I found a EA group available in my area, i will definitely consider going.
I agree on the computers, i work as a software engineer but i use computers almost exclusively for professional purposes nowadays. And this, of course.
As for relationships, i have not had one since 13 years ago(the unhealthy one, and my only one). So it is not as if i wont make some time more without one. That is ok, i am ok being alone. In fact, i feel quite well being for myself a lot of the time. But when i am with others i want to be able to connect, wether a romantic setting, with friends or a collegue.
What happened a year ago was that i started using a online support forum for men, through it i found some books: "Taming your outer child" by Susan Anderson taught me to take better care of myself emotionally and in combination with some audio stuff by John Bradshaw i managed to get rid of a lot of shame. I looked for new jobs during this year as well and less shame ment i made demands so i now have a well payed job that i like. I can afford paying for a therapist and if i shared having issues with my boss i am confident he would be supportive.
Other things i did during this year was to get better habits, i solved sleep issues which was from getting more routines around food and less screen time with computers. I also stopped playing addictive games, became a blood donor, stopped watching ****ography and having needy sexual fantasies. I did however work out a lot at times, and whenever i had a setback i got more extreme with it for a month. I can see now how i used that to reassert my self value.
The techniques i learned from Taming your outer child is about
addressing your emotional self(called inner child) as your adult self reassuring, comforting and showing love. While also addressing acting out behavior caused by outer child(drinking to much etc).
I have been plunging in and out of depressions and having anxiety episodes for many many years. Right now i am pretty optimistic but when i started dating now i hit a ****ing wall to be honest. I cancelled a date for friday, got another one up for saturday. Might go on that one, not really sure.
Thing is, i feel a bit that me overdoing the gym thing and trying to be this really "cool" guy was me trying to be someone else.
Right now i do not feel much anxiety, but i would probably be considered a bit depressed. I feel empty, a bit sad and energyless right now. When feeling like this i feel more connected with myself and more true.
I have a theory about
some of the anxiety stuff related to dating: I always felt i should be happy for others, i never tell anyone anything else than "everything is awesome". So going on a date feeling as i do and trying to act as this cool successfull fitness buff who cares a lot about
his looks instead of the computer geek i am who things appearances are unimportant i am betraying myself. Of course that would be able to make me more anxious than what is necessary.
As for the bowling date for saturday. I do not know if i should go or if it could be a bad thing for me. It might work well if i only stick to being honest with and for myself not adapting to the others expectations of me.
Does it sound weird if i say that i have 2 ways of being happier, one repressing my issues trying to fake it and ultimately falling again and one where i stay with my bad emotions and try to sooth them maybe getting genuinely better but at a slower pace?
Thanks for the input both of you, i will read up on further resources to help myself. Self help stuff can be great, sometimes only because you are actually doing SOMETHING which tells yourself you are worth the investment.
Post Edited (nutshell) : 3/11/2015 11:40:42 AM (GMT-6)