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Good day turns into nightmare

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Posted 9/21/2014 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
Even though I have had a few off days they have been much better days than a few weeks ago. Unfortunately sometimes I allow the problems that I know are effecting me to continue, and just really take a lot of abuse from my daughter.

Last night was truly a turning point for me and my son, me and my son had been at my moms all day watching my grandchildren, then I helped her with some computer issues.

When I got home my daughter wasn't here, but being I was up at like 4:30 am yesterday, I was laying down when she came home. At first things were fine, she was crying so I got up and asked her was she okay, she told me what she was going through and I hugged her and let her cry, she flipped the switch right away and got on her facebook, then came into my room demanding me to let her borrow money, I refused, she screamed yelled had me basically trapped in my bed, was punching my bed, my son just came in and stood behind her, I told him before if anything ever happens to just go in his room and call 911, and he did, his presence of mind was awesome, I started having chest pains and couldn't breath, so when the police came, so did the ambulance, after the police basically took my report, the paramedics came in, my b/p was elevated, and my ekg was a little off, but they said it was nothing to worry about if I didn't want to go to the hospital and it gets worse to call them.

So my daughter is out and it will be time for me and my son to heal from the tormenting we have been through, she did make some threatening remarks to me, but left before the police came, all they basically did was give me a domestic abuse hand book and told me to call if she shows back up for her stuff.

She did show up this morning, and I didn't even have time to call, she barged in my door and just went off on me, again threatening me and other things that I won't get into.

But she is out of my home, and I believe even though I am panicky today this will be only a positive thing for me and my son. I love my daughter dearly, but no one should ever live the way we have had to live, she is 27 years old and I can't help her anymore, because she doesn't really want help she just wants someone to take advantage of.

I know this a long post, but thank you for listening.
Posted 9/21/2014 2:56 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Breandaboo, that is a lot to deal with! I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Sometimes with someone that is abusive, even if it is your own daughter, the best thing to do is to let them do their own thing and take care of yourself. You should not have to live like that!

I hope she gets her life together and that you are able to not feel guilty for standing up for yourself. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her own life. Hugs!
Posted 9/21/2014 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
I have a twin sister who does this to my mom. She has put my mom (and the whole family) through a living hell. My mom is raising my sisters two kids.... It's an ugly situation.

Tough love is in order. Cut her out completely until she can respect you. If you have to get a restraining order then so be it. Your health and state of mind is just too important and you need to be healthy so you can finish raising your son.

I know this is hard but you deserve better!!!! Demand respect!!!! You're the mother!!!

Sending prayers and hugs your way! Keep us posted.
Posted 9/21/2014 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so very sorry you are having to go thru this. You did the right thing, I hope you stick to it I know it's hard because she is your daughter and you love her. She is so disrespectful towards you that she deserves tough love right now. Hugs.
Posted 9/21/2014 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
My friend Brenda-

I too am sorry for the dramatic and scary evening last night. Sometimes I think it literally takes something shocking for us/people, to bottom out to make the changes we've avoided bc we hadn't hit rock bottom.

God bless your son for having the presence of mind to do what was right. Your daughter cannot be trusted. She could easily hurt or kill someone in these rages. It scares me to say that but it's the truth. She cannot be trusted right now.

Until she gets the help she needs, she should not be anywhere near you or your family. She's a danger to herself and others. That's a fact and cannot be ignored.

Please consider asking the landlord for the locks to be changed ASAP.

By banning her from your life right now doesn't mean you're abandoning her. It means you are respecting yourself, protecting you & your son & frankly, protecting her from going to prison for harming you or your son.

We love & support you. I pray for strength for you today to do what needs to be done.

Love,

Lisa
Posted 9/21/2014 4:02 PM (GMT 0)
BDB,

Great advice and support by all above...I will  just add my own encouragement...

I am so sorry, and my heart breaks for you.:( I know how difficult this must be as a mother.

