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Posted 5/17/2014 11:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I posted here a couple days ago when I was told I need a breast biopsy. .. Still sick with fear about that... Just sick... It's eating me up.

And the biopsy won't happen until June 2nd, and god knows then days for the results which I am SURE are the worst news...

But I just also learned a long time chat board friend died last Saturday.

I've also lost the people closest to me and it feels like death is gripping my throat.

I KNOW we all die, so why am I SO afraid of it???? I used to read Elizabeth Kubler Ross when I was a teen, I went to graveyards to get used the idea... I studied death.

Now that it feels I am close? I'm a wreck...

My family were all so brave about their deaths. I am a mess!!!!
Posted 5/18/2014 4:19 AM (GMT 0)
MAL:I don't think you are a mess, sounds pretty normal to me
have you had anyone in your family with BC, if not perhaps you
will get good news. The only way I know to defeat the fear of death is to live, live as good as you can try to hurt no one and
have no regrets. This is a good place to make friends and get good advice. You might enjoy the chat room or the resource page. I do understand about the biopsy fear had one done a week ago, waiting really sux. Peace
Larry ***
Posted 5/18/2014 10:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Larry. Wow, hope your results were benign...

I'm still scared as I have ever been...

I have lived a good life going out of my way to treat people as kind as i could. 20 years caring for aged parents, lost a brother I was close to... Oh yes, I have done good things despite all odds in the face of many adversities.

Just feels like... I always get the bad luck, others? They skip by with happy lives and get all the breaks :(

Just feeling sorry for myself again, scared, trying to plan for the worse: what to do with my beloved pet friends, how to try and avoid financial ruin, you know, fun stuff... :(
Posted 5/18/2014 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
A.L.,

I am so sorry to hear about your friend.:( Loss can be an anxiety trigger for sure. This is completely normal.

...then when you factor in the health anxiety fears (which include fear of death ususally) then the worries are further heightened.

I did respond to your other post with the analogy regarding hearing bad news vs. winning the lottery...so be sure and check that thread out when you can.

Thougths and prayers!!

S.C.
Posted 5/18/2014 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
MAL,

"Still sick with fear about that... Just sick... It's eating me up." I am starting with your quote as I live the life of a person with cancer - terminal colon cancer and I get so scared I feel the disease is eating me up too. 

It is so hard to be brave but know until you have your biopsy and the answer is in that anticipating a bad outcome is not going to help you.

I will leave you with this,

"I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens." ~ Woody Allen

 

Posted 5/19/2014 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
Scaredy Cat thank you again so much! I saw your other post :)


stkitt, here you are, the place we all fear (real serious health issues), so how do YOU manage it?

You are in the place everyone fears.

I saw my own father battle colon cancer. Then a debilitating stroke. Then a broken hip. He had faith in the Doctors so he didn't take it terribly hard.

My late brother, pancreatic cancer, they misdiagnosed him until it was far too late regardless, though that cancer is aggressive with slim hope. He didn't get a chance, but he too had faith in Doctors.

I myself? Do not share their faith in Doctors... So my fear is magnified...

So how do YOU deal with what must be terrible anxiety, fears etc. Are you able to take something to help calm you? Or do you want that? Do they give it to you?

Please do not if it does not help you feel better in some way. I'm just wondering, HOW do you deal day to day with such a frightening situation???

(((Hugs)))

Post Edited (My Anxiety Life) : 5/18/2014 9:09:37 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/19/2014 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
I wake every morning, fear floods my belly: "You have cancer, the biopsy will show you have cancer, death is already knocking on your door".

I did the same thing for several+ years when my close family died. Woke in a panic thinking: "They really are gone". No one could really help me with that either, I had to help myself.

Then I worry: "You stupid fool, you didn't get enough health insurance, you know after your trip to the ER uninsured how fast they can wipe you out financially, this minimal insurance won't help, you'll be dying of cancer and be wiped out and homeless too" ('ll call and ask to increase my insurance, have no idea what current health laws say about that).

