Another issue about doc appt.

I can totally understand you Andwes :/ The things we show to people (or not show, in your case) is nothing comparable with the things we feel inside.
But I really recommend you to share it with your sons, you may get great support and reassurance from them. You shouldn't have such feeling on your shoulders alone, I am pretty sure they are going to hold your hands and support you, with anything you need.

You can actually really try getting therapy help, if you never tried before. It will help I am pretty sure.

Andwes, I wish I could reach through the monitor and give you a hug. While it's true that you are not alone and millions of people suffer from anxiety/depression, that doesn't make it feel any less humiliating. It's not an illness that people easily understand, because it's an illness that cannot be seen. Your sons don't see your heart pounding. They aren't in your head to see how you are fighting with these thoughts, just trying to convince yourself to go to an event and drive your car. I want to hug you because I understand how you feel. I try to tell people openly that I have panic disorder and everyone is always very kind about it, but I don't think they understand how serious it is. How serious it feels for me. Just remember when you are thinking about your boys, that no matter what, you are a priority to them. You can help them to understand by explaining it to them. It may even relax you to be more open with them about it, because it's probably a battle just to try and shield them from what you're going through. I cry in therapy all the time because I want my son to be proud of me and not feel ashamed when he grows up. I have to teach him how to treat people and to do that I have to show him that we're all different and have our struggles and my therapist says I have to start with myself. I have to show him that I have no reason to be embarrassed. It's hard. I'm just sending you hugs.