Posted 10/17/2014 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
I have been a member of this forum for a couple months now and it occurred to me that I haven't really shared my "story" with you guys.
I had my first anxious episode when I was 28 and months away from getting married. I do not remember my first panic attack. In fact, I don't remember much about that panic episode at all now. I remember I had the feeling of breathlessness all summer. I kept it from my boyfriend. I was scared and embarasssed. I was sure I had a lung tumor. I had an X-ray at a clinic one time and was prescribed Ativan. Now I remember not having a clue what Ativan was or what it did (which was nothing for me). The Internet was not as accessible as it is now, so I had such little information to go on at that time. I was working 45 minutes away and the drive was so painful everyday. I would cry at work because this medication they gave me wasn't working. I thought I was uncurable. I went back to a GP that I had just started going to because of this condition. She prescribed me xanax and Zoloft. I already knew I wasn't taking the Zoloft, as I assumed it was just for depression (remember, no internet). I took one xanax and it made me feel very relaxed. I found this pill bottle just recently and now I know why it made me so relaxed, she had prescribed me .5 extended release! Soon after that I found a way out. Not sure how...
My second episode was a couple years later, about 15 months after I had my first daughter. I had a totally crippling anxiety attack and thought, here we go again. I was so terrified to have another one. The constant breathlessness came back. I couldn't eat because my throat would close up, so I ate nothing for at least 10 days (but smoothies). I had to tell people this time because it was interfering with me taking care of my young child. After a battery of tests (again), I was put on buspar and a low dose of Xanax. This seemed to work for me quite quickly. Along with the medication, I started therapy. Within about 6-8 weeks I was pretty much back to myself.
This last episode has come after wonderful 5 year absence of panic. On the way home from a Florida vacation in April, I had a panic attack in the car. We were in the middle of Kentucky on our way home to Michigan. It was beyond frightening. I held up after that for about two weeks and then I lost it. I gave into the fear. Since then I have had constant breathlessness. I am always trying to get a deep breath. I yawn and sigh a lot (but I always have, so I'm thinking my breathing practices have always been affected by underlying anxiety). Of course, I have had the tests. I took it pretty hard in the beginning, I lost 25 pounds in six weeks (I have gained about 10 of that back now). I had to have my mom come over every day and take care of the the kids because I was terrified to be by myself. This bout was accompanied by agoraphobia and sleep problems. I spent most of the summer in my house, not ready to go out and possibly have a panic attack (even though most of my panic attacks had been at home). Luckily, I own a business with my best friend and she was able to cover for me most of the summer with appointments and what not. By the end of August I was ready to start working on the agoraphobia and have made quite a bit of progress. I still only take buspar and an occasional xanax. During the summer I took xanax 3x daily to help get me out of the panic cycle. I was prescribed Lexapro, but I'm not quite sure what I want to do with that. My mind changes a lot about treatment. I am happy that I can once again take care of my daughters properly (ages 7 and 2) and can get out of the house (yet not always comfortably). I still struggle everyday (pretty much all day) with the breathlessness, but I am hopeful that I will not always be this way. Recovery is a long, tough road.
Anyway, I have absolutely loved getting to know all of you guys. You all are my sanity when I feel like I have little. The kinship that is formed with others that really understand what you are going through is priceless. I'm glad we have a place where we can all be here for each other.