Ugh, I'm sorry, I know threads like this are such a downer....

REAL potential health threats are hard to read, I have the same reaction with other threads as anxiety, at least my anxiety, gets tweaked by the smallest things: A bad news story, hearing of someone dying...

I KNOW we l die, there is no avoiding it. Did I mention I have been trying to sort of come to terms with death since I was a kid, and listening to psychologists and reading self help books forever trying to cure myself for all the other issues I have to deal with in my life. Sorry for the rambling....

Reading about breast cancer does no good of course.... And trying to find articles and youtube vids on things like "learning to accept death" are nothing more than people trying to push their "life coaching" full-of-promises books for sale or stuff that just does not address the issue in an intelligent way, from rambling metaphysical talk to a Yogi who said: "Go drink tea" as a response to "Why do we fear death".

Uhhh... Not much help there.

I keep talking/venting about this because friends are quick to weary of hearing about it, and I can't keep going on and on about it with them, so I turn to forums and talk to myself, mostly lol... What can one say except "sorry hope the news is good".

I appreciate the internet, at least we can read of others going through similar issues. Those of us who grew up without it had to live in isolated fear for the most part.

Thanks again for allowing me to express my fears...

Post Edited (My Anxiety Life) : 5/19/2014 6:13:27 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/19/2014 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi M.A.L.,

It is really hard to not think about things that we fear the most. It is hardwired into our brains to avoid threats and dangers...thus anxiety is a defense mechanism that is in many cases, our protection.

The trouble comes when it takes over, and we can't shake the constant cycle of worries that flood our minds. It is awful to wake up and immediately start to have negative and frightening thoughs first thing...I am so sorry that you are going through that.:(

Sometimes the only way around these worries is to go right through them. It is really hard to just shut them off, so working through them with some exercises may be helpful.

Here is a link to a bunch of therapy worksheets. You can take your particular worries, thoughts, anxious/negative phrases that are bothering you, and step by step break them down with the help of these tools.

Take a look and see which ones look like they might be helpful to you.

Therapy Work Sheets:

http://www.get.gg/freedownloads2.htm

Thoughts and prayers going out your way today.

S.C.

Posted 5/19/2014 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
MAL,

I struggled with 'fear of death' for so many years, since I was a child (when of all times, a childhood should be filled with fun activities and pleasant thoughts). It continued for ages.

Then it was one random therapy visit where evidently, I was in the right frame of mind, it was said by the right person, at the right time, and it sunk in, and my attitude changed.

She told me: Dying is easy....you are not afraid of dying. You are afraid of living!

And gosh darn it you know, she was right. It took a little bit of time to sink in and process, but,....she was completely right.

Sometimes our thoughts can process our emotions a little backwards.

I come from a place of saying I no longer suffer from this fear, so I do know that this can be managed. In ways unique to each of us, we'll find our "light bulb" moment! :)







M.
Posted 5/19/2014 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi M.A.L., The diagnosis of a terminal illness dealt me a profoundly shocking, staggering blow. In one instant, my world was turned upside down. I felt my anger and grief would consume me but I did not want to say anything negative as I was anxious God would turn his back on me. I was troubled about the path this illness would take and how I would manage to stay brave my final weeks, months even years. Would I suffer? What awaits me on the other side? How can I say goodbye to the people I love ? During this time, I need the love and support of family and friends more than ever. I thought that would just come automatically but life doesn’t always work out as we assume. Too often, people distance themselves from death and dying because they are afraid to face their own fear and pain Understanding what happens in death and dying may help you to overcome your fears. Start by learning everything you can about the terminal illness – you'll be less frightened if you know what to expect. Only do this if and when you or someone you love is dx with a terminal illness. My emotions can be all over the place,   I am not brave but I do understand that time is a gift. I have an excellent psychiatrist who helps me by asking the right questions.   Nobody is expected to be brave when they receive a scary dx.   I let out the tears, I created a bucket list without an end time…………………..I take time to look for the roses.   I am in MN so we don’t have any rose bushes blooming here yet. If one or two therapists aren't helpful, you can try others. Different approaches like CBT may help with the obsessive thoughts, and mindfulness approaches can help when the anxiety gets particularly acute. You might also seek help from a psychiatrist ; they may be able to help with anti-anxiety medication that can get you to a point where you aren't living with sinister anxieties about your own death. I'm very sorry that you are feeling like this. I hope you find relief soon. I also help my response helps you in some small way and may your biopsy be normal.   Gentle Hugs, Kitt    
Posted 5/20/2014 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
Scaredy Cat (((thank you))) I still have the worksheet window open, looking them over.