I am sending you my support and encouragement that you are doing the hard, but right thing.

You have yourself and your younger son to think about...and you can help troubled yound adults, such as your daughter, best by letting them find their own way. Continued taking of the abuse is simply not constructive to her, or healthy for you and her brother.

We are here for you, surrounding you with much love and care. Please let us know how you are doing soon.

S.C.

Posted 9/21/2014 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you every one, I'm just thankful it is over and me and my son can now move on, some times when you enable some one too much it can be a bad thing, I usually only gave in to avoid a confrontation, but last night I stuck to my word and refused to give her any more money. Some children even at 27 years old feel a sense of entitlement, and that is not how things work.

Thank you for your support, and does mean a lot. I feel like I got ran over by a train today, but holding up really good.
Posted 9/22/2014 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
More hugs and high fives Brendaboo!!

We are here for you...take is easy and let your system recover from the extreme mental and physical stressors of yesterday.

Healing and restorative thoughts and prayers,

S.C.
Posted 9/22/2014 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
my prayers are with you
Posted 9/22/2014 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Brenda,
I hope that you will have the strength to keep her out of your home/life unless she REALLY changes her ways!
I have a friend that has a son just a year or so older than your daughter. He is a master manipulator. Because of him, she agreed to move out of her low-rent apartment and move in with him and his wife and her grandbaby, so that they could afford to rent this place they wanted to move into. Her dachshund had recently went blind, but was familiar with the apartment she lived in, but her son said the dog could not live in the new place. So she put the poor dog to sleep!
She moved in along with them into the new place and started paying half the rent and utilities. She bailed him out of some financial difficulties, which ran into close to $2000. (She probably has done more than this, but is embarrassed to tell all!)
He had used the ploy that, as she is getting older, he and his wife would be able to "take care of her" and "look after her". As time passed, things went from bad to worse. His wife wouldn't even let her see the grandbaby. He went along with it. They went house hunting behind her back. She only found out about it because his wife's aunt told her. They were going to buy a house and move out without giving her any warning. Anyhow, they left her high and dry. After a few months, she found a tiny apartment, but it costs more than the low-rent apt. did. She's not allowed to see her grandchild still. Now she's on a waiting list to get back into low-cost housing.
This is a woman who is 65 years old and cleans houses to supplement her small social security check. Her son is a policeman...what a sad irony! He's a user and an abuser!
What bothers me is that I know that it wouldn't take too much of his manipulating to get her right back under his thumb again! So when I read about your situation, I thought of her!
Please be careful! Don't be one who can't see the forest for the trees! Like I've told my friend, sometimes when we love someone, we have to use "tough love" as it's the best kind in certain situations.
Take care and I wish you the very best!
janet
Posted 9/22/2014 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
Please be careful! Don't be one who can't see the forest for the trees! Like I've told my friend, sometimes when we love someone, we have to use "tough love" as it's the best kind in certain situations.
Take care and I wish you the very best!

Janet is so right Brenda !

Look at my plight ,horrible life without anything to hold on to ~sick and tired of all~be careful and safe !

Take one day at a time,we all are with you on this forum ,keep us posted !

all healing hugs and prayers to you and your son~
Posted 9/22/2014 11:50 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you again all, and Janet I totally can relate, I do live in low-income apartments and they are very strict on having someone here that is not on your lease, when she called the last time to come stay with me just one night because she was in a bad place, the empathy I have went into overdrive and my reasoning went out the door.

My daughter literally will brag that she is a "master manipulator", and I tell her that is nothing to be proud of, why would she do what she does to people with no remorse or care, if you look up the word "sociopath" they should put a picture of her, she fits it to a T. Her parting words to me yesterday was that she is turning me in to the place I live, which would mean me and her brother would be on the streets, that is just how heartless she is, hopefully she won't and she really didn't live here, I just couldn't get her to leave, I didn't want the police involved, but again my son knew what he needed to do, and did it.

