'm currently on 75 mg of Zoloft and had to start taking Klonopin which my doctor is currently trying to wean me off since I'm concerned about getting addicted to it. I'm also implement the information in the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook such as exercise, eating right, meditation etc. I highly recommend this book.

It's very difficult for the 2 of us to not set each other off. I make a statement, and he explodes causing me anxiety. For example, I was looking at one of our credit card debts and made the statement that I'm not going to be able to retire in 5 years. We are trying to pay off a lot of debt so I can retire debt-free in 5 years when I'm eligible.

He then started raising his voice (he's also slightly deaf from being in the military and talks loud in general) about the situation in general, that I'm being unrealistic, we'll pay off our debt, blah, blah, blah, making me jump out of my skin and start my heart racing. He's not violent towards me or anything, it's just part of his personality.

I'm seeing a therapist and both of us our scheduled to see her next week for her to talk to him about being able to deal with my anxiety and possibly recommend us to couples counseling if necessary. He also sees a psychiatrist at the VA.

In the meantime, anyone else deal with this? I love my husband very much, and I hate that we both have these issues and are toxic for each other. Any suggestions from anyone whose been through something similar?

Post Edited (Roseym10) : 5/10/2014 4:38:18 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/11/2014 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
I've dealt with a very similar situation, which has since been resolved, but it enveloped the beginning of our marriage. I'm an only child, and love my solitude, and was left alone a lot (as a kid and as an adult, -- sometimes by choice, but not always).

My "comfort zone" tends to be "library quiet."

The only time I heard a loud voice was when my Father had a temper outburst and would yell, scream blue, and was physically violent (towards walls in the house, doors, and the such).

I married into a family of yellers. My MIL was a school teacher and it's custom for her to talk very loudly just in general, and that got passed down to my Husband. Add to that, for many years when we were first together, he had a severe anger management problem.

He would get right in my face and yell and scream until spit would come out....sometimes over the smallest things. But money was always a massive trigger, and I think the money-trigger is common in many relationships, even those that do not manifest in loud anger.

As I mentioned, this is now resolved. Now, we communicate, and as we've worked through everything, he eventually explained to me that when he used to yell at me and I'd cower and sometimes cry and shrink back, he felt empowered, it fed his anger, and he felt more in control.

Mind you, it took years for us to be able to communicate as we do now. (He's also military, just thought I'd throw that in there,....but my family are Marines, while his is Air Force and Navy! How we ever got along is a surprise, eh?)

I'm a quiet and sometimes shy person, and dislike anything remotely loud, much less very loud, so I can empathize and sympathize with where you're coming from. I lend you my ear and my shoulder!








M.
Posted 5/11/2014 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
He who yells loudest is the winner! not really many times they are the looser inside and outside, Yes at
one time I was like this also, so was my dad, and a lot of the men in our family, I put this behind me years ago but I am still ashamed, I have no excuse, I was a dumb ass. Peace

Larry ***
Posted 5/11/2014 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
Larry, I just want to hug you so big sometimes! :)




M.
Posted 5/11/2014 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning everyone and I am in the same situation for many of the same reasons.  I got to the point about 6 months ago when I felt like I would drive myself to the ER if I was on the receiving end of my husband's angry outbursts one more time.

I am always amazed that I recognized my own mental health issues way back in 1984 yet I live with and know so many people that have issues but will not accept the fact that they need help and keep on feeling awful as trying to hide your feelings from your loved ones ends up just like this.............living with so much anger in your life. 

I met with my Psychiatrist when I had gotten to my breaking point and she taught me to put up my hand and just explain quietly to my husband that I can not continue with the conversation when I am being screamed at and I walk away.

It is hard to not take his behavior as coming from him and nothing I have said or done but I do feel guilty and it makes me sad ( dx of depression/anxiety) so

I do the best I can without spending the days in tears of sorrow.

I was dx with serious cancer in August of 2012 and  when I am on Chemo my husband seems to be more volatile.  My psychiatrist feels he has so much fear and anxiety re my cancer and does not know how to deal so his anger takes over.

We have been married for 43 years come this June.

My best advice is to take care of you........................and keep on seeing your therapist.

Blessings,

Kitt

 

Posted 5/11/2014 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
An amendment to all the great info before....

Men also tend to be "fixers," and when we have been dealt a hand that they, themselves, cannot actively do something to make it just "go away," they feel out of control, and many times the only safe outlet for them is anger.

Many men, depending on the age bracket and how they're raised, were taught not to show sensitive emotions, especially fear. But anger always seems acceptable as boys are growing up.....it's a sad thing that this needs to be un-taught and un-learned.....








M.
Posted 5/12/2014 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
Larry,
The way you admit your faults being a man is amazing. The way you give advice is priceless. I too have issues with people raising their voices, and my other half is very loud, even if he isn't yelling. He always sounds like he is though, and my heart races. My dad was an alcoholic, and beat us and my mom. I was scared of him forever, and he finally quit drinking and became a good guy, then died when I was 18..however I love being around noises, and lots of people. Just the voice raising and yelling gets my anxiety up..
Posted 5/12/2014 12:35 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Paddi, I guess its the Venus mars thing but I went through
the same thing you did as a child, you would think I would have
tried harder to not be like that, I was such an ass really it took
a VA doctor to make me look closer in the mirror of life, we did
some Gestalt therapy where one takes both sides in the disagreement first I was to be my daddy, man I was good at
that, then I was to answer him back, surprise, I was still my daddy! Lessons learned hard always last, Peace and Love to all.
Larry ***
Posted 5/12/2014 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
Yea, I thankfully did not turn out to be an alcoholic. I am just the opposite, never did drugs, and havent' had a drink since before I got pregnant with my daughter over 13years ago. Of course I did do some partying after I turned 21..I still haven't had a drink since she was born, just don't feel like it. I do however have a brother who is a bad alcoholic, and many nieces. They all take after my dad, and their grandpa. I divorced my husband when he started getting violent because of alcohol, and we had our daughter. I refuse to let her see that. thankfully though we are back together now, and he no longer drinks, and is not violent or angry anymore. Divorcing him, woke him up. He was always a good father but I couldn't let her see what he did. However he is still immature for 45 years old and selfish. He doesn't admit things very well, and still doesn't take the blame for many things he had done. As long as he stays sober and does well we will be fine. I still have some days when he raises his voice, my hair stand on end. He doesn't yell, he just has a loud voice. But I do appreciate all your advice. You really seem to have the ability to help people.
Posted 5/12/2014 1:05 AM (GMT 0)
To All:inside every man is a 12 year old boy, he acts, thinks,
and behaves like a 12year old, if you want to keep him happy
remember what you are dealing with, afterall you are women
and your brain is in one place.

"just remember, sometimes we need to be spanked or made
to stand in the corner you can do it girls, your smarter than
us" Peace
Larry ***
Posted 5/12/2014 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
Larry that totally made me smile, I will keep this in mind as mine behaves exactly like a child. Thank you!
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