Merrida - It's funny the way the mind works sometimes. I've heard that same saying, I've said it over and over in my mind: WHAT is it you are so afraid of???? I did have many challenges growing up so saw the world as a frightening/threatening place. That lingers despite all the years of seeking help... BUT I haven't given up yet...


stkitt :

My dear, wish I could hug you right now. I ushered my Dad, my Mom and (shockingly unexpected) my brother to their final end. It was so hard to watch them dying and nothing I could do. I can only sort of relate to the terminal diagnosis in the way I watched my family die, and the feeling I had last year when I had chest pains, now the upcoming biopsy.

I think this is why I *tried* to understand death, let it be my friend!!! But alas, while I have read many a book on it, seen many interviews of the terminal and dying, it's not helping me at this time, facing a potential cancer situation. And you know that hospitals don't care, they want to get paid. Period. Doctors, nurses, receptionists etc don't care: They call you or not with important news if they remember or not, etc etc..... That's been my experience.

Part of my fear: I do not have enough insurance to pay for treatment. Fighting death and destitution.... My two biggest fears.

I've seen people unable to deal with the dying so I know what you mean, I understood their own fears, I knew why people avoided my parents, and me, for caring for them. I know the pain this must cause at times and I am sorry if friends and family turned their backs on you. But you know why they did. Still, it does not help much.

My friend whose parents survived the Holocaust has a saying that for some reason helps me a bit:

"When it comes to dying, we all take turns".

We will ALL be where you are at, or die suddenly. We will ALL be facing what you are facing, or something similar. In this way, know you are not alone, though you may feel it. Not too much comfort perhaps now for you, but one day, I will be there too, and everyone we all know, and those before us, and those after us.

I've realized time is a gift, yes.

Ugh, I'm rambling again.

Just wanted to relate to your kind words, say that in MY way, I understand a bit what you are going through, and thank you kindly, so kindly, for your words of comfort to me, a mere stranger.
Posted 5/20/2014 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
M.A.L.

Am I remembering correctly that your first test is tomorrow? (compression?)

Lots of thoughts and prayers going out to you. I really believe that it is all going to be okay.

Hugs,

S.C.
Posted 5/20/2014 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Scaredy Cat, how very very kind of you to remember!

Thank you my friend. This test ...

Nahhh, not a big deal. Just more views, but I thank you.. xo

Now June 2nd, that's the "countdown" so to speak... B-i-o-p-s-y *gulp*

Hope you are doing well today...
Posted 5/21/2014 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
Compression test this morning. The test itself is no bother, but after having a sort of ok day yesterday, I'm back to panic again this morning.

In initial testing for breast cancer, they give you this rating. a 4 means 20% probability, 5 a 95% probability. (They don't know for sure until the biopsy, so....)

I finally got radiology to tell me it's a 4 which gave me some hope yesterday, but lost it again this morning. Maybe they say that to everyone.

I can't forget the slim chances that I am at the biopsy stage (only 10% return for more tests after a mammogram, then of that group 10% get a biopsy after that and here I am...) and that they keep checking BOTH sides.


At least I got pro-active and made an appt with my PCP for this Friday since I'm not really hearing anything from her.

The staff is, well gruff, and I don't know if the Doc office is SUPPOSED to be telling me anything at this point or???

Another test result (for colon cancer) came in to the Doc office and I have not heard from them.

