Haven't posted in awhile. Maybe long sorry

I haven't posted on here in awhile. I found a group on Facebook that has others with my phobia. So as an update I have quit taking my medications other than klonopin for my attacks. I was so tired of feeling set back from the side effects. My last medication made me feel like I wanted to do self harm and I fell into Great Depression. I told my doctor what I was going through and he just told me to increase my dose which just made those feelings worse. So I tapered myself off. I missed my last appt with him but I'm so tired of trying new pills. I don't want to keep taking them.

Another reason I haven't been posting anywhere is because I think my husband has been spying on me because he'll throw stuff in my face that I've said and I know he couldn't have heard unless he read anything of mine. But right now I just don't care.

I can't say not being medicated has helped me or not helped me. But I do know it has made me see and feel things that may have been masked by medication. I'm falling into depression because I'm unhappy. Me and my husband fight a lot over dumb things. Which I'm tired of. We both feel alone together. For me it's because he spends so much time staring at his phone, working on his motorcycle, or watching tv or sleeping. We never talk about anything that matters and if we do it becomes a fight. I feel like he puts me down a lot because I don't do things like he would so he's always telling me what I don't do and what he's tired of doing. I feel like I do my best which is all I can do. He doesn't understand or realize how hard it is to be home with kids everyday. To never have time to yourself. To constantly have to do something. The only time I get to myself is maybe running to the store. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to but my kids, him and my dad. I can't just lay around the house. It drives me crazy so I spend a lot of time cleaning because I can't stay still. It upsets him because I don't want to lay on the couch with him while he plays with his phone. A couple months back we admitted to eachother that we weren't happy. He told me to kick rocks as usual. I can honestly say he does this every 3-4 months. This time I looked him in the face and said I'm not leaving. He asked me if he should leave and I told him I didn't care what he did. We spent 4 days avoiding eachother. Till he decided we should stay together. We both cried and I thought all would be good. But it's not. He irritates me more and more. We still don't talk. He still spends his time the same way. We rarely have sex and when we do it's not enjoyable. He's drinking more. I'm just done. When we decided to stay together I felt sad because we been together for 10 years. I'm scared to be out among the single people. I won't mind being single. I want to be. But I know it will hurt to see him with someone else at first. And I'm pretty sure he'd find someone fast just in spite. I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I been holding this in because I don't want him to tell me to kick rocks again. I have a cousin who said I can stay with him. But he has a small house and we both have 3 kids. Plus I don't just want to put myself in someone else's house.

I'm sorry I'm babbling. I've just been holding so much in. I feel like I'm rotting. I'm so depressed and so unhappy with my life right now.

Thanks SC.
I was going to call them today but got busy around the house and forgot. I've had a lot on my mind and have been through hell lately. I was dealing with our issues. Shortly after I wrecked my vespa taking a turn to fast and wide and side swiped the curb and flew off. Had whiplash for awhile then discovered I also had a concussion. I been so stressed out lately I've barely been eating and when I do eat it hurts and makes me feel unwell which of course feeds my anxiety.

But like I said. Now that I'm not bulked up on psych meds I have a clearer head. We've always had a bad relationship. I've always put my kids first and constantly try to protect them from him. He's not physically abusive. But the way he talks to them and treats them hurts them. My youngest gets gold treatment from him but he's only 3.

I've tried to leave many times but he manipulates and makes me feel like I have to stay. Or I feel bad and stay. I've been unhappy for a long time. I can't get over things he's done to me in the past. I've been to therapy for it many times but he doesn't believe in it. He's told so many lies I don't know what the truth is. I can tell when he's lying or hiding something but of course he denies anything and everything. He even tried to cover up stuff I had proof of.

My older kids aren't happy. And that hurts me. When he gets onto them and I think it was too harsh I'll flat out say something right there but then we fight because I undermined him in front of the kids. I get in trouble like a kid for comforting my kids. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a place. My parenting is always wrong and scrutinized. Seems like I'm only good if I agree with him. Which I don't anymore. I use to hold it all in. Now I don't care. I don't care about any of it. I'm here to care for the kids, clean the house, do the laundry, take care if the animals, etc.

It all makes me hate my life. And now that I'm not on anything to mask all that. I feel it all and I see it. I hate it.

I know it'll affect my 3 yr old in some way if we split. But I can't go on like this forever. Same thing over and over. Same fight. Same reaction. Same outcome. It's like were on a wheel that never stops. Were both unhappy. I honestly don't know why he wants me to stick around. I'm sure it's the kids and a control issue.

I have no idea who he is anymore. He constantly changes. I can't keep up. I left him a long time ago for his drinking problem. He promised to quit so we got back together. I always smelled alcohol but he denied drinking. A couple years later it was my dad who told me he was still drinking eventhough deep down I knew. I found out when he was at work where he told me he couldn't leave. He was going to bars, pubs, pool halls, concerts, restaurants, and oriental massage places. I found out about the girls he was talking to at work when he never had time to call me in the week he was gone. All the picture messages he was sending and receiving from girls that he deleted. I saw them in the phone bill. I called everyone. And yes they were all girls. The emails he sent to an ex girlfriend who was still in love with him and talked crap about me and he never defended me. He denies it all. Even at the time I had proof. After finding out about all those girls I was going to leave. But that's when my mom died and I got pregnant. I wasn't in my right mind. I went from all that to after having the baby being constantly heavily medicated.

Now I'm not and I'm ready to do what should have been done a long time ago. But I'm still depressed because I just don't know where to start.

I'm just so depressed. I've also just been a nervous wreck for awhile. My anxiety has my stomach all in knots.

Just the thought of leaving adds to it. But I know deep down it's gotta be done before too much time is wasted. I know many on here most likely don't believe in the other side of spirituality. I'm not a religious person I believe in things beyond this realm. Well anyway. I've had my cards read by 3 different psychics. In short they all have basically pulled the same cards on me. I've gone to another type and they all say I need to get out. One called my husband a dark entity. I sense peoples energies good or bad. When my husband comes home I feel really heavy, the air gets thick and I get nervous. I know I probably sound like a crazy person. I met another lady witch and she told me she sees me bound up.

Now that I made myself sound crazy. Sorry. I've done what I could and he gave an effort to be a better man a little too late. He's not that much better. He just tries to be more affectionate. But I can't anymore. I get so tired of feeling alone. And don't get me started with my mental issues. He has moments when he tries to care. But I typically get sarcasm, ignored or felt dumb over how I feel because of my anxiety and stomach issues.

Thanks Larry. Being in this situation doesn't help my anxiety or depression at all. I want to find myself. We went on a vacation a couple weeks ago and I tried to let loose and have fun but everyone treated me like I was a freak. It was the perfect moment. We were in the hot spring at night. It was pitch black. So I was finding long sticks and poking the kids with it to make them spaz out and get a little spooked. It was so funny. And I was holding my laughter in. Then I was grabbing moss and throwing it up stream so it would brush against them. Well it made everyone mad. I was just trying to have fun for once. I never have fun and sadly my kids never get to see that mom. So they were shocked. My husband was pissed. I was like Seriously!!!! I was just having fun. Only my step son found humor in it :'(