Follow up today - sensitive issue

tired- My heart goes out to you. There were times after I had my son that I thought it would be best to give him up or for me to leave because I was such a mess. I can fully understand your feelings. With my oldest daughter I was terrified to have her because I knew my own mental health history and what I went through with my messed up mental family. I was so scared that I would be the way my parents were with me. I understand that fear and wanting to do the best you can. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. I know telling you not to feel guilty won't help but it breaks my heart knowing how you must feel.

Also you are so right about us as a society needing to talk about these issues. My lowest point was a few weeks ago when I felt like I was going insane. I didn't know what was going on with me or what was going to happen. I felt like I was out of control and felt afraid to be alone with my kids. It started off just being afraid I'd have a panic attack and freak out around them. Then it went to me thinking about all the horror stories we've all seen on TV about women who lost it and hurt or killed their children. I KNEW I wasn't capable of this but I was terrified that my mind could even think I might be. That alone convinced me that I was losing it and couldn't be trusted. Honestly I don't even like posting this now. I'm still not comfortable talking about it to my therapist. I'm afraid that someone will think that I could be capable of that when I know I'm not. It's as if even the mere thoughts are too much to bear.

You cannot imagine the relief I felt when I read and listened to some of Dr. Claire Weekes' work and she talked about this. She actually said it was one of the most heard things from women she worked with. It was like the biggest weight in the world was lifted from me. I think I also posted here about it as well and someone said our minds tricks us into going to the worst of the worst places. It's like it knows what scares us the most and this was exactly it. I'm sure that this is what was happening to you and there is no shame in that. We do the best we can. You made this choice out of love and that is all anyone could ask for. If you were a selfish person you would only have thought of yourself but you didn't.

I wish I had words that could help you heal. You sound like a wonderful person who deserves a happy life. Don't deny your self the chance to have that life even though you may not feel you want it when you're in so much pain right now. Please feel free to post anytime and I don't know if we can PM on here but if so I'm here for you anytime. Lots of love!

Well, today is going to be my actual follow up. My husband is meeting me there at 5pm and my mom will keep my son. I'm so anxious about this appointment. I'm anxious to have to discuss the situation and I'm anxious because I have an actual exam. Normally I wouldn't be anxious, but I don't think I can handle any sort of bad news. Anyway, please send your loving thoughts to me today. I can already feel the tears getting ready. Doesn't help that I'm sick and also have a follow up with my GP about the cellulitis in my arm. I just need to get these appointments over with because I think it'll help me to move on. I haven't been able to put it behind me yet...