The last time I was there the Doc wanted a blood test, but again, that was last month. Not a word about that.

She put me on meds for very high blood pressure and they work SO good, my BP is quite low now (from 135/110 to 110/65). Shouldn't that be checked or adjusted or whatever???

I had to keep calling and going in to get my xanax refill and radiology requisition paper for these breast tests.

I've been uninsured so long, I don't know what to expect but isn't the office staff supposed to be doing something about these issues????

Is this normal or is the office incompetent???

Ugh, I remember Mom had to keep switching Doctors for similar issues. But I am in the middle of these tests, so do not want to switch until the biopsy results come in. The Doc is wonderful, but if her staff is doing nothing, I never see her..

Stress, worry, being left in the dark, just another typical day in my life :(

As always thanks for a place to let me vent....

Post Edited (My Anxiety Life) : 5/21/2014 6:31:55 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/21/2014 1:44 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning,

First of all, thank you for your kind words.............I am sorry to know that you lost your parents and brother so you understand how quickly life can change.  Remember we do not know what tomorrow will bring so guessing makes us anxious as our mind gets caught up in the spinning thoughts.

I will share with you that I am a nurse and a dang good one so I have been told for 35years but I am also a patient and I have learned to be my own best advocate............I have had many occasions when I have had to call the clinic for test results, missing RX that I was told were going to be mailed to the Pharmacy ETC.  I do my best not to get aggressive but there have been  times when I have wanted to ring somebody's  neck.  Part of who I am as a nurse is a patient advocate so I expect professional behavior from others. Do not worry if the staff gets upset but call when you need your info and you know it is available.

I also lost my Dad, 2 sisters, 1 brother, all my Aunts and uncles to cancer as well as some of my own generation cousins to cancer.  My dear cousin, Lori ( 50 years old) is in end stage ovarian cancer.  She has pushed everyone away and my heart cries for her to see her isolate so deeply but it is her way of coping.

I also experienced the greatest loss a Mother can have - I lost my 21 year old son to a car crash - I never had the chance to say one more time, "I love you".

You have plenty to feel anxious about and in no way am I negating the horrible anxiety this whole situation is causing you.............but being told your a "4" was positive news.

Let your feelings out, cry, yell, and if your angry throw paper plates as china plates make a heck of a mess to clean up and are expensive. turn Your feelings belong to you and trying to keep them bottled up make you feel more anxious.

Keep on talking with us here and know support is important to healing.

June 2nd I have a lab draw which is a production when you have a Power Port so we will think of each other as we both await the results of our individual tests.

You made a comment in one of your posts, " death is already knocking on your door".  I would like to change that to Cancer does not knock on your door, "it blasts it's way through and dares you to beat it !" In a moment of calm I recognize that we all have health scares our whole life but when you least expect it your are being told you have a bad nasty colon cancer tumor that is going to try to take your life so you fight.

I truly feel that your biopsy is going to be negative...............praying for you.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

 

Posted 5/21/2014 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
stkitt

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to both read and respond compassionately to my post.

And I am so sorry to hear that you too know what it's like to lose so much family AND deal with facing what you are facing. I've googled, there isn't much out there about accepting our own demise. I read Elizabeth K. Ross' book when I was a teen but still, I guess there are no answers.

My father got colon cancer in the 1977 and had a radical colostomy, so I saw what he went through. Back then treatment was a bit roughshod. He never had chemo, not sure why, they said it was bad.

I'm sorry about your dear cousin too, and my god to lose a son! My heart aches for you terribly. Children, our future. I'm so sorry (((hugs))) And not to say "good bye" is a pain no one should know, ever.

But how do YOU deal with your fears, anxiety and being in the place where you have to face what we all do, but fear the most???? I watch movies like Harold and Maude, and the character Maude was so matter-of-fact about death, and in control of it too, and yet I thought I could be, but so far? I'm falling apart at the idea of it. Like a wussy.

