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Posted 12/23/2014 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all,

I am new to this forum. I will tell you a little bit about myself. I am a 35 year old female (mother to 1 five yr old) who suffers from health anxiety. I have had a lot of loss in my life. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in 2006. My grandparents on my father's side have also passed away from this disease. My step mother's parents (also who I am close to) passed away from cancer this past year. Also my fiancé's mother just passed away from colon cancer this past January 2014. I am also a nurse gong to school to be a nurse practitioner. As a home care nurse I have become attached to several patients who have had terminal diagnosis due to cancer.

Being in the medical profession has been a blessing but also a curse. Knowing what I know makes things scary for me. I am guilty of consulting Dr.Google obsessively. I am guilty of seeking reassurance from multiple providers and family members about my signs and symptoms.

After losing my fiancee's mom, I started to poke around my body and I discovered enlarged lymph nodes along my neck. To put it lightly, I panicked and went straight to an HEENT who evaluated me and said what I had was normal. I cried in her office because I was just so scared. This summer I found a small lump in the back of my right ear. I freaked out again and went to urgent care, my PCP, and HEENT, who all told me that it was normal, just a cyst perhaps or lymph node. Reassurance only helped for a little while, as I kept asking myself-what if they are wrong???? I kept picking at the lump as if it was a cyst it would eventually pop, but I ended up with a hole there and an infection. It healed but the lump was still there. Of course knowing it was on my body distressed me so much that I begged the HEENT to remove it to get a biopsy. I waited a hellish month for the appt and then waited another hellish 7 days for the results. Results came in and all it ended up being was a reactive lymph node. So of course I feel instantaneous relief. I just wanted to feel NORMAL. Then this week I was poking around behind my ear and felt the a different kind of lump (most likely scar tissue) and it freaked me out.

I am not worried about hypertension or diabetes just deathly afraid of cancer. I am hyper vigilant about my body looking for moles or lumps. It consumes my thoughts. I see a therapist and I am taking Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Ativan. Meds and therapy help me a lot. But still my fear is pretty pervasive. I mean, I work out daily, I don't smoke, and I don't drink alcohol so I reduce my risk factors. But I am stressed all the time!! I think what it would be like to die and leave my son motherless. I just want to FEEL NORMAL again. Anyone out there who can share how they cope with this.

Thanks
Posted 12/23/2014 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hey! Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I found myself relating to a lot of what you were saying. I haven't experienced so much loss from cancer, but I have experienced a lot of loss. It sounds like it has caused a lot of concern to you, seeing and experiencing how fragile life is. And simply missing your loved ones. I am so sorry for this. :(

I have a similar anxiety, like you are describing, and I was SO afraid of passing and leaving my kids behind too. That was my #1 fear. So I began monitoring my heart hourly (because my fear was heart based). I was completely trying to control my life/death, or so I though. :/ In a sense, over the past year I have learned to give up that false sense of control, and who better to trust with my life than God?! :D

I'm not sure where you stand on that, but I have found true comfort in handing my worries over to Him. On a practical level and day-to-day I wake up in the morning and accept His plan for my life, and I pray that in His gracious love he would grant me a long life with my family, but the final say is always his. So I do my best to trust that.

OK, so now moving forward to day-to-day functioning. There is a "resources page" that people here like to go to and learn more coping skills. My faves are deep breathing techniques, and realistic thinking. There are also health anxiety modules you can visit.. So sorry you are going through this, but know that you are not alone in your journey! Many of the people who post on this forum can totally relate!

Merry Christmas!
Posted 12/23/2014 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
I have very similar fears and concerns and have done the lame thing with lymph nodes. Once I figure out how to cope, I'll let you know!!
Posted 12/24/2014 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Loveoven, thank you for posting in forums and telling us about your story.

As a fellow hypochondriac with a strong fear of cancer, I can totally feel your worries and understand you. Health anxiety is a very troublesome disorder but there are ways of dealing with it. As you already may know, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is accepted to be the most effective help against all anxiety related disorder (and some other non related problems also).

I can totally understand and it's very natural for you to feel this way. Because of your education and family history of cancer cases, you feel very anxious. But I say, is there any way for you to change your help area as a nurse? I know nothing about your occupation of course and know nothing about the education itself but maybe you may consider taking care of patients who won't be a trigger for your health anxiety? I know you really want to help people who are suffering but maybe ask things around to make it a bit easier for you?

I am very similar, also on meds (sertraline) and on CBT treatment now and of course I try to read self-help books, articles, etc, etc. But it is a kind of fear which is very hard to overcome. I am trying to convince myself that I am healthy, I don't smoke and drink but still Cancer is a big fear.

They day they find a proper detection/treatment for this disease I will be the happiest person on earth.

I really hope you feel better. Please post anytime you want and keep us updated <3
Posted 12/24/2014 3:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi LO and welcome!

I am sorry to hear of the current challenges your anxiety is causing you.:( It is understandable how these fears would manifest, as you have suffered many losses and have occupational triggers. Know that you are not alone in your worries, and that we have many here with similar struggles!

Have you had a consultation with your doctor about treatment options? Like member Rrakkma mentioned, you may want to consider medication and/or therapy to help you to manage your anxiety. I personally went through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and found it extrememly beneficial.

For now, check out our self help material from the Resources here. I have pulled the material specific to health anxiety and will post it below...but there is much more to be found in there...look at the top of the main page.:)

Health Anxiety - A Self Help Guide:

 

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/hypochondria/pages/introduction.aspx

Helping health Anxiety

 

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_id=53

Health Anxiety- The Super Scanner

 

http://www.get.gg/docs/SuperScanner.pdf



Keept talking with us if you find it helpful...support is key!

Scaredy Cat

Posted 12/27/2014 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys for your support. The weird thing is that this anxiety comes and goes in waves. Although Yoga instantly calms me down. It is through extremely frustrating as controlling fearful, anxious thoughts is the most difficult thing to do. The worst thing with health anxiety is that disease is a very common theme in life especially as we age. It's inevitable really that we all will die. I wish I could just fear something like black cats or a bus hitting me rather than lets say a more rational type of fear such as health anxiety.
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