I can honestly say, with the exception of feeling emotionally drained and my post anxiety attacks that it feels good here now, the negative energy that she brought is gone, and my son and I are moving forward.

Funny that you would mention that your friends son wanted her to move and get a bigger place, my daughter she said this to me last week, "It would be awesome if we could get a bigger apartment", in my mind I was thinking it "no it would not"

I do appreciate each one of you and your encouraging thoughts, it is sad when your own daughter is a toxic person in your life, but it happens, and I can love her with all my heart, and I do, but I no longer can be a victim of her addiction, and my son surely doesn't need to be a victim either.
Posted 9/22/2014 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Well said Brenda! It sounds like you got a clear head and you know what you need to do! Your story is so much like my mom and my sister. My sister, though, is addicted to drugs. Somewhere in there really deep is a good person but my sister has allowed this addiction take full control of her life where she truly thinks the world revolves around her.

I have watched her barge into my moms house and demand money. I have seen her steal from her own kids. Every time she came over, she would cause a huge fight and my mom would always end up a nervous wreck.

My mom put up with this for years before she realized that her granddaughters she is raising are the most important thing. She showed my sister some tough love by not allowing her back to the house and I have noticed how much happier she has been.

Keep us posted on this. In the mean time, I want you to know you are in my prayers !

Post Edited (Cornell) : 9/22/2014 6:12:26 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/22/2014 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Cornell, yes it seems as if it the same situation. My daughter is a drug addict as well, and when ever we are a part she will call me and tell me she is clean. because she knows this is what I want to hear, but once I see her I know she is not.

Her addiction has became my addiction, unfortunately I have let her control my life,or she would be having withdrawals, or she would tell me she found something to help her get off the pain pills, the last time it was saboxine?, which she didn't get from a doctor, and that she said would help her, well it didn't or she didn't use it.

I used to think at least if I know where she is I can sleep at night, but even knowing where she is I can't sleep, I have to let her go down this road herself, if you truly want help you don't hang around users, it would be like me as a recovering alcoholic going and sitting in a bar, why would I even do that?

So, I am done enabling her to do the things she does, she is a big girl and if she wants to continue to live how she is living, she will have to do it without me, I will always love her and worry about her, but I can't continue to go through this, and my son needs our home to be peaceful like it always is when she isn't around.
Posted 9/22/2014 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
BDB,

I know that this is very hard...

...your strength is a testament to your love...for your son and your daughter.  You are doing the right thing.

I pray that she finds recovery, and I am keeping you and your son in thought and prayer as well!

S.C.
Posted 9/22/2014 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
I feel so very sorry for you but there comes a point where you have to protect yourself too. When you're dealing with an addict, daughter or not, you never know what they will do. I would suggest that you get a cell phone you keep by your bed and a new lock on your bedroom door so that she can't "barge" in on you. Also, if she starts knocking you can call police and let her be caught in the act. Sometimes addicts like her need a real wakeup call to scare them straight, as they say. After all, I know you love her and want the best for her so tough love is really called for here. Good luck you. Keep us updated and always turn here for support.
Posted 9/23/2014 5:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you S.C and andwes, I will make it, I do feel bad today, a little down, but it is like a grieving process and it will get better, I am really trying to shut out the negative thoughts and be positive.

I believe I have so many emotional scars from how emotionally abusive she was to me, that some times I am amazed that I put up with it, you wonder if people ever stop and really think how degrading it is to be verbally abused, how for a while you feel worthless, you don't want to look at any one because they may see the scarred soul, I think physical abuse heals much quicker than cruel words and it is painful.

So, I do want to think each one of you for listening, sometimes when we are alone and I can't talk to my son about every thing I am going through, it helps to know that someone just cares, and even gives you the time of day, I just wanted everyone to know I do appreciate the time you take to read what people write and even give encouraging words, even those that may just read and not post because they may not have anything else to add....it just helps knowing someone knows how you are feeling.
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