I suppose for me, it's also the fear of being made penniless, growing up poor, being poor caring for my folks (and Id do it again in a heartbeat, to keep them out of nursing homes, my Mom a CNA, she know what they were like), getting the least insurance coverage, not thinking I might need expensive treatment, now I have two tremendous fears. I know what they'll tell me: If it's too expensive, spend down, lose everything you worked for, have no retirement money and get on welfare. That's what they told my Dad and Mom and they had good insurance.

Anyways my Dear, I really wanted to talk to you, not about me, and thank you, and tell you I wish I could do something magic for you to make things better. I would if I could, except to say you are a fighter, it's obvious.

And yes, I must remember to keep on top of my own medical stuff, it was easier when I did it for family. I understand how hard it is for them, BUT I work customer service too, I would NEVER allow someone waiting on critical results to wait..... And I am never ever anything less than professional with my clients, so I get frustrated at the incompetence.

Hugs my Dear, I wish how I wish I could take away all your pain....

Do you use meds to help you cope if I may ask? Anything else? Do you come to an acceptance? Do you sit in panic a lot? If this is too personal, please don't answer....
Posted 5/22/2014 1:22 PM (GMT 0)
I hope it's ok to keep a thread going, or is it better to start a new one? This is mostly just a conversation with myself, don't know if anyone will benefit, I hope so, when it comes to the real fear of possibly having a REAL health issue (not just fearing one).

It helps me in the mornings to come here to write, because I wake with the immediate fear flooding my belly that

"I might have cancer!!!!! omg Noooo let this be another nightmare"

... and to have to process and manage that fear all day long that gets to me. It's exhausting.

I had that same feeling when my close family died in a short period of time, and for 5 years woke every morning to the realization: "omg it's true! My family is dead!". I spent 5 years in a panic from that, sleeping 4-5 hrs a night (excuse me if I repeat myself) knowing I had to rely on myself. NO ONE was there to get support from anymore, NO ONE was there to hug me when I was scared. NO ONE was going to care for me the way my family did. And they don't. So far, by extraordinary effort on my part, I have pushed through that nightmare only to be at yet another....

Now this.

Compression test yesterday which was simply another mammogram on one side, more "compression" to get a better view.

When I ask, and believe me, I am as kind and gentle as I can be to tech staff, not a raving patient. I know they deal with all sorts of angry confused frightened people all day.... But I want answers too.

The radiology techs all say "I don't know anything, I just take the photos, but try not to be worried, this is your first mammogram so they have nothing to compare it too"

But when I mention they are also doing a biopsy with is rare, they just kind of go silent. I guess they can't tell me anything and I am grasping for any hope I can glean anywhere.

A second appointment with my PCP tomorrow since they are not doing anything in that office for me unless I bug and bug them. I guess we forever have to make things happen and do other peoples work for them in these situations. *sigh*

And I am as nice, friendly and sympathetic to the surly gals in the Docs office as i can, trying my best to get them to relax and warm up with me and MAYBE just MAYBE treat me like a human and not just another annoyance.

Without the biopsy done or results yet, I don't know what my Doc can do or tell me, but she had a biopsy on her breast recently so maybe, fingers crossed, she will be wonderful and sympathetic and maybe have SOME info that is encouraging.

It's not even the cancer, it's the cost of treatment that terrifies me too. I know, I keep saying these things, but I don't know what else to do but express these fears here, in my journal, and to a couple friends who can only be expected to take so much of this from me (I know it's a downer and a drag for others to hear).

I spend a lot of time googing, NOT looking for "Dr Google" stuff that adds to my fear, but things like "Managing your fear of having cancer" stuff like that. Most articles are pretty much useless, but it gives me the feeling I have some control over my situation and hope of at least making myself stop being eaten alive with fear as I have been so much of my life.

I get so weary of terror ruling my world.

So I appreciate just being able to say these things "out loud".

