First night at work

So I'm back from my first night at work. I think it went pretty well. I felt super anxious and shook terribly for about the first hour but calmed down a bit after that. I expected myself to get much more flustered so it was a pleasant surprise that I really didn't. Luckily I didn't have any really difficult people or transactions to deal with.

Another great thing is that I was working with my favorite group of people which helped a lot. My boss that was working tonight is my absolute favorite because we both have the same twisted sense of humor and give each other crap all the time. I talked to him over the weekend when I was in shopping and we both joked about being ready for the crap we were going to dish out on each other to make up for lost time since I'd been gone.

So tonight that boss wasn't anywhere near the way he normally is with me. At one point when I was working on something he was over there "helping" me and I could tell he wanted to talk. Earlier in the evening I joked with him that I was disappointed that it was my first night back and he hadn't made fun of me once. So he brought that up when we were alone working together and said he wasn't sure if he should take things as far as he normally does because he didn't want to "push me over the edge." He also said he didn't want to seem like an insensitive A-hole so he was trying to take it easy on me. Part of me thought it was really sweet but part of me wanted to scream and say HELLO I'M STILL ME I'M NOT GOING TO FLOP DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND DIE! It was just the weirdest thing. News travels very fast around my workplace and I made it clear to those who knew what was going on with me that it wasn't a secret. So obviously this boss knows. It just felt really weird. Like I said it was very nice of him to care enough not to bust my chops on my first night back but then it bugged me because that is just what we do.

I guess when I see him next I'll have to tell him he doesn't have to walk on eggshells around me and that it will all be okay. My supervisor who I'm also very close with was very nervous for me at first I could tell. I think they all were just anxious that I would be okay and do well and I dd. It wasn't comfortable and I was afraid but all in all it went well. Now my next shift isn't until this coming Tuesday and it is a day shift. At my job the day shifts are totally different than nights and I am not fond of them. However now that all of my kids are in school I have to work some day shifts so I can actually see them at night. I will be nervous when that day comes but I'll hang in there.

Thanks les! To be honest I'm in such dire need financially that I just don't have the option of backing out. If I could have I probably would have. Still it does feel good that I made it through.

As far as my boss acting the way he did, I agree with you. The more I think about it the more I realize he was just being careful and that he cares. Our relationship just sort of runs on seeing who can snark on the other person the most so it's just weird. I don't want him thinking I'm a nut who is going to be reduced to a puddle of tears at any given moment but in a way I do sort of find it sweet that he cared enough to be careful. At first I was a little hurt that he wasn't seeking me out and being the way we normally are but by the end of the night when he said all that I understood.

Tonight was much easier than other nights because I was working with the people I am super close with. If I had to have an attack it would have been easier to deal with because I could have been honest with these guys. Now come Tuesday when everybody and their brother are there, who knows. But whatever I will manage just like I did tonight! I seriously need to get to bed but I'm too tired to get up out of my chair and go to bed. Lol maybe I'll just slump over here at my computer!

Hi

Nice one I am really pleased that things went well for you back at work I hope it continues.

Hibee

I'm also very proud of you, way to go!!

You guys have me in tears! We are so lucky to live in the era we do now to have access to a forum like this. I don't know about you guys but my short time here with you all has done so much in my recovery. Whenever I'm my most afraid there is always someone here with words that help me dig my way out. Whenever I'm feeling good there is always someone here to share that with, someone who understands what a huge blessing it is to feel normal for a day or even a few hours.

I find it heartbreaking and very interesting that this group of people who all suffer from such horrible anxiety are obviously some of the kindest, most loving people you could ever hope to have in your life. To know that you were all here and that I would report back with the story of my night was huge.

Even this morning I sat here thinking "Oh well I made it through one short five hour shift, big deal." Then I read the response from you guys and I realize it was a big deal. Weeks ago there is no way I could've done this and now I'm doing it. The fear of "what if freak out" is still there but that is to be expected and I cannot let it take away how far I've come. Like I said I have an eight hour day shift on tuesday which makes me very nervous but I will handle it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so glad I found this place. And to Cornell- thank you for our little pact. It really made all the difference in the world to me. I'm so glad that we were both able to report back with good news. I look forward to it continuing!

Woohoo! I thinking about you last night and hoping all was going well! Glad to hear it did! And now you have a little break before heading back!