New here really need hope (sorry very long)

Hello everyone. I'm a married mom of three in my thirties who was hit with panic and anxiety about a month ago. I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and was convinced I was having a heart attack. I had had panic attacks about fifteen years prior but nothing like this. I am also very overweight so I was convinced it was my heart. Three trips to the Er and several doctor visits later I began to suspect that it was just anxiety and panic. I still am not sure if there was anything physical there or not but it definitely morphed into non stop anxiety that took over my life. I am currently on a leave of absence from my retail job and am just doing very poorly.

I had gotten to the point that I was constantly having the shakes and rapid heart beat as well as intrusive thoughts that were scaring me. I read and listened to some of Dr. Clarie Weeks' work and that helped quite a bit. I was at the very least able to not fear the fear itself so much. I am seeing a therapist but it has only been twice and she doesn't seem to know a whole lot on the subject.

I am very lucky to be going to Mayo Clinic for an eval next week. My oldest daughter had OCD so severe when she was five years old that she went from normal bright child, to totally non functioning. The doctors there saved her life and completely transformed her without any medication. My daughter turns 13 today and has been in remission if there even is such a thing. What I'm trying to say is that I have faith that if there is any doctor on earth that could help me that I will surely find them at Mayo Clinic. I'm assuming they will have me doing CBT like they did with my daughter.

So right now I am hanging in there but every day is so hard. I haven't had a full blown attack in a week or so but I am nearly constantly filled with all those physical feelings of dread and fear. Of course my mind knows that they aren't necessary but they are still there. It's so much worse when I'm alone during the day when my husband and kids are gone. I don't like to just sit here because then my mind races. However I find myself not able to concentrate on anything meaningful (like my college work) so I'm not able to accomplish much. My favorite time is bedtime because I can put this mind and body to rest for awhile. I've suffered from insomnia my entire life but for some reason I've been able to sleep at night for the last few weeks and thank god for that small favor.

So what I want to know is does anybody every come back from this? I just want to feel like myself again. Me minus all these horrible physical pit in the stomach feelings. I've lost 18 pounds in the last month because the majority of days I can't eat. I have to force myself to eat anything and it usually makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. There have been periods that I've had good days and then they are always followed out of nowhere by bad days. I just want hope that I can really live again instead of just exist by waiting for bedtime like I'm doing now.

I want to get back to work and think it might help but I'm terrified. I only work part time but it's retail and I'm very afraid. I am only on leave till November first so I will have to go back soon. I have been having issues with my marriage that I think I wasn't allowing myself to really feel so they got to me. I also went back to school and I think both of those things were just sort of the straws that broke the camels back. It's just really hard right now feeling like this myself and trying to work on my marriage and school and maybe going back to work when I feel like I'm going insane.

Has anyone went on to lead a normal life? I've come to this message board looking for hope that I cannot seem to find anywhere else. The other boards I've visited are filled with scared newbies like me or those who haven't been able to beat it but not a whole lot from those who have. I'm hoping I'm not finding that because those people are out living their lives instead of posting on message boards? If you made it this far thank you from the bottom of my heart and I appreciate any advice or hope you might have to offer.

Welcome!

Do people come back from anxiety? ABSOLUTELY! Different things help different people, but YES, YES, YES you can be helped. Some people need medication, some people need therapy, some people need time. This is a treatable disorder, though it might not feel like it all the time. When we are feeling helpless and desperate, it sure doesn't feel like we will ever get any better. If you can find just that little bit of hope and build on that, recovery will come.
You will find so many people on this forum that are at all stages. Even people who have recovered and are here to help others do so. The people here are loving and caring and offer such great help.

billybologna, just have to say... funny name there. :) But hey, I just want to say HI, and that I am SO SORRY that you are going through this. I've been where you are, and there was such a hopeless/helpless feeling. I read back through my journals and I constantly worried about my health and whether or not I was going to live or die. I had countless panic attacks. This was back in February.

I can see that you are looking for some sort of hope here, and I just want to say that YES, you can find a relatively normal life with anxiety. The reason I say "with" anxiety is because anxiety is likely a partner for life. The amount of anxiety changes from season to season and it sounds like you have a LOT of anxiety right now, and that's ok, it sounds like you are going through a LOT of very challenging situations.

You have a lot to look forward to though, Mayo clinic is top notch, so congrats on being able to be evaluated there!

Anyway, long story short, I went from not being able to walk up a flight of stairs in February (because of the degree/weight of my anxiety) to now being able to go for short jogs or extremely LONG walks with my family. I even go on weekly 3-4 hour excursions to the zoo with my 2 youngest kids. You can and will get through this.

Give yourself time, support and take it easy on yourself. Don't push yourself too hard, but don't be too complacent either. Keep posting on here too, it has definitely helped on my journey through anxiety.

Take care, and happy birthday to your daughter!

big welcome from me too.

my mantra on the forums and in life is 'slow and steady wins the race'. we care.

i rely on no anxiety /panic medication. just coping skills, mindfulness, music, hw, the odd venting session, helping others on the forum, etc. i am in therapy, this helps big time. healing thoughts to you.

Hi there and welcome,

I feel like I could have almost written your post........very similar. You are not alone...I am up and down like a yoyo trying to work my way through this whilst also trying to hold onto chunks of my life....NOT easy...but hang in there and take it hour to hour....cone here and share it does help that others understand.

Thank you all again SO much! I will definitely be sticking around!