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Post Edited (My Anxiety Life) : 5/22/2014 7:25:07 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/22/2014 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
MAL, I could just shake myself as I wrote a great post to you and lost it.............grrr.  Big breath and I will do it again because I can. You are welcome to continue posting in your thread here as long as you want and should it one day become to long, we will start you a Part 2.  We have more than one thing in common, we both have anxiety, have experienced losses and love coming here in the mornings to touch base with the others here in the forum.  I find it very comforting to sit down and put my thoughts on "so called" paper.  I find it delightful to see you here in the mornings. My daughter and I have always wondered about heaven since Todd died and even though we are believers in our God we are human and the doubts trickle in as it is just so hard to imagine heaven. There is a movie out, Heaven Is Real and my daughter wants the 2 of us to go to the movie. She knows how scared I can be when the tests, outcomes ETC continue to show my cancer creeping along that she is looking for someway to help me feel less fear. The movie is based on the true story of a 4 year old. It cannot hurt and anything that can help me believe I will try at this time. Remember  mammography can identify an abnormality that looks like a cancer, but turns out to be normal. This "false alarm" is called a false positive. Besides worrying about being diagnosed with breast cancer, a false positive means more tests and follow-up visits, which can be stressful. According to the American Cancer Society, about 10% of women ( 1 in 10 ) who have a mammogram will require more tests. Only 8-10% of these women will need a biopsy, and about 80% of these biopsies will turn out not to be cancer. It’s normal to worry if you get called back for more testing.  I know it sucks to be one of the 8% who need further testing but remember the mammogram only identifed an abnormality - it did not identify a positive cancer. My CT identified a large cancerous colon tumor, however, my next department was the GI lab where my biopsy was performed and that was the proof positive that I did have cancer. My heart breaks for you when I read, "NO ONE was there to get support from anymore, NO ONE was there to hug me when I was scared."  Bless you and I am sending a great big warm virtual hug. Many mornings I have cried because I have no family except my own hubby and children.  I also get mad at my sisters for dying on me when I had always been there for everyone and they went and left me.  The two of them bailed on me within a 17 month time frame.  I may never understand why I was left without someone to hug me and say hey, I am here for you - don't worry but, I do accept it now. I know what you mean by customer service.................it should come from everyone that is in the business of serving people but hopefully we will only meet up with the ones that are trying. Glad to read you are seeing your Dr. tomorrow and do ask him why the biopsy and what was seen on your mammogram.  Also tell him for your own peace of mind you need the results ASAP.  Remember you know others are in the same boat but this is about you right now and it is important to you. Now let me put a smile on your face.........I have a 90 lb solid mass of muscle named Memphis.  He is an international champion show dog retired now and he is my therapy dog.  He is a Doberman.  However he thinks he is a lap dog  and when I have a melt down into tears and sit right down on the floor he always comes running and tries to sit in my lap.  Usually it is just his head, neck and two front legs are all that make it but he is there and he never asks me, "What's wrong now?" If you don't have a pet and are able to look into getting one.  They are great therapy. Email me if you feel you want specific questions answered.  My email is open here in the forum. Semi truck loads of good wishes and hugs.   *´¨)   ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)   (¸.•´ (¸.•`, Kitt  
Posted 5/22/2014 5:51 PM (GMT 0)
M.A.L.

I am sending encouaraging thoughts and prayers your way today.:)

I do hope that your doctor is able to give you some reassuance tomorrow about your biopsy.

Let us know how it goes, okay?

S.C.
Posted 5/23/2014 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Oh stkitt, (thank you for rewriting you kind message). . . you bring tears to my eyes. I just find it so amazing, that you come here to comfort others when you are fighting so hard, getting little good news, seeing so many here have anxiety for illnesses they don't have, when you DO. That can't be easy. That has to be the hardest thing. I know helping others helps you too, but this must be so hard at times.

That fear, it's real, there is no way to deny it when those awful tests keep coming back with bad news. I so sorry. Faith, yes I am happy you believe, I hope it brings you as much comfort as possible, doubts aside. My Mom, had some very wise advice for me, I will pass this one on. She said:

"Some days all you can do to get through that day, is to take it hour by hour or minute by minute, or second by second. And if you have you have made it through that day, you have succeeded."


I don't know if that helps much, but I think of this often during stressful days.

How hard to fight and fight for life. How I wish I had some magic words for you, a solution for you. And hugs back, facing these things alone or with family are no less stressful.

I knew when my brother died that I would have to hold my own hand when it comes to my time. I have another brother, but... The good one died, the bad one lived. Story of my life. Allow your husband and children to comfort you as much as possible. Glad your daughter helps to make you feel better in every way she can. As my Mom used to say, "Parting is just temporary, I will be in your heart and with you always". She had a strength I wish I had! I lost myself when I lost my family.

And yes, I have a buddy, a cat who has been with me through a lot, 15 years, almost lost him a few years ago, but he's here helping me smile.

When I lost Mom and my bro in 11 months time, I also lost 4 pets during that time. Two of mine, and Moms and my bros pets. Heartbreaking.

Thank you stkitt for all your support, I thank you for all your words....... How I wish I had those magic words for you....



I see my Doctor today.

My Doctor is a woman who I was told by her staff that she had a breast biopsy not long ago, so fingers crossed she will understand my EXACT fears, reassure me somewhat and be able to tell me more.... Like the bi-rad number I have is 4, but 4-what? a, b, c? And how "bad" is the "thing" they found... The "asymmetrical mass" indicated on one paper I saw. Cysts are NOT asymmetrical... Whew, the panic in my belly right now it really something just thinking about it all... I am sure if she makes me come in for the results, if it's my worst fear, I will faint dead away, or throw up or something. Ugh...

I'll talk to her about my panic attacks but I am afraid to push asking for more xanax... She told me not to be afraid to take them, but skip days so I don't get an addiction, but I have to take them almost every day, and now more than ever. I try to only take it in the morning when I wake in a panic.


And Scaredy Cat, you are so kind, I see how every time someone new posts, you always tell them you are sorry for their anxiety or pain. I know they appreciate that, I do!!! I hope your days are better and from what I read, sounds like you have a good hold on your anxiety. I hope so.


Onward and upward. As always, thank you for letting me post.
Posted 5/23/2014 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
M.A.L.,

I am sending thoughts and prayers your way as you see your doctor today.

I wish for you much calm and reassurance as a result of talking with her!

Let us know how it goes when you can okay?

S.C.

P.S.. Thank you for the kind words, but funny thing is? I get way more out of volunteering here than I could ever put in! :)
Posted 5/23/2014 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Morning MAL,

I am running late today as my niece had a total thyroidectomy yesterday for papillary thyroid cancer  - if you have to have cancer this is the one that will almost always spare your life and you won't need chemo for.  Once she is healed a bit she will be taking a pill form of radiation but no chemotherapy. She is just 38 years old with a 19 year old and a 2 year old girl.  Both girls are beautiful.

I am hoping she can come to MN the weekend of Father's Day and spend some girl time with her Aunty M.

Finely woke up this morning to a hubby who is in a better mood which just makes the world of difference in my world.  My daughter arranged for the car detail man to pick up my car this afternoon to simonize the outside of my car and shampoo carpets etc.

I will be sitting right here waiting to see what your Dr. has to share with you today. I am terribly sorry this is so dang rough for you and want you to know I would be there with you if I could.

Your Mother was a very wise lady and taught you much as you were growing up and here we thought our Moms just liked to talk but they were sharing wisdom with us. blush

Just focus on getting home to share with us today and remember to stay in the moment, hope the sun is shining where you are.  It is finally shining here in MN.

Love and Hugs,

Kitt

 

Posted 5/23/2014 9:02 PM (GMT 0)

stkitt said...
MAL,
I could just shake myself as I wrote a great post to you and lost it.............grrr. Big breath and I will do it again because I can.

You are welcome to continue posting in your thread here as long as you want and should it one day become to long, we will start you a Part 2.

We have more than one thing in common, we both have anxiety, have experienced losses and love coming here in the mornings to touch base with the others here in the forum. I find it very comforting to sit down and put my thoughts on "so called" paper. I find it delightful to see you here in the mornings.

