HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

MY MOM IS COMING!

Support Forums
>
Anxiety & Panic Disorders
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 6/20/2014 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
It seems she has been very happy and optimist, and that's fine, because she's going to make a 12 hours trip. She never likes going out and I don't know what'shappening now... And that's good, BUT... I don'twant to make predictions but I know she's going to start criticizing everything, or she's going to start complaining she's not having a nice time or she's going to attack me with her thousand questions to control everything and she will get mad when I don't answer and she will try to blackmail me with her mocking words. I know this because she always dooes this, but let's hope I'm wrong. But what it does bother me alot, is that they made plans about me and my house without including me. My little niece told me she wanted to visit me, and I told my sister not to tell her to come if they were not going to bring her, she said "we are coming to visit you!" And I said what when how ???... And she said everything, and I like the idea, because my brother in law is hgoing to help me to drive (I'm always looking for someone to help me becuaase I dont drive), bu I hate that they dont think they have to tell me about their plans in my house! And then I asked, and when is my brotherinlaw coming (because he's going to usa first and then he's coming to pick us), she said: Idont know. I asked how many days he was going to be there and here, and she said: I dont know. I feel lost and I need to know everything. I didnt ask her directly how many days she and my mom were going to stay because they were going to think I didnt want them to stay for so long, which is true, but I didnt want to sound mean or cold. I hate this, this is my mom, she didnt think it was important me to know everything because "and what's wrong" if I dont know. She always uses that phrase.: "and so? And what's wrong with that?" to justify everything she does. Should I ask her how many days are they going to stay? My mom is very like I dont know, she can take it personal and say then she 's not coming because Im being rude and I dont want her to come. That'sher.
Posted 6/21/2014 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi W.M.

You know something that is great about having an adult relationship with your mom? YOU can set the boundaries and parameters for how you are treated and talked to.

It may seem impossible considering how your relationship dynamic has been in the past...but you can make this next visit a change, and take control of the situation early and completley.

With polite firmness, you can let her know that you won't tolerate disrespectful or manipulative behavior from her in your house if she starts up. You are in control as long as choose to be and assert yourself! ;)

...and yes, you have every right to know when and for how long your guest will be arriving and staying! You have a life and a schedule, and need to be able to plan, so don't feel bad asking for that info...if your family plans of staying with you, rather than a hotel!

I hope that it all goes smoothly...we are here for your support!

S.C.
Posted 6/21/2014 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
WM, I can share in some of these feelings, even though our situations are,....well, kind of the same, kind of different. I've never worked out my issues with my "mother" but inside is all sorts of unresolved anger and conflict because any interaction we've had, as long as I can remember, has been nothing but complaints about me being inadequate, never good enough, never pretty enough, not having a "real job," blah blah blah.

So I've got your back when it comes to having a controlling "mother" who seems to only find peace in making our lives more complicated.

As S.C. mentioned, we can now set boundaries,...being adults. I'm still learning to do this at 51, so it goes to show, there's always time to learn and apply....it's a process!








M.
Posted 6/22/2014 8:05 AM (GMT 0)
That's being manipulative and passive aggressive in my opinion,....

Mind you, no one can "make" us feel anything. That's all us. But for those of us who are super sensitive, those around who want to take advantage of us learn how to hone in on our weakness and exploit us and take advantage.

Ohhhh, the stories I'm sure we could share!








M.
Posted 6/22/2014 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
I feel for you. You do have the right to know who's coming, and for how long. Can you make another phone call whether it be to your mom or sister and say- gee I've been thinking about your visit and I need to get prepared to make sure I have enough sleeping spaces ready, food in the house and make sure I don't schedule any appts, etc. during that time. Who's all coming? How long will you be staying?

I have a mom who manipulates using guilt....
Posted 6/22/2014 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
It saddens me to learn how many of us here (as I'm discovering) have parents who capitalize on subversive forms of emotional blackmail and guilt trips. I understand, intellectually, this can only "happen" if we give permission. No one can "make us feel" anything,....that's all our own doing.

But when a parent is aware that we are uniquely sensitive to this and they repeatedly use this method to infiltrate and upend our lives, time and time again,.....it reminds me why so many of us are here, at this Forum in HW, still traumatized, and still having wounds that get reopened and never get a chance to heal.

I also have a manipulative "mother" but she never, ever confronts me directly. She has lied to my face, boldly I might add,....she's accused me of lying,....she'd believe other people and not me,....and I end up finding out things she's been saying about me through third and sometimes even fourth parties!!

