Follow up today - sensitive issue

Just need to know my HW friends are here for me today....I have my first follow up after our D&C and my husband can't join. This makes me anxious for a couple of reasons. The first is that I know I am going to cry at the appointment and impending feelings if sadness make me very anxious and make me want to avoid a situation. The other reason is that my doctor's office is about a 30 minute drive and lately I've been panicking on long drives in the car by myself. My appointment is at 2pm CST and I feel like I'm going to be miserable all day. I have so much I want to talk to my doctor about, but I also just want to have the appointment, keep my mouth shut so I don't cry and get home safely.

I'm sorry you have to go by yourself today. That is really hard, not only the appt, but driving yourself too. I know you can do it though. You've been so brave through all of this, I know you can do this too. Do you have someone that can go with you? I'm in CST too, we'll be on the road to my parents house for the weekend at that time. I'll be thinking of you. Let me know how it goes, ok? I always give myself extra time to drive in case I need to stop for any reason. Give yourself a little time after if you can too to calm down and do some breathing exercises if you are really upset after the appt.

I don't even know what to say. This is just so sad all around. You did make the choice that you had to make, but I definitely understand your grief and mourning. What a hard thing too with your friend. I'm sure that she isn't trying to hurt you, but I can imagine how much that stings. She can't possibly understand the hell you've been through. I barely can and I've dealt with a lot of the emotional/mental things that you have. Cry. I think that is good for you right now. This a devastating thing that you have been through. I'll check in with you as I can through the day.

sending many healing and compassionate thoughts your way.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dear Tired, all we want is for you to get well and be happy!

No one has the right to tell you what they would have done, this is your
life, and it seems to me you put everyone ahead of yourself, Peace

Larry ***

Thanks Larry and Cornell. Larry, I don't know much about your story, but when you pop in, your wisdom just blows my mind. I appreciate it.

Cornell, you are so right. My husband is wonderful. Unfortunately I had a bad day yesterday and did something awful and just laid into him. I was really mean and told him that because he was unsure about having another baby from the get go, he just let my crazy be the reason we didn't have this other baby and I resented him for it. Part of the way I feel seems true to me, but I know that he is an ultimately good/wonderful person and he didn't deserve what I dished out. Ugh. Grief is ugly. Anxiety is ugly. It's amazing what kind of impact it can have on our lives.

Lisa, thank you for your support! I did go to that sight and at first I thought it might be good for me. What I found though was that there at many women who have just had repeat terminations and are supporting each other, which isn't really something I want to be apart of. I did find a section for people who terminated due to maternal health and even a couple women who had almost the exact situation as me, but they were fairly old posts.

I have had a therapist for years, but have decided to switch to a female just because I think that a woman may understand the hormonal turmoil I just went through. I start next Thursday! Fingers crossed!

I've had anxiety and panic for about ten years regularly. I suffered mildly with my last pregnancy, but this was due to IVF frozen embryo transfer hormones. Things became out of control. I take xanax and that's it now. Maybe more soon.

Thank you so much Lisa. I have always been a mix of pro-life and pro-choice, which is why this was so hard for me. I accept a woman's right to choose, but in my head, it was just never a choice I would make. I think I'm also a really rare case, because I doubt there are many women who would endure IVF and then choose termination. I guess the emotions became too much for me. The anxiety of course was bad, but the depression was what scares me even more, because I've never had it before. Every time I imagined life with two babies, I saw this mess of a woman, hyperventilating and crying, possibly being abusive towards the new screaming baby, etc. If you knew me in life, you would know that I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone my child. I was so blinded by the effects of the hormones, on top of my regular panic disorder, that I actually believed I might suffer from PPD and want to hurt my new baby. I never pictured hurting the son I have now...in my visions it was always the new baby. It got to the point that I didn't feel safe alone and I felt scared that I could have feelings that I would harm my own daughter. I had to make a choice and my head had convinced me that I was doing this baby a favor. Already I see that those thoughts were not me. I am filled with regret. But how could I have known? A risk I didn't feel I was willing to take. Anyway....I'm sure that was more info than you were looking for. It just feels good to share what was behind this choice. This group is a safe place for me. I have been to the abortion specific site, but I don't need a bunch of women who have had abortions to tell me they're ok to have. I need the people who understand mental health to understand and that is you guys. I appreciate you all so much.

I so appreciate your prayers. I've asked God to forgive me and I believe in my heart that he has because he knows that I am so remorseful and wish I could take back this choice. Now I just have to forgive myself.

Honestly though, I wish more people felt ok discussing these awful topics. These harmful thoughts, these dark moments of depression, the weight we carry on our shoulders when we are in charge of being caregivers to our children, or our pets or our senior parents, etc. How do we take care of others in a time that we find it hard to take care of ourselves? It's such a battle.

I've been communicating with my fertility doctor because I want him to always remember my experience because it's real and even if maybe I am the first time for him, I may not be the last. Bringing awareness helps prevent future situations from happening. I just want people to learn from me at this point.

Thank you, T. It is so comforting to know that the friends I have here seem to know what's in my heart.

Tonight was rough. Another pregnancy announcement and another reminder that I couldn't handle the task. I guess it comes with my age. Lots of pregnancies. I don't know what I expected.

Thanks, Lisa. It's so hard to distinguish what was me and what was the hormones. It's hard because going into it i definitely suffered from full blown panic disorder, but what happened after the treatment started was definitely not me and I have to remind myself of that constantly.

Thanks, MG. I've actually been feeling to crappy to think about all the sad stuff, because I'm sick! Just trying to keep my distance from my son so he doesn't get it. Even though he seems to handle sickness better than I do! Thanks for being here for me.