My daughter and I have always wondered about heaven since Todd died and even though we are believers in our God we are human and the doubts trickle in as it is just so hard to imagine heaven. There is a movie out, Heaven Is Real and my daughter wants the 2 of us to go to the movie. She knows how scared I can be when the tests, outcomes ETC continue to show my cancer creeping along that she is looking for someway to help me feel less fear. The movie is based on the true story of a 4 year old. It cannot hurt and anything that can help me believe I will try at this time.

Remember mammography can identify an abnormality that looks like a cancer, but turns out to be normal. This "false alarm" is called a false positive. Besides worrying about being diagnosed with breast cancer, a false positive means more tests and follow-up visits, which can be stressful.

According to the American Cancer Society, about 10% of women (1 in 10) who have a mammogram will require more tests. Only 8-10% of these women will need a biopsy, and about 80% of these biopsies will turn out not to be cancer. It’s normal to worry if you get called back for more testing. I know it sucks to be one of the 8% who need further testing but remember the mammogram only identifed an abnormality - it did not identify a positive cancer.

My CT identified a large cancerous colon tumor, however, my next department was the GI lab where my biopsy was performed and that was the proof positive that I did have cancer.

My heart breaks for you when I read, "NO ONE was there to get support from anymore, NO ONE was there to hug me when I was scared." Bless you and I am sending a great big warm virtual hug.

Many mornings I have cried because I have no family except my own hubby and children. I also get mad at my sisters for dying on me when I had always been there for everyone and they went and left me. The two of them bailed on me within a 17 month time frame. I may never understand why I was left without someone to hug me and say hey, I am here for you - don't worry but, I do accept it now.

I know what you mean by customer service.................it should come from everyone that is in the business of serving people but hopefully we will only meet up with the ones that are trying. [img]/community/emoticons/cool.gif[/img]

Glad to read you are seeing your Dr. tomorrow and do ask him why the biopsy and what was seen on your mammogram. Also tell him for your own peace of mind you need the results ASAP. Remember you know others are in the same boat but this is about you right now and it is important to you.

Now let me put a smile on your face.........I have a 90 lb solid mass of muscle named Memphis. He is an international champion show dog retired now and he is my therapy dog. He is a Doberman. However he thinks he is a lap dog and when I have a melt down into tears and sit right down on the floor he always comes running and tries to sit in my lap. Usually it is just his head, neck and two front legs are all that make it but he is there and he never asks me, "What's wrong now?"

If you don't have a pet and are able to look into getting one. They are great therapy.

Email me if you feel you want specific questions answered. My email is open here in the forum.

Semi truck loads of good wishes and hugs.
 

Kitt


Something much more troubling than false positives is overdiagnosis that affects somewhere between 25-50% of women who get mammograms. Few women understand it and the screening industry, including the American Cancer Society, downplay its significance and use misleading concepts, misguiding women about the true reality of mammography ( read through this: http://www.supplements-and-health.com/mammogram.html ).

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 5/24/2014 11:07:44 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/24/2014 6:21 PM (GMT 0)
Fleur2

 

Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  The first question I am going to ask you  - are you and  Rolf Hefti one and the same person.

 

MAL has been experiencing much anxiety over her upcoming biopsy and we have been doing our best to help her through this test.

 

I appreciate your information re the study and I do understand your point. Evidence-based medicine is use of the currently available best evidence in making clinical decisions for individual patients.

 

Decisions about who to treat, which drug to use, how best to monitor, and how long to treat require clinical skills in addition to knowledge of medical research. It also involves the informed consent of a patient.  For each article in favor of a procedure you will find one that is against the procedure.  This is where we, the patients, must be our own best advocates.

Thank you for the info and I wish you peace.

Kitt

Posted 5/24/2014 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
MAL,

I am missing you today and hoping all is well.  I am right here if you need someone to listen while you vent or cry.  The waiting is tough.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

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