I'm also learning these toxic parents think we'll forget, we don't mind, we don't remember, we'll forever be suckers, and they rely on this. I believe it's vastly underestimated just how far-reaching it is when a parent traumatizes their child,....regardless of our ages when their manipulative behaviour started.

I know I've mentioned it before, but I am 51 and still not healed from things done to me as a very young child.....and I mean toddler age and upwards. Some minds think the very young cannot possibly remember. Let me assure these nay-sayers, that some of us do remember.....as unlikely as that seems,....we know what was done to us.







M.
Posted 6/28/2014 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
I'm wondering if our "mothers" took the same.....(ahem)....parenting classes! Way too many similarities!

My "mother" takes care of her siblings, her nieces and nephews, spends time with them, they all are fond of her.... She never spent time with me, and yes, lied to my face, talked behind my back (as I found out eventually).

I learned to always be guarded and suspicious, to think she (and the world) were out to get me, to use me up, take from me, spit me out, mislead me, lie to me.....sheesh, no wonder I have anxiety!

I am not yet at any point where I can "laugh" with regards to her. To anything about her. But maybe one day?










M.
Posted 6/29/2014 2:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi W.M.

Try not to anticipate how your Mom is going to act but instead practice being assertive.  Remember this is not something you can learn over night but you can not engage in any battles with her by walking away and not letting her comments push your buttons.

Don't set an agenda but play it by ear and do your outings one day at a time.

Remember she is not moving in.  :-)

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 6/30/2014 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Learn about boundaries. Read books about it. You have a right to set them for yourself.
Posted 6/30/2014 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
WM,

When did your family arrive? 

I understand you do not like your Mom very much but I am wondering if you have any feelings of love toward her.

When we allow someone to continue in a pattern of verbal abuse we are the one that pays the price.  This is where you must set your ground rules and it can be as simple as responding by letting your Mother know the topic she maybe going on about is not one you know much about and remove yourself from the conversation.

If she's being nasty ignore, ignore, ignore its the best course of action.

Sometimes if someone is very toxic the best way forward is no contact. When your family is ready to leave be sure to tell them what part of their visit you liked for example - your niece coming to see you was a good thing.  Let them know if they want to come again you will expect to be consulted to see if it will work for you ...............no guilt as they walk out the door.

There does not appear to be any fair give and take in your relationship with you Mom. A toxic relationship mostly summons exhaustion, hurt and blue feelings with only flashes  of happiness.

The most basic boundary-setting word is no. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you.

I hope you can stop living in the past and take control of your life.  It feels to me like you are obsessing re your Mother when letting go of the past and moving forward is the best road to travel.

Remember we are here to help your learn ways to cope with your anxiety so use us wisely.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

Posted 6/30/2014 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Crazy how many people turned up to reply to this post...How many of us have "Mother Issues"? My mother is 85 and has moderate dementia and LIVES with me part time! She can still turn the guilt trip on without any hesitation "Are you going to read that book ALL NIGHT?!" which means, Pay attention to ME! I finally put the book down.
I will be 63 this summer and still find it difficult to stand up to her --- HOWEVER, I do it anyway sometimes, and it makes me laugh. The advantage I have is that my mother is basically incapacitated so cannot get up and walk, or chase after me...I can just walk away (LOL) Over all, I'm happy to still have a mother. I think we are working through past issues, and that is good.
Just for the record, she too had anxiety issues when we were young - I remember her taking "nerve pills" that the doctor ordered. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


Best of luck - I'm sure the worrying is the worst part.
Posted 6/30/2014 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
WM,

I know that I've said it to you before, but I've also experienced a toxic relationship with my "mother," and I'm just coming to terms with it now. I stuffed it down until now! I'm 51 and just *now* starting to figure stuff out?

People like us do need to learn about boundaries. She never had them with me. She's also similar in that any move towards a life that isn't traditionally mainstream (but cut-throat capitalism) is, to her, a sign of rebellion and by association, must be "wrong."

In other words, the underlying message is: BE LIKE ME (or you're not worth it)...

We do NOT have to bow to them. We CAN step out of the shadows. (Sorry for all the shouting, but this is a tender topic, one that elicits lots of passion and emotion).

Keep us updated....







M.
Posted 7/1/2014 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
WM,

stkitt said,"Remember we are here to help your learn ways to cope with your anxiety so use us wisely."

I am sorry you did not understand my comment so I will explain. 

We ( your peers and friends in the Anxiety Forum) are here to care and share what has helped us with anxiety as well as to suggest new ways for your to try  to cope with your anxiety.

Instead of signing off with a comment such as, "stick with us" I used, "use us wisely" which is an old phrase people use to point out we are here for you so make use of us as you deal with